I’m going to tell you something, and you’re not going to believe me. I had faith that last night’s episode was going to be good. No, seriously. I spent all yesterday talking with friends about LOST, and I kept saying the same thing over and over again. “Yeah man, I don’t know, I just think it’s going to be good.” It’s faith though, yo. What was it based on? Just pure gut. Call me Jack Shephard. I texted my friend Tommy, I talked to Pepsibones. It was going to be good.

There’s something about being an idealist, or an optimist, or whatever you want to call it. But I always believe the best is going to happen somehow.

And sometimes! Sometimes I’m correct. Usually I’m wrong. But I wasn’t last night. What They Died For was easily one of the best episodes of the season, and it’s probably in my Top 10 of the series. Yeah, I went there. It was one of those episodes where LOST is hitting all its high notes. Ridiculous WTF moments, mythos building, and some emotional bullshit thrown into the mix.

I’ve made my ass-crush for Jacob known all season long. Perhaps it’s because I relate to his unyielding optimism. Despite the fact that he’s watched for centuries as man has let him down, he continues to believe that they have the potential for good. I mean, if he hasn’t been crushed by thousands of years of selfish behavior, how could I let Lindelof and Cuse break me in one week? Call my ass adamantium, ’cause my will is unbreakable.

Jacob sits down the remaining candidates and explains to them what they have to do, they have to kill Smokey. Does this not make sense to anyone else? I have always understood that there needed to be balance on the Island, and if MiB was dead, wouldn’t that throw off the scales just like Jacob did? Intriguing. There’s also always the chance that Jacob is using for the sort of Obi-Wan double speak that has rocked out throughout the entire show.

“What do you fucking mean he killed my father, Kenobi? You fucking liar! Don’t give me that manner of speaking bullshit! Ghostly prick!”

Last week there was a serious wrinkle thrown into the whole “The point of the Island is to prevent him from leaving” bullshit, when that Annoying Mom from Juno told the two Wonder Twins that their job was to “Protect the Light”. I just puked in my mouth a little bit. So maybe, perchance, Jack’s role is to dismiss Smokey and then protect the Honeypot Glowing Vagina at the center of the Island?

Bueller? Anyone?

If anything came out of last week’s train wreck of an episode, it was the humanizing of Jacob, and I sort of dug on that. What I took from Survivor: The Island where all the Candidates and The Lecherous Freckled One sat and spoke with Jacob is that the dude done fucked up by throwing MiB into the Honeypot. Some sort of odd corruption took place when he dinged that donkey-wheelin’ douchebag out and he floated into the light. Smokey was born, and it then became Jacob’s job to protect the light at the center of the Island, and prevent Smokey from leaving.

In a manner of speaking, I am reading the two jobs to be mutually exclusive at this point. Smokey taking off from the Island would extinguish the light, and so Jacob/Jack has the wonderful task of preventing him from leaving, and then preventing anyone from corrupting the light.

Two things:

First off, I dig the human twist to Jacob. There’s something romantically awful about his plight. The guy’s spent thousands of years trying to prevent Smokey from leaving, while living under the notion that he was eventually going to be killed. Jacob is some weird Cain from Cain and Able. A man filled with good, yet charged with killing his own brother and having to live with the consequences. That shit is heavy! Dude needs a hug.

Secondly, how exactly would anyone find the light if they weren’t deserving of it? Isn’t that the general gist of this week and last’s week episode? It seems to be what he told Jack when he totally became THE ONE.

Read the rest of this entry »

As I laid awake in bed last night, I contemplated the insane amount of time I have dedicated towards writing about, talking about, and thinking about LOST this year. From beginning in January by writing an article a day for an entire month, to taking screen captures relentlessly to provide you with retarded facial expressions, to writing absurdly long recaps of every episode of this season, I have been all LOST, all the time.

