Let me tell you a story that my superiors at the Time Guild wouldn’t want you to know.

A couple of days ago, I decided that I wanted to travel to the year 195,000 BCE. Since it was the weekend, I had to use my personal time-machine, which I actually prefer to the stodgy contraption they allot me at the office. However, without the Guild’s temporal disinhibitor-ray, it was up to me to craft a suitable concoction. So after filling my gut with three liters of Pepsi Max, taking a shot of bourbon, and huffing paint thinner for the better part of an hour, I stumbled into my broom closet and passed out.

There you have it – my secret recipe for spacetime fabric softener.

Anyways, when I came to I was in the dense jungles of prehistory. Looking skyward, I saw a pterodactyl soaring majestically. Shielding my eyes from the sun, I looked to the ocean just in time to catch a glance of a megalodon snapping a leviathan in half before submerging once again. And on the path before me, two cavemen bros riding their steeds, a saber-toothed tiger and a mastodon, respectively.

The caveman on the saber-toothed tiger was the first to see me, and he quickly pointed me out to his buddy. “Daniel, check it out! It’s another one of those dudes from Beyond the Wheel.” He waved to me invitingly, “C’mon over, man!”

I was nervous, but I obliged.

The other caveman hopped off his mastodon and shook my hand. “Hey there! My name’s Daniel and this is my friend Hollis. Who might you be, Beyonder?”

“Pleasure to meet you, Daniel and Hollis. My name is Rendar Frankenstein and I’m from the year 2012. Well, actually, I’m originally from 1986 but I’ve caught up to 2012, and I guess that’s when I’m not shifting all over. I’ve been to a lot of points in the 20th century, and hell, I’ve even gone back Plato’s cave and the Garden of Eden and beyond that. You guys ever see 2001?”

Blank stares.

I laughed. “My bad! Anyways, what’re ya’ll up to?”

With a pat on my back, Hollis clued me in. “We’re actually about to meet back up with the tribe and raid a T-Rex nest. With those things on your feet,” he pointed to my hi-tops, “you could really help us out. You want in?”

Long story short – dinosaurs were murdered, the caveman tribe was victorious, and I got to start off today by having a prehistoric omelet.

Just don’t tell my superiors at the Time Guild. I need this job, and they’re lookin’ for a reason to can me.

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Welcome to the Monday Morning Commute! I’m going to list off the various ways I’ll be salvaging my (dwindling) sanity during the workweek. It’s then your duty to hit up the comments section and share your own recipe for mental-refuge. C’mon, ain’t this the whole point of an Internet community?

Let’s stab this dino in the heart with a fuckin’ bone-shard dagger!

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Come one! Come all! Into the comic book column where we gather around the sacred hearth, the Pull List. Gathered around the resplendent flames as they lick our lollies, we share the comic books we’re interested in on a given week. Though not an Alpha Male, more along the lines of a First Sacrifice, I’ll go first. After done condemning my taste with your judgey eyes and pinnacle eyes, throw your chips into the bulging fire and pray the Gods of Well-Stocked Shelves smile upon you.

Not sure what is coming out? Hit up ComicList.

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I’ve been quite enjoying the segue from Grant Morrison to Scott Snyder on Batman  proper in this post-Flashthing world, so I’m anxious to see how the two of them compliment one another. Whatever the case, I’m totally stoked for another round of Frank Quitely penciling the rodent.

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Thunder and lightning and gods seek revenge! This is the Covers Variant, your weekly destination to hear one comic book near blather. Blather incessantly about the titles he’s excited about picking up tomorrow. It’s a stacked week for me, as my diminishing insanity has increased my interest in the funny books tenfold. How else to escape from an army of due dates and end of the semester papers? Forwards! Backwards! Everywhere, through time.

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Northlanders #34
Brian Wood’s latest storyline wraps up this month in the conclusion of Metal. I’ll be sad to see it go. It’s been my go-to comic book every week that it’s come out. Kick back, crack the shit out of this one’s spine, and drift back into an age of Viking fury, axe wounds, and commentary on the power of faith. Fair thee well, Erik. You were a good dumb son of a bitch Viking, raging against the Christian machine. But I’m pretty sure you’re not going to make it out of this alive.

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Harlan Ellison’s Phoenix Without Ashes #4
The final issue of Harlan Ellison’s failed TV pilot turned graphic novel mindfuck comes out this week, and what a sweet embrace it shall be. It’s been a favorite comic of mine since it debuted, and the four issues have been taut and action packed. It isn’t so much that I lament the story ending because there is so much more to do with it, but rather out of an appreciate for the ride I’ve been taken on. Listen, it’s simple: science-fiction god is spinning a final tale that reeks of prescient tropes (he wrote this thing back in the day), and familiar narratives.

It’s easy to let this one slide past, particularly since it seems to have gone without being noticed by the Grand Hype Machine. Do yourself a solid and see a master explain through panel and pacing why he is a geek pillar.

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Batman Incorporated #1
Last week, without the majority of the comic book world noticing it, Grant Morrison turned Batman into a God. Literally.This week, Wayne undertakes the much more pedestrian task of turning Batman into a corporation. A globe trotting assemblage of Batmen and Batwomen, kicking ass and taking names as a collection of vigilantes. It stems off the recent reveal by Brucey not that he is Batman, but rather that he funds him.

Alright Morrison, I’ll give it to you, I’m intrigued. My main concern is how sustainable this storyline is; how long can a legion of Flying Rodents deal out justice before it comes crashing down around him. I’m a battered spouse, and I’ve been promised status quos being rearranged too many times to think something as drastic as this will persist. Maybe that’s just me.

Every week we’re promised something insane. This week it was the Death of Spider-Man, which will change the Ultimate universe forever! Yawn. Can’t trick me again. Actually, you can. I’m a sucker. Also dropping this week is nineteen other Batman titles, including Batman: The Return, a one-shot which will probably do nothing more than serve as table-setting for everything else in the Bat-universe.

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Superior #2
Mark Millar used to be a favorite writer of mine. These days, I find him far too obviously lusting for shock. We are not best friends any longer. That said, the first issue of Superior was decent to me, and I found that to be more than I could say for his other works, like Nemesis, Kick-Ass 2, or Ultimate Avengers. While it still served up the paste that used to be the trope of the Average Kid Desiring the Incredible that he’s beaten into paste, it dared to bring with it something that had been missing from his works: heart. Maybe I’m a sucker, but the starry-eyed kid with a disability getting the ability to be fantastic tugs on strings of empathy that bleed within my crusty dork heart.

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