I acknowledge that all comic book storylines are a bit incestuous. There’s only so many world-beaters you can tackle and events you can make the best of before everything stars to bleed together. However if you’re one of those people (hi!) who feels like Fear Itself is so very Blackest Night, you’re going to find this amazing. Introducing The Mighty, from the pages of Fear Itself.

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[Variant Covers is a column every Tuesday that breaks down the various titles coming out that week in the world where Bruce Wayne is a zombie, and Reed Richards taps hot ass.]

Blackest Night #8

Last week I opined like a typical miserable fanboy that I was tired of Blackest Night, and that I didn’t really dig how they wedged in the twist regarding the White Lantern. It wasn’t the fact that Sinestro took the reins for himself, and if I came off that way I certainly didn’t mean to. I suppose it just happened so quickly, at what I felt was the backend of the storyline that it felt forced to me.

But now? Now I’m fucking stoked for the conclusion. I’m bipolar, leave me the fuck alone.

The more I’ve thought about it, the more I’ve dug Sinestro becoming the White Lantern. He’s the one dude who called out the Guardians of Oa for being a batch of manipulative douchebags. In his gloriously overwrought speech at the end of Blackest Night #7 he rocks the fuck out, and then he takes the power of the cosmos for himself. You have to hand it to the guy. For suffering being in the middle of the Zombie Apocalypse, he’s having a pretty good day.

So word up! This is the epic conclusion to the last couple of years of plot in the DC Universe, and I’m interested to see where they’re going. The tights-and-capes have a shitload of zombies to take care of in this issue, and then they’re totally turning the page and embracing Brightest Day. What the fuck is Brightest Day? Well, it’s a marketing plot, dummy!

But it’s a new direction they’re taking the entire DC hordes. It’s hard to imagine anything not being brighter than eight-months of Zombie Hawkman ripping out hearts and eating them, though. I mean, he could be tweeking out on meth sitting in a corner shitting himself, and I’d be like, man, he’s doing a bit better. But it’s cool, it’s refreshing. It’s time for some less ponderous shit, no? We just meditated on life and death, good and evil in the darkest way possible. And while yeah, isn’t that what all comic books are about? But let’s do it in a happier manner, maybe Plastic Man can get into a fist-fight with Mister Mxyzptlk or some shit.

Shazam!

A-Team War Stories BA #1

You have to fucking adore comic books. It’s only through them that we’re treated to something like this. This is a comic book complete with a painting of Rampage Jackson, who is filling the shoes of Mr. T in the forthcoming A-Team remake. If seeing an oil painting or some shit of Rampage on the cover of a comic book isn’t enough to sell it, I’m not really sure what would be. It’s ridiculously surreal. I mean, I was bummed with Rampage giving up if only momentarily his career in the UFC to film this movie. But now? I don’t know man, now it makes a lot more sense.

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[Variant Covers is a column every Tuesday that breaks down the various titles coming out that week in the world where The Sentry can rip dudes in half even though he’s totally emo.]

Siege #3

The sun is finally shining, spring is arriving, and I’m excited for the next issue of Siege. Yeah man, I’ve been drinking the Siege Kool-Aid since the first issue. It’s such a refreshing spectacle. For starters, it’s short as fuck. This isn’t some prolonged storyline running over eight-issues and nineteen spin-offs. It’s four issues. Four. As well, there ain’t much going on besides people slugging the shit out of one another. Oh sure there’s minor developments and some inspirational speeches by Steve Rogers and others.

But for the most part? Just demigods swinging hateful knuckles at one another.

Last month, the fucking Sentry ripped Ares in half. It was one of the more memorable splash pages in recent memory. Guts and blood and rage vomited across two gorgeously drawn panels. Righteous. The Sentry is more than a blatant Superman rip-off, the dude is a schizophrenic mess with the powers of a God. He’s like Old Testament God, when Our Lord and Savior was totally emo and was like “Thou ain’t listening to me and shit, eat a flood!” They probably hang out.

So this month I’m begging for the throwdown between Thor and Mr. Bobby Reynolds. Listen, I had misgivings about Sentry being able to rip the God of War in half, but so help me if he’s able to take out the God of Thunder. That’s ludicrous. The first time I digested The Sentry splitting Ares like a shitty pizza, I was like, no way. One dude is a God, the other is just some byronic douchebag. So yeah, Marvel. I know you want to pump up The Sentry, but Mjolnir and The Mighty Viking better reign supreme.

