I absolutely love Chez-Its. Nothing relaxes me more than popping down on the toilet mashing a handful of Chez-Its into my gullet while checking my Tumblr on my iPhone. One of the other things I absolutely love is the use of adverbs. Hemingway fucking hates me. On top of those two pure, unadulterated loves of mine is my unremitting love for video games.

That’s why I write this column. Press Start!, the post where I run down five things that happened in the world of video games this week. I’m covered in Chez-It crumbs and ready to vomit verbose into your eye-mind-mouths.

Let’s party, guys!

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Just quit, developers. Just do it. Oh, all right. Don’t quit. At the very least, know that you can never blow my asshole out quit like Ken Levine and his games. In a new developer diary, Levine explains how Elizabeth can harness tears in reality to bring in objects from other universes.

Good lord.

Stop reading my vomit, hit the jump and watch.

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Press Start!, the week of E3. There was a time when E3 was a wondrous occasion. Those days are gone now, like leaves from a tree. With the advent of the Internet, everything is known weeks prior. Secrets exposed, dissected. Shit is passé before it’s even revealed. Take for example Nintendo’s Wii U. While I’ll admit that seeing any new console in motion gets me up, it would have truly blown my asshole out if they could have kept the entirety of it secret until the conference.

With that in mind, let us not spend the entirety of our fleeting brain-focus-capacities on regurgitating the quasi-reveals and appreciable moments of the Big Three at the show. Let us instead turn our ADD-addled brains towards shooting the shit about the show. Deal? Press Start!’s usual conceit is pressed pause in   lieu of some geek spit.

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Oh boy. The trailer for BioShock Infinite just karate-chopped every other reveal trailer I’ve seen in the neck. It may be a fatal chop. The medics are looking over the victims now. The best part? It’s purely gorgeous gameplay, which is executed with a fluidity and rapidity that wasn’t there in the original. We’ll get all of this, and what is assuredly a storyline built to milk the philosophical glands of all us thinking geeks.

Hit the jump for the trailer.

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BioShock Infinite is so fucking far away that it makes my balls hurt. Ken Levine and Irrational Games know that, and they’ve released a ridiculously gorgeous set of propaganda posters from the BioShock Infinite world to taunt my testicles (and perhaps your testicles and/or clitoris). It hurts. Hurts so good.

Hit the jump to check them out.

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Ken Levine. I wank off to your philosophical wanderings and universal construction in BioShock. You are a good man. Full of win. Now you’re further full of win, and uh, a gooder man with your latest musings on PS Move.

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Who the hell releases four screens of something. I’ll tell you who, fools. I’ll tell you good and plenty: Irrational fucking Games. Why and how do they do it? The answer is the same: because they know fanboys of Bioshock (okay, only the original, the sequel was meh-tastic to me) will eat anything Infinite related right up. Gobble it up out of their hands like fuggin’ swine. A piggy pig. Swine like me? Need/want/have to have anything Bioshock Infinite related? Hit the jump for the four new screens.

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Welcome to Press Start! The place where I uh, do stuff and ramble a lot about video games. I’m going to level with you guys, I have a god damn head cold that won’t quit. This entire column is powered by Sudafed and the hazy feeling that antihistamine bring upon me. In other words; it’s sort of half-assed! Apologies. You’ll never know the difference, so low is the bar I set for myself. Here is it, the five things that caught The One Dork Eye of mine this week, in no particular order, and without anything resembling sense. Hit me in the comments box with your list of happenings.

Onward! Upward!

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#1: Bioshock Infinite Gameplay Drops Ten-Minutes of Bonery Onto Fans
It almost doesn’t seem fair. Bioshock Infinite isn’t dropping until some time next year, and here we are in September staring at ten-minutes of pants tightening glory. And if you’re any sort of a fan of awesome or Bioshock, you’re going to produce a sordid amount of cream in your pantaloons. A good friend of mine crunched the numbers, and did some science, and proclaimed that this footage is in fact beyond boners. A crack team of scientists are trying to calculate exactly what the appropriate juvenile expression for this game shall be, since clearly it is something more righteous than a blood-flooded cock.

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#2: Donkey Kong Country Returns Pre-Order Gift is Strangely Erotic
There’s always something strangely erotic about Donkey Kong. At least to me. And that probably isn’t worth of remark, since I have the maturity of a fifteen year-old. But still. Today I was thinking about how the entire premise of Donkey Kong is that he kidnaps this white chick, and I presume he’s going to do some vag-splitting horror on her after he takes care of that fucking plumber.

[Aside: It also seems like a creepy Japanese manifestation over the fears of miscegenation.]

Even more terrifying is the fact that everyone is down with DK, despite his dubious beginnings. Like, now he gets to roll around kicking ass and hanging out with his brood like he wasn’t a serial monkey rapist back in the day. What the fuck is that shit?

Nonetheless.

Nonetheless, this week Nintendo revealed the pre-order bonus you get when you drop some money down on Donkey Kong Country Returns over at Gamestop. A strangely erotic glove that you can slip your Wiimote into. What exactly is the functional purpose of this gift? I’m not sure. It’s a fucking condom shaped like a banana. I find it amazing though, and can’t help but want it for some inexplicable reason.

I want a banana condom.

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#3: MTV Gets Resident Evil Actors to Quote Lines From The Game
True confessional type shit: I saw Resident Evil: Afterlife. And I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it as some exceptionally awful action movie, that you can enjoy for all of its skillfully poor execution of action movie tropes. In three-dimensions! A concept which seemed to flummox Paul W.S. Anderson, so he just used bullet time to fling things at the screen.

Anyways.

So with that in mind, I was pretty pumped to find this video. MTV News got the actors of Afterlife to act out some of the classically brutal lines from the series. Any dork worth his weight in Claire Redfield cosplay can quote these lines. Sadly. So what is the greatest thing in life? Getting the shitty actors to quote shitty lines from Resident Evil. There’s some sort of righteous meta-commentary going on here, because there are countless lines from the movie which are actually worse than these lines.

Keep giggling, Milla Jovovich. You can’t act nor are you the Master of Unlocking like Jill!

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Came across these sons a bitches today over at the illustrious Mad Gear Solid. New Bioshock Infinite screens. Jesus Christ am I looking forward to this game. Especially after finishing the exercise in mediocrity, Bioshock 2. Aiight boys, now that Levine and company are delivering the goods, let’s get this shit done.

We get a first look at the Handyman, who looks god damn gorgeous/terrifying, as well as some looks at the City in the Sky. Hit the jump and check out the bonery.

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God damn. You guys know I love a lot of things, but there are seldom things I love more than both the original Bioshock, and retro-future art and universes. Well Jesus Christ, the covers to this month’s Game Informer bring the two together in ways that may cause inappropriate orgasming.

The three covers reveal the Handyman the Bioshock Infinite equivalent of the Big Daddy, as well as advertisements for what may be the equivalent of plasmids called Vigors. Who knows. The covers are ornate beyond reason, and total porn for geeks like me.

Hit the jump to check out the covers.

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