Last night, I watched what I feel is the worst episode of LOST. Ever. Worse than Nikki and Paulo. And I’ll tell you why. Nikki and Paulo were a couple of terrible characters that in the long run, didn’t do anything other than waste our time. Last night, Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse bent over, and took a big bloody shit on the entire mythos of LOST.

Not only did they show us the midichlorians like I feared, they then decided to explain the midichlorians’ midichlorians. They spent an hour needlessly explaining things that would have been perfectly fine unexplained. And in doing all of this explaining, they created a universe of utter ridiculousness beyond the scope of ridiculousness in which LOST already exists. They took muddled concepts that were cool because they were never explained, and made them insensibly more complicated and lame.

So lame.

What an absurd world of convenience they built last night. Let’s see Jacob and Smokey are twins? Really? How heavy-handed and retarded is that? And in case you missed it, the dichotomy that separates the two of them, after immediately being shit out of some woman we’ve never met before, they’re wrapped in blankets of white and black. Just in case you couldn’t put it together. That’s what is wrong with LOST this season, an inexplicable drive to replace all of their vaporous bullshit that stemmed from sloppy writing with hard line answers that stem from sloppy writing. They have crossed the chasm, switching from one extreme to the other.

After shitting out the unexpected MiB, the Mom comments that she only had “one name” and yeah, we never get MiB’s true name. It’s amazing that with all the awful demystification we’re given in this episode, we can’t get the guy’s lame fucking name.

Amazing.

Amazing! That’s the one detail they skimp on.

At some point in the episode the Step-Mom from Juno takes Smokey and Jacob to the Glowing Vagina at the center of the Island. This is what they’ve been protecting the entire time.

Wait, what?

I thought the entire point of the Island was to prevent evil from getting out. And now it’s to prevent people from taking the light? As well, what the fuck is this, the Lion King? I mean, there’s some “light” inside of every single human being? Jesus fucking Christ, what is happening to this show? This sort of drippy, tear-soaked dogshit love bullcrap that I can’t even conceive of someone writing. Let alone Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse, who have ushered me through some of my favorite television ever.

MiB decides he’s not cool anymore and he wants to leave the Island. Now we know he’s been a whiny bitch since forever, but that’s okay because Jacob is a weepy Momma’s boy. He goes to live with the people on the Island, and they figure a way to get off of the Island. Somehow it has to do with electromagnetic currents and shit. And then the show really just begins fucking farting and shitting inside of its underwear. Oh my God Jesus fucking Lord help me.

The annoying bitch Mom goes down and we see MiB making the fucking donkey wheel. The fucking donkey wheel. Ready for this? Somehow, the fucking PRIMITIVES on the Island, have figured out that like, there’s light or something.

Wait, what?

Read the rest of this entry »

How much do you need to know about LOST to feel fulfilled? I ask you this question. Tomorrow night we’re getting an episode tots dedicated to Jacob and MiB, and I’m worried. Why? I’m worried because I don’t need to know their entire backstory. I really don’t. In fact, I think I would prefer if they left parts of it in the dark. Seriously.

I don’t need to know about the midichlorians.

Do you?

Listen, I’m totally cool if we’re given an episode where we see Jacob and Smokey’s intellectual duel throughout the decades. Centuries even. They’ve shown in the teasers what appears to be little Jacob and MiB running around all snotty-nosed and covered in grime. And that’s cool.

But there’s a difference between demystifying a character and showing character interactions, you know? I don’t need to know specifically how long MiB and Jacob have been on the Island. I don’t even need to know literally what Smokey is, or how he got there. I don’t know, am I the only one?

I don’t need to know about the midichlorians.

I’ll give the writers some credit. They’ve pulled off two enormous reveals to my satisfaction. They’ve told me what Smokey was, and what the purpose of the Island is, and I’ve loved both of those reveals. So why am I being so pessimistic? Perhaps I’d love the backstory between the two of them.

I could!

I really could.