Choker #2

The debut issue of Choker was a vulgar, insane, bloody detective story set in some depressingly shitty dystopian future. It should go without saying that I fucking loved it. The first issue laid the groundwork comfortably within the confines of familiar noir tropes. You have the beaten detective taking on a job promising some sort of salvation, that you just know is going to end poorly. What makes it so enjoyable is the odd world that Ben McCool and Ben Templesmith have envisioned. It’s dark as fuck, there’s lots of swearing, and apparently there’s vampires. Or something. The first issue set the stage, and I’m curious to see where they’re going this week with it.

I can’t recommend the title enough, if only because it’s a welcome alternative to my steady diet of capes and tights. Ian, you say, read some totally alternative indie comic book about a dude talking to his goldfish! Now that’s literature in graphic novel form!

No thanks.

I like my titles to be placed firmly in the fantastical, whether it be with mutants, or detectives up to their arms in shit in some dark future. I mean Jesus Christ, this title is set in Shotgun City. Am I simpleton? ‘Cause this shit seems awesome to me.

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[Variant Covers is a column every Tuesday that breaks down the various titles coming out that week in the world of blind assassins and zombies.]

Daredevil #505

Daredevil’s my favorite book dropping right now, and it has been for a while. It doesn’t have the sensational bullshit of everything that interconnects with Siege, or Dark Reign, or Dark Siege, or Reigning Blood or whatever the epic event of the moment is called. And no, it doesn’t even have Jennifer Garner, or Ben Affleck in it. So what the fuck, I know. It’s a title brimming with nothing! Not even a Deadpool appearance! But the shit is excellent, and you should be reading it. Matt fucking Murdock is straight-up running The Hand these days. And if they weren’t a bunch of bad-ass assassins before, they look even more ballin’ with devil horns affixed to their ninja masks of awesomeness these days.

But the real reason that I enjoy Daredevil so much is that it doesn’t resort to status-quo restorations every nine months. Shit has been swirling around the toilet for years now in the life of Matty. He’s gone from an outlaw, to on trial, to a prisoner, to watching his wife go insane. Maybe I should be glad that Daredevil doesn’t pump any insane numbers in the sales department, or they would be way more careful with the title. Even the appearances by H.A.M.M.E.R or Norman Osborn feel less forced, and more in sync with the actual universe.

Our boy Murdock takes to Japan this month to solidify his grasp on The Hand through one of their international branches. Though, I suppose calling Japan the international branch of a league of ninjas probably doesn’t make that much sense. I’m waiting for the whole trying to run a league of assassins thing to go south for the ole’ Devil. It seems like a magnificently shitty idea to think he can run a squad of undead ninja-guy-things, especially since he doesn’t have the heart of coal it requires. Emo Kid Peter Parker should check out Murdock’s life next time he thinks he has it rough, he’d be in the corner listening to Taking Back Sunday and cutting himself if he had to deal with half the bullshit Murdock did.

Other shit coming out in the Marvel Universe? Uhhh. There’s Deadpool: Merc With A Mouth, which is one of the seven-thousand Deadpool titles at the moment. Then there’s a new issue of Uncanny X-Men, the events of which I have no idea about, and cannot understand. They need a jumping on point for that title, because every time I try to buy an issue I feel like I walked into some bizarre world where nothing makes sense, Magneto is back from the dead again, and Emma Frost is a bad guy/good guy/bad guy/good guy for reasons unknown.

Zombies Of Mass Destruction #6

There’s a comic book called Zombies of Mass Destruction. Either you’re sold, or you’re not. I’m not, but I can imagine a lot of people do cartwheels over anything zombie. Are they played out, yet? I mean, are they even scary anymore? I wonder if when the eventual and unpreventable Zombie Apocalypse occurs, we’ll all be so blase about the walking dead, and that will be our undoing.

Oh it’s just a zombie.

And we’ll forget that the zombie is intent on eating our soul and munching on our brains, and that’s how they’ll take us down. Yes, the zombies will finish us off the same way everything else does in life; they will take advantage of our apathy. We’ll be trying to watch Monster Truckers Crush Skulls or something on Spike TV when they just walk into our houses as we stare at the idiot box and eat us.

