#November2012
The Slumber Party Manifesto
(As Americans brace themselves for another big Election Day, Omega-Level is proud to offer its services to a new political party, designed by Argey Fontes and Andrew Mercier (our very own Eduardo Pluto, sans pseudonym): The Slumber Party. Here is its extensive manifesto. TL;DR: Party on.)
America is faced with a widespread contagion—the Great Yawn. Millions of people across this country have contracted it already and the numbers are rising. During this critical time in the nation’s history, two-party politics has become exceptionally polarizing, when partisans thwart necessary reform and others are too complacent with the status quo. Nothing changes substantially except the ever-growing gap. Proposals from one side are quickly dismantled or disregarded by the other. The only reciprocity that crosses the divide is yawning, brought on by fatigue and tedium. Meanwhile, those whose allegiances are not to these party lines try their best to stay removed, but many cannot for long. Watching from the outskirts, they become disillusioned by the dysfunction, turned off by the whole process, and are then similarly caught by the outbreak.
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CANDY CORN-FLAVORED OREOS are real. ‘Cause our obesity is freedom.
Fuck yes! If we can have bacon-flavored ice cream, I see no good reason we can’t have candy corn-flavored Oreos. This is America, god dammit! Where if we don’t have XXXL t-shirts, the terrorists have clearly won. Don’t eat these to appease your fat ass. Eat these for freedom.
‘Expendables 2’ Is PG-13 Because Of Chuck Norris. Dude Sucks.
Confirmation of what I’ve known for a long time amid the Norris wanking throughout the years: he ain’t no Jean Claude. Latest case in point: his joining the cast of Expendables 2 has brought a PG-13 into the mix for the movie, thereby condemning it by precluding the only thing that would make it awesome: old douche ultra violence.
Bacon Flavored Lube? It’s Real, And The Ultimate Spirit of America.
Finally us bloated Americans have the official lube to go with our genital-stank and our gut-bulge. Bacon flavored lube. It’s really real, and the advertisements for it are amazing.
Creator of ‘Doritos’ Has Died, Here’s An Orange-Fingered Salute.
Doritos are fucking delicious. Sure, they stink my breath up for a day and a half. As I vomit-burp up the spices out of my carbonated-ravaged esophagus. Sure they’re three-million calories. Sure they cover my fingers in yet another vile coating of stuff. They’re fantastic. Their creator has died. Let us mourn.