But I don’t know, something about having to put the pieces together myself seems more interesting. LOST has always straddled the line, or uh, is it lines between a) telling us nothing b) telling us too much c) telling us enough to figure it out ourselves. It’s like the television equivalent of the Four Corners or some shit.

But I don’t need to know how Smokey got to the Island, I don’t even need to know how many bodies he’s taken the form of, or if he was ever truly human. I say let that shit sulk in the dark, away complete exposition.

I don’t need to know about the midichlorians.

Where do you stand?

I can’t tell if I love Damon Lindelof, or if I find him incredibly smug and self-satisfied. I think it’s probably a little of both. So when he drops shit like:

via slashfilm:

If you’re expecting Lost to end with definitive answers think again. The Hollywood Reporter conducted an interview with Lost co-creator-showrunner Damon Lindelof, who revealed that the series finale will “end lost in a way that feels ‘Lost’-ian and fair and will generate a tremendous amount of theorizing.

I can’t tell if I love it, or if I’m annoyed. Lindelof, listen brother. I love you, I love LOST. But this season has been a Shit Hill with diamonds scattered amongst the partially digested corn kernels. So cut the shit, stop acting like you’re the man, and so help me, please don’t blow it. You have five episodes left.

I’m find with theorizing. I’m find with mysteries and unexplained phenomenology. See: Final Fantasy VII [prior to the movie], Battlestar Galactica, and The Beginning of The Cosmos.

What I’m not cool with is Transdimensional Love-Based Denouements, Sappy Heavy-Handed Exposition, and Kate, Sun, Jin, and Claire.

And David Shephard.

Alright, I really think that Flashforward is LOST for mouth-breathers. It’s as subtle as one of my classroom farts, and it has some awful acting.

That said?

That said.

It’s pretty fucking enjoyable. And not only does it have the requisite half-baked mushy science to back up its sci-fi, it’s got some amusing literary references too. Last week saw a reference to The Garden of Forking Paths, a well known short story. And it’s also Pepsibones’ manifesto. No, seriously. Ask him. It’s like, the progenitor of all the hypertextuality Pepsibones will babble about, and to see it referenced in Flashforward made my balls tingle a little bit.

It also doesn’t hurt that the guy who dropped the phrase, Dyson Frost, went under the alias of D. Gibbons, a nod to the penciler of Watchmen.

Flashforward is junk food, but it’s satisfying, and has references for nerds like me. Plus? No Kate. Or Sun. Or Jin. Or Transdimensional Love.

Just saying.

Here’s the thing about this season of LOST. A lot of people are worried that the writers don’t have enough time to wrap everything up. I disrespectfully disagree. I think that they have too much fucking time on their hands. And instead of a tightly-knit prolonged orgasm of a season, we’re getting a lot of tip-teasing. Yeah, tip-teasing. There’s a lot of foot-dragging and every episode is backloaded towards the last ten minutes or so. This episode was no different, though I dug the fuck out of it.

Let’s start with the big picture. MiB is clearly being used to some extent, as a doppleganger for the Devil. El Diablo! Repent, or the Smoke Monster will eat you! Or at least, he’ll drag you. He does a lot of dragging. How does he actually kill these people? Just gun them into air, and let gravity do the rest? I’m not hatin’, that’s an awful way to go.

More specifically, last night he reminded me a lot of Milton’s Lucifer from Paradise Lost. Last night, Sayid is given a sword by Dogen and told to go meet MiB in the forest and stab his ass, and he gives him the specific instruction to not let MiB speak to him.

The whole thing wafts of allusions to the snake in the Garden of Eden. Sayid marches through the forest to meet with MiB. He walks through this Eden, because let’s face it, the Island possesses some seriously fucking impressive attributes, and meets up with Smokey. And just like Lucifer, Smokey is a shape-shifter. Naw, not a snake, but an equally impressive black cloud. And just like Lucifer, Smokey’s most powerful quality is his velvet-tongue. Lucifer is all like, yo, dude, eat that fucking apple. But he doesn’t do it by force, he does it by pouring honey into the ears of those around them.