I called it here first.

Green Lantern #51

Hey kids, are you like me? Are you reading Blackest Night, and trying to enjoy it? Well, let me suggest something to you then: buy all the bullshit tie-in titles! My biggest complaint with Blackest Night is that they’ve turned reading the fifteen Green Lantern titles into a necessity. I call hogwash on this bullshit. For example: I was talking to my friend Charlie about Blackest Night, and he was all, yeah, I can’t believe they killed off Kyle Rayner. And I was like, huh? When the fuck did this happen?

Oh, only in Green Lantern Magicorps Redux (Blackest Night Tie-In)! What the fuck is this bullshit? You mean I’m plunking down $4 for some fucking epic event, only to have deaths and shit thrown about in the tie-ins? This isn’t fucking Solovar, this is fucking Kyle Rayner! Motherfuckers.

So trust me, if you want to have any idea what’s going in only the biggest event in the DC Universe right now, you better pick up this week’s Green Lantern. Otherwise you’ll be like me, a confused asshole who lives in their parents’ basement. Don’t believe me? Check out the solicitation:

The most epic battle in BLACKEST NIGHT yet comes to a shocking conclusion as Hal Jordan makes the ultimate move to take on the Black Lantern Spectre.

So…the most epic battle of Blackest Night takes place…in Green Lantern? If you say so! You fucks.

There’s also a bunch of other BLACKEST NIGHT tie-ins you totally should/should not pick up depending on your principals. There’s Blackest Night: Flash, where Barry Allen probably dies, and Green Lantern Corps, which is sure to have some epic event that unfolds, like maybe Kyle Rayner fuses with Lex Luthor and they both ride Metallo out of Earth Prime or some shit. Just to make you feel fucked if you only read the main Blackest Night title.

Captain America Reborn: Who Will Wield The Shield [One Shot]

I’m not really sure what’s going on with Marvel and their handling of the return of Steve Rogers. You see, the dude hasn’t even came back in Captain America: Reborn, and he’s already running about in Invincible Iron Man, and this week sees the release of Who Will Wield the Shield. I’m not sure how this is coming out prior to the final issue of Reborn. I know that they had to add an extra issue to Brubaker’s storyline, and that’s absolutely fucking stellar in my book. Brubaker’s event has me sold, man. The whole thing is a sprawling time-warp mindfuck that has at last issue, left Steve Rogers and the Red Skull throwing haymakers at one another. In the Red Skull’s mind. Hell to the yeah. My medicine is telling me that it’s okay to like big super events these days, if they’re done right. Ed Brubaker sir, you do them excellent. But I would be a happier panda if they released them in, I don’t know, a sensible order?

Brubaker also has the ability to sell me on issues I would otherwise find to be money grabs and superfluous. Take for example Who Will Wield the Shield. Now…is there anyone who thinks that Steve Rogers isn’t going to come up brandishing the Circular Icon of Patriotism? Egg on my face if I’m wrong, but c’mon. He’s Steve fucking Rogers. The Aryan Posterchild who was the only guy strong enough to stop The Guy Championing Aryan Posterchildren.

That said, I’m pretty fucking bummed that Bucky ain’t going to be championing the mantle anymore. He was an interesting chap, to say the least. It is always entertaining to see someone else reinterpret a symbol, either modifying it for their own uses, or simply accepting what the symbol was considered before. Barnes wore the mantle as an oath to the pinnacle of American Idealism. He seemed more dedicated to maintaining the legacy of his his best friend/hero’s life than he was in upholding American ideals. They came as an accessory to the main thrust of his existence as Captain America.

Image United #2

If you grew up in the 1990’s and were a comic book nerd, you have to be the saltiest of haters to not have at least a passing interest in Image United. I mean c’mon, haters. It’s featuring artwork by six of the original Image founders, and covers by the seventh, Jim Lee. It’s got all those comic book characters you fucking fawned over when you were like twelve. I’m not going to front, I was all SPAWN FOR LIFE KID back when I was in high school. I also wear JNCO jeans and used Sun-In to dye my hair orange. Time passes and you change.

