I really don’t have to do much talking. Just file under: Things too odd to be true. Like, seriously. Bayonetta has to be the most sexualized game in recent memory. Jesus, God damn.

Via Destructoid:

Japanese porn distributor V and I may have different ideas on what is and isn’t sexy, but when it comes to Bayonetta, it appears we’re both pulling in the right direction. V is known for such adult entertainment as Would You Like To Get An Enema Until You Poop? and I Saw A Bowel Movement! but it’s put the feces aside for one day to honor Bayonetta (star of Bayonetta), dubbing her the “number one erotic actress of 2009.”

“This right here is high-grade peeping,” claims V. We’ve been assured that peeping isn’t a typo, which can only be deemed a blessed relief. The porn maker has also deemed Bayonetta’s hair movements “erotic.”

It’s good to know that even in my most depraved moments, there are people out there that make me look like a choir boy. And oh yeah, if you don’t know what scat is, do yourself a favor and don’t google it at work. Or ever, for that matter.

Further proof that Japan is awesome? This fucking marketing scheme:

Via Kotaku:

With the game days away from release in Japan, the SEGA Bayonetta marketing blitz continues. The latest are large posters in Shinjuku Station’s with fliers than can be pulled off.

Giant ass posters out in the public, that encourage people to yank off Bayonetta fliers to reveal the babe underneath? This is fucking brilliant. Especially when it yields this:

Seriously. I don’t really have any other words. How ridiculously fucking awesome is this? I need to create a Bayonetta category, because really all I want to talk about is this game. And her. Oh sweet her. Listen, it’s not like I’m obsessed with her. But I’d dump Too Good For Me Girlfriend in a second for her. Just kidding baby. Wink, wink.

My love for Bayonetta is well documented. Between the Devil May Cry-esque gameplay, the ridiculous action scenes…and oh yeah, the fact that I want to marry Bayonetta and worship latex, the game is my dream. Well, apparently Famitsu agrees. Because they gave it a 40/40.

Seriously.

Via Kotaku

Japanese game magazine Famitsu has four separate critics score games on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the best score. The four scores are then tallied, and 40 is perfecto.

Today, only eleven, well, now twelve games have been awarded the perfect score. The latest is multi-platform title Bayonetta. Multi-platform Bayonetta is the first game to appear on the Xbox 360 to receive this score.

Ah. This is both amazing, and ridiculous. It confirms my love for the game isn’t misplaced, and it also makes me crack up. Other games that have   garnered perfect scores? Oh, just Ocarina of Time and Vagrant Story. And not to mention the countless games that are probably better than Bayonetta and haven’t.

But I’m counting this as a fucking victory. If MGS4: Dullness of the Patriots and Nintendogs can get perfect scores, why the hell not? It is, at the very least, confirmation that on January 29, 2010, I’ll have a reason to at least put down Mass Effect 2 for a moment. Seriously, these two games are three days apart? Fuck me. Fuck you, gaming gods.

Bayonetta. Perfect. Amazing.

Bayonetta is going to be one of those things that I’m not going to stop talking about until I play it. Every week seems to bring another god damn revelation that pushes me towards the brink of both human, and gamer climax. Last week it was a Japanese commercial that featured “Nonstop Climax Action” and a Bayonetta sucking a lollipop. This week? Bayonetta butt cheeks. Butt cheeks are awesome. Seriously. Male and female bums are cool, and the cheeks are a big part of the hotness.

Well, apparently a demo for Bayonetta is out, and it features her and her butt cheeks. Why, you ask? Tell them, Destructoid!

Bayonetta’s magical hair wraps around her body and acts like clothing. The hair is also used in a variety of attacks, able to form fists, boots and huge monsters. The beauty of this system is that every time Bayonetta pulls off a combo, she loses her clothes. The more impressive the move, the more naked she gets. It’s genius on a fiendish level.

Let me break it down for you guys. This is fucking phenomenal.

1. The more ass you kick
2. The more ass you see

This is brilliance.

Ah, Bayonetta. On a nightly basis, I get into debates with myself over the merits of Bayonetta. On one hand, it seems like an amazing game. It stars a gorgeous woman with GLASSES, and features Devil May Cry-esque gameplay. On the other hand, it seems like the most amazing and flagrant female objectification in a long time. I take a moral stand for about fourteen seconds, before I’m amazingly defenseless in the face of a gorgeous woman and sleek gameplay.

Fearful of being outdone by anyone in the super-sexy-uber-sexual game department, Capcom has released a commercial for Bayonetta in Japan which features cleavage, ass shots, and yes, lollipop sucking. Top it all off with the tagline, “Nonstop Climax Action.” Amazing.

Check the video out after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »

Normally having a gorgeous girlfriend is a benefit unto itself. However, apparently I’m going to have to guilt her into winning me…uh, I mean, “us” a sweet HD gaming set-up. Peep this shit:

Via Kotaku:

If you think you’re a dead ringer for the witch, you need to submit your pictures by Sept. 30. The best looking of the lot will then be posted on Maxim.com for fans to vote on from Oct. 1 to Oct. 23.

The final winner will be selected by Maxim and game developer Platinum Games, awarding the lucky faux Bayonetta an Xbox 360, a 50 inch Panasonic TC-P50X1 HDTV Plasma TV and an Xbox 360 version of the game.

She already has the cute Bayonetta glasses, and her hair is blonde but that’s why the good lord invented Loreal or whatever that hair-dyeing shit is called.

I’m just kidding of course. She has too much class to do this. Which can mean only one thing. My hairy nerd-ass, smacking of computer chair stink and pudginess in leather.

As Scar says in the Lion King, Be PREPARRRRRED.

Bayonetta, the action game coming from the man behind Viewtiful Joe, Okami, Resident Evil and Devil May Cry promises to be many things. A showcase of a hot chick in leather and glasses. More action insanity from the master. And apparently, a venue for pussy handholding.

From Destructoid:

Bayonetta‘s “Very Easy Automatic” mode is designed for noobs, but should also be perfectly suited to the chronic wanker. Able to be played with one hand, socially maladjusted gamers like myself will be able to pull their plonkers, issue a fine stringy jet of minging muck-magma, and clean up the pubic marshland without ever having to stop the game. Genius.

The bitchification of gamers continues. What a bunch of casual douchebags the gaming community is coming. I honestly don’t understand how it is gratifying to hit one button and mop the floor with shit. Half of my enjoyment from playing games like Ninja Gaiden and Devil May Cry 3 is the thrill of execution. It’s about learning the strategies and finally being able to fell some bad ass boss.

Listen, I know they’re going to include a real mode for real gamers, so this is just auxiliary as a way to lure more fans in. But it just seems confounding to me that people would enjoy it, and as a shithead-hard-ass-gaming-dbag, I resent giving shitty gamers the ability to wank out without skill. I know I’m being pretentious. Fuck you.