Promising them things.

Just like MiB.

The MiB is arranging some sort of super-squad of douchebags from Oceanic 815 and homeless-looking people. And for all the aspersions he casts on Jacob for being manipulative, he’s just as much. MiB has gone from Sawyer to Sayid to everyone on the Island, and told them of this grand deception that have played a part in – you don’t have to stay here!, your choices were cast for you!, let us all go, now that Jacob is gone!

Throughout the entire time on the Island, he has conspired to kill Jacob. And he has done it all through intermediaries and violence. The fact that he even wears the form of Locke is a testament to his guile and persuasion. His velvet-tongue, his temptations and promises, like the Devil, get people to do his bidding.

Sayid, you can have your babe back!

Claire, you can have your kid back!

Promises, promises, promises.

In LA X, Sayid still wants to bang the hell out of Nadia. Unfortunately, she’s married to his brother. She’s married to him because Sayid was all emo and pushed her away in LA X. And when she’s like, dude, you’re still sweating me, why didn’t you get with this? Our kids would have been way cuter, have you seen my daughter? Her fucking eyebrows look like caterpillars, Sayid has the most disgusting response ever.

Because I don’t…deserve you.

Holy fucking groan! Did he just really say that? Jesus Christ. I turned to my friend Dave, who then barfed onto my crotch. After wiping up the vomit, he asked me, who is writing this? And I told him the Wachowski Brothers. But that was a lie. This season is aggravating, because they’re swinging these mallets instead of making their points. You don’t have to have someone say the words destiny to make your point, nor do you have to make Sayid outright say he doesn’t deserve her?

On the Island, Sayid succumbs to the succor of MiB’s sayings. He sets about killing Dogen and Lennon, which somehow, and I have no idea how, allows for Smokey to infiltrate the Temple of Doom. Really, a random Japanese guy who was a business man was the only thing keeping them out of there? I have to tip my cap to the writers for their handling of Sayid, because I didn’t see it coming. I always assumed that Sayid would be a virtuous dude. Apparently he’s destined to cause misery. OMFG.

The other miserable moment in this episode came when Dogen was telling Sayid about his life. Listen, writers. It’s the final season. We’ve never met this guy before. All he’s been since he was introduced is some contrived mysterious guy, whose entire personality is centered around floating half-baked sentences around to conjure up mystic bullshit. We don’t care about his kid, his dumb baseball, or that he’s an alcoholic.

And furthermore, we’re not going to care when Dogen dies! We barely know the guy! And not only that, what we do know of him, sucks! Thank God he’s fucking dead.

And what exactly was the purpose of the Temple? Does anyone know? It was clumsily introduced at the beginning of the season, and then what? They just sat there for five episodes, everyone in it dies, and now they’re leaving it. Pointless. A waste of time.

On LA X, Sayid once again kills Keamy. Jesus Christ, how creepy is Keamy? And the question about Free Will versus Choice is again raised. It’s erroneous to think that the shit poppin’ off on LA X is destiny. Hurley, Jack, and Locke are all living much nicer livers; albeit quiet and boring and mundane and a waste of my time. But Sayid? Sayid is back to killing again. Keamy, again. Some lives have changed, some are the same.

A strong theory is that LA X is some sort of dreamworld or reality conjured up by Jacob or MiB that gives the people of the Island the life they deserved. Coming at the beginning of this season, the writers kept dropping the word consequence. Consequence. Consequence, consequence, consequence. So perhaps Sayid is being punished in LA X for the fact that he just laid the boom down on everyone in the main reality.

Who knows?

It’s interesting though.