But it’s so god damn intriguing, I can’t help but read it. It also stars the original Spawn, Al Simmons, as the ultra-villain! Omega Spawn! Seriously, how can you not be excited for this, in some bizarre, time machine, train wreck sort of way? It’s like getting the band back together! Marc Silvestri, Todd McFarlane, Rob fuggin Liefeld? At the very least, it’s great for a nostalgia trip. I’ll sit there reading about it, think about how many years have passed since then, and then eventually begin to brood about how little I’ve done with my life. They’ll find me in a bathroom, covered in vomit and tears, yelling about what should have been.

On second thought, maybe I shouldn’t read this.

Green Lantern #49

I wish there was a title I was totally stoked for coming out from DC this week. I think I may be a Marvel dongstroker at this point. Alas, I’m sorry. I can’t hate on Green Lantern, though. Geoff Johns is just a solid writer. You know what you’re getting. Unless you’re adverse to tie-ins, then you should stay the hell away from this title. Blackest Night has descended upon pretty much every DC title, so if you hate zombies and Green Lanterns, this title is probably going you into an apoplectic rage. You’ll wake up and find yourself covered in feathers, blood, and regrets. This issue has John Stewart looking down sniper scopes while zombies descend upon him from behind. And he’s also facing past regrets and shit, too.

Then there’s Detective Comics #680, which I don’t read, but I should just for the artwork alone. JH Williams III draws a mighty gorgeous page, and his work on Detective doesn’t disappoint. If you’re like me, which is broke from Christmas shopping and conniving, try and talk a loved one into buying it so you can flip through it on the toilet one day. Always works for me.

My boy, the fucking Bonesaw, pointed this out to me. Apparently Sammy Sosa is the latest celebrity to be wooed into the darkness that is the Black Lantern corps. Now along with Chris Brown, he will accept commands from the lord of Darkness, Michael Jackson. They will go around cranking home runs, eating their girlfriends, and having little boys manipulate their nipples. Eerily, this sounds like a Saturday night out with my friends.

Seriously though, Sammy Sosa looks like a fucking mess.

I think even creepier than his skin are the contact lenses and lipstick.

Via Big League Stew:

Retirement, or something, appears to be changing Sammy Sosa(notes). He and wife, Sonia, were recently in Las Vegas for the Latin Grammys, which included a tribute on Wednesday to singer Juan Gabriel. Photogs caught the Sosas on the red carpet and Sonia looks fabulous as always. As for Sammy … well, there’s no getting around it, but Sammy looked kind of pale.His skin is undeniably lighter than at any time since he broke into the majors in 1989. Is it an illness, or a condition such as Vitiligo, in which depigmentation occurs? Is Sammy just bleaching his skin for fashion’s sake? (Heh, “just.”)I wonder if he is changing his look, simply because his eyes are a different color. Sammy was born with brown eyes. He’s taken to wearing green contact lenses and, quite frankly, they are extremely creepy. Is he co-starring in the upcoming “Twilight” sequel?

Let’s check out Sammy last year.

Oh hey, he looks human! And now a year later, just as the Black Lanterns are killing douchebags and resurrecting them to fight in the quest to annihilate life and mack on gorgeous pop stars, he looks like a pale-skinned nightmare. Coincidence? I don’t fucking think so.

Pop Quiz!

What’s cooler than a pedophilic, child-sperm swilling Michael Jackson!

A pedophilic, child-sperm swilling ZOMBIE Michael Jackson that commands an army of Black Lanterns! That’s right, Michael Jackson is the head bad guy behind DC’s Blackest Night! I don’t know how I missed this before, I mean, it’s pretty obvious. The guy died so close to the release of Dc’s hit mini-series, it couldn’t have been coincidental, right? I mean, this is cross-marketing genius!

I have to apologize for ruining any potential spoilers. I mean, this isn’t confirmed yet. I’ve just been doing some detective work myself, and well…I mean, come on, it’s obvious. The dude has looked like a zombie for years, anyone who has read anything about him knows he’s pure fucking evil, it’s just so obvious. I mean, I pride myself on my degree in Literature, I should have been able to see the foreshadowing sooner.

But now that I’ve figured it out? Pure genius. Bravo, Dan Didio. I take back all those mean things I said. You win this round.