Sony, who can’t see to do fucking anything right according to all the treasure troves of leaked emails, rebuffed Marvel’s advances regarding their arachnid superhero. Despite burying Parker in the fucking melange of fecal matter, peppered with bits of corn and overwrought sentiment known as Amazing Spider-Man 2, Sony didn’t see the obvious benefit that would befall their franchise should Spider-Man appear in a legitimate Marvel movie.

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I’ll hand it to Sony. They have absolutely no fucking idea what they’re doing with the Spider-Man franchise. Like, no idea at all. Soft-reboot? Female-led spin-off? Sinister Six getting their own movie? All of these? None of these? And Kevin Feige eating raw souls and cackling as  each report comes out. Just knowing, knowing the chance of the MCU snagging the license back (or sharing it) increases with every insane proposal Sony farts out.

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Oh Lords of Advil, don’t fail me now. It’s Monday — folks. That sucks. It’s also Caff-Pow here — folks. Doubly sucks. Tagging in for Rendar this week. Stow your tears, he’ll be back next week. So for now, I’m going to drop on you the various things I’m indulging on during this week. ‘Cause, you know, that’s the premise of this column. Monday Morning Commute.

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With Captain White Guy: White Guys Fight Over The World 2 dropping today, Sony is eager to remind the comic book fandom they have their own super-powered white dude coming to save the day this summer. Droppin’ a fucking extended TV spot for the Amazing Spider-Man 2. It’s aiight. I’m ready! Ready to dig into this flick.

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Man. Dane DeHaan usually looks haggard as fuck, but this is some next-level disgusting shit. Check out this more-than-we-need look at the talented actor as the Green Goblin.

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Oh boy! A fucking choir and poignant proclamations in this trailer!  So while it seems that Parker seems to be pretty stoked to be Spider-Man, I’m imagining his house of cards shall come tumbling down. ‘Cause though he seems to like all of that fucking shit when times are good, I’m interested to see how stoked he is when the villains shit down his lungs and he snaps Gwen’s neck with webbing. Sad Spider-Boner then, I imagine.

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First half of this trailer: Oh man being Spider-Man is fucking glorious, I’m funny and my nuts are huge from radioactivity, things are fun. Second half of this trailer: LOL nvm mind that here’s a tonally inconsistent trailer being Spider-Man actually sucks, post script: everyone I love dies because I wear a leotard.

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Hey! It’s the second half of the Amazing Spider-Man 2 Super Bowl trailer! First half dropped last week. Plus! A four-minute sizzle reel that Sony has dropped, detailing the various villains in the movie.

Say word?

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1) Yes, part one. Now they’re splitting up teasers and pimping the reveal of the second halves. 2) Look at Sony’s Wunder-Trailer Gurus trolling Gwen Stacy’s fate with that final shot. 3) I’m really looking forward to this flick.

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Marvel business formula for last four years. Break status quo with new issue #1. Return to status quote with new issue #1. Break status quo with new #1. Return to status quo in time for movie tie-in with new issue #1. Peter Parker is the latest character to tote this contrived rock, though I’m glad for his return.

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