The last ten minutes of the episode were insane, and had me screaming at the top of my lungs. If you watch the show with me, you know I’m not not kidding. MiB busts into the Temple, and starts droppin’ heads. But even more bad ass? Ilana, Ben, and Lapidus roll up! When they showed up, I was like, OH FUCK, THE JUSTICE LEAGUE IS HERE! Lapidus is obviously Superman, Ilana being the Amazonian beauty   she is stands in for Wonder Woman, and Ben is Batman. Just like our boy Wayne, he’s got a million ways out of everything. They were like a supergroup ready to lay the smack down on Smokey. Or at least save whoever wanted to come with them.

Some shit is up with Ilana, and I’m glad they’re not done with her character. When Jacob visited her in The Incident, he spoke to her as though she knew who he was, so she’s got some inside knowledge. Maybe she subscribes to Deities Weekly, and has been writing scholarly articles or some shit. I have no idea. She’s special.

At the end of the episode, the battle lines are drawn. MiB has conjured himself up a legitimate fucking posse. And they roll out in slow-motion, which every single posse should do at one point. I’m not certain where they’re going, but they are rocking out en masse, and they intend on leaving the Island. MiB has promised them all riches and excess freedom. Save for the fact that he’s done it down the barrel of a gun. Come with me and be free, or die. On the other side? There’s Jacob and his crew! Save for uh, the fact that Jacob is dead.

The obvious confrontation is between the philosophies of Jacob and MiB. Do either of them really offer Free Will? I’m not really sure. MiB has propelled people through Force, which fits nicely into people’s comparisons to him with Hobbes. And yeah, Smokey sure looks like a Leviathan, doesn’t he? And Jacob presents with them choices or opportunities. Like our philosopher Locke, not the crippled one, he believes in the human spirit. He doesn’t offer a direct hand, and it is his distanced approach that MiB has exploited as lack of caring, disregard, apathy, cruelness.

In the end, maybe they’re both just exploiting everyone on the Island in some deistic chess match. They are all pieces in a debate over the virtues of humanity. Is Jacob really offering free choice, if he goes to visit these people? Or, as MiB says, does that affect their entire lives, leading them there? And conversely, MiB isn’t offering anyone freedom or choice. In fact, he’s exploiting the very faults he enumerates in the Incident, their greed, their destruction, their consumption, to achieve his release. Who the fuck knows.

This was really long, I’m sorry. I’ll see you next week.

Remember last week on LOST when the show returned to the events of the original season, albeit in what may be a different universe? Yeah, unfortunately this week it also returned to the narrative structure of the first season. It went nowhere, featured pointless and painful dialogue, and predominantly featured the Whorey Freckled Chick being whorey and freckled. Oh yeah, and waving a gun around on the run, again.

I knew this episode was in trouble when my friend Dave asked what the episode title was. I fumbled around with the remote and brought up the episode info, “What Kate Does”. I should have known we were fucked at that moment. For starters, even if they were trying to be cleverly simplistic, the title wasn’t nearly as intriguing as LA X, and secondly, no one in their right mind gives a fuck about what Kate does, even if it takes place in Dimension YYZ, where she shoots laser beams out of her nipples.

The main portion of the storyline in 2007 was dedicated to torturing the crap out of Sayid and drilling the viewer into misery with insipid dialogue. Sayid’s back from the dead, but because they needed some fluff to fill an episode with, they beat around the bush the entire time and don’t tell you what’s up. After Jack finds out that Sayid has been seared with a hot poker and had his nipples electrocuted, he storms into Dogen’s mystical and beautiful laboratory. Listen, I’m all for mysterious guys, but he’s always standing around playing with something just to get me to be like “Oooh, you’re so mysterious and clever! At first it was some potions for your LARPing, and now you’re spinning a basebal!”

Jack calls him out on his bullshit, and there’s actually a great scene coming about. Dogen brings up the various pains that Jack has been responsible for inflicting on others. Dogen just seems to want to guilt-trip Jack, but nevertheless it resonates with him, and compounds the guilt he’s been feeling about failing as a leader, letting people he cares about down, and getting Juliet and Sayid all dead and stuff.

But then? Then the scene’s dialogue turns into something out of one of the putrid Matrix sequels.

Dogen tells Jack that he must give Sayid a pill, and the expository conversation made me want to kill myself:

Jack: Why should I give him this pill?

Dogen: Your friend is sick.

Jack: Huh? Dude just came back from the dead.

Dogen: He is sick.

Jack: Uh, with that?

Dogen: He’s infected.

Jack: With what? Jesus fucking Christ, TELL ME.

Dogen: An infection.

Jack: Let me get this straight, we just wasted the viewer’s time drawing out the idea that Sayid is infected…with an infection? You’re fucking with me, right? This can’t really be the script.

Thematically, the scene doesn’t bother me. It calls on Jack’s concept of noble leadership, and asks him to once again entrust in faith to guide him to the right answer. As we find out though, all it was really guiding him towards was poisoning his friend. I can’t help but think that Dogen the Mystical Asshole is actually correct, but the manner in the plot device is structured is retarded. He has to have Jack take the pill, because the pill will only work if Sayid takes it from him willingly, and only Jack can get him to do that, and uh, and uh, and uh.

The whole “overwrought and painful mystery” device was overdone in 2005. It’s the last season, there’s no need for it.

Brief Aside: There’s no need for Mac to be on LOST. None. I couldn’t stop imagining him doing sweet karate moves and teaching them to the Others. Good thing I have a DVR, because everyone in my room was laughing.

The centerpiece of LA X saw Kate and Claire rocking out in Dimension X. Kate goes from being on the run to sitting in a hospital room with Claire while Ethan assures her that her baby is going to be alright. Again the theme of destiny is brought up, and we’re left to wonder why the two of them are even trusting one another. One moment Kate is holding a gun to Claire’s head, the next moment she’s walking up to the Adopting Family’s house with her. It seems far-fetched at first, until you begin to wonder if there is a residual trust bleeding over from the dimension where Oceanic 815 went down. It’s the only way I can fathom there being any semblance of trust between the Crazy Chick with the Gun and Claire. I may be reaching, but there seem to be distinct moments where Kate searches trying to figure out if she recognizes Claire, only to give up on the thorn in her skull.

Throughout the storyline, they also swing the Destiny Hammer. It strikes anyone with a pulse with an emphatic reverberation, and you’re like “Okay, I get it, it’s destiny.” After all, I mean, what are the chances that the adoptive family doesn’t want to take Aaron, because they broke up? Dur, it’s like Claire was supposed to take care of Aaron! OMFG.

Here’s my problem with them using Claire and Kate as a means to interweave the two realities: I don’t care about either of them. Kate is a whore who is trying to get into Sawyer’s pants moments after his girlfriend died. And Claire? Claire disappeared awhile ago, and I didn’t really care about her then. She was just sort of there. It’s neat to see that these characters have an interwoven destiny no matter if the plane crashes or not, and it’s neat to see that Aaron and Claire were meant to be together, but as far as characters go, it just wasn’t that exciting for me.

Which makes the idea of Claire returning on the Island not that spectacular to me. That said, I am intrigued by the idea of an infection being spread throughout the Island. You got me, writers. Claire looks oh-so very Rousseau wielding her gun and shooting the punks trying to take down Jin. And if you consider the similarities – they’re both women who birthed on the Island, then it gets even more intriguing. Was Rousseau infected as well?

I don’t assume the rest of the episodes are going to be as drawn out and as uneventful as this one, Christ I hope not. I rationalized the first few seasons as laying the groundwork for the fireworks for the rest of the show. Pepsibones brought up that this is one of “those episodes that wouldn’t be so bad if you were watching on DVD”, and I agree. But the problem is that we’re rushing towards a climax at this point, not setting the stage for the series. There’s only a handle of episodes left, and I hate seeing one being wasted without more to show for it.

Here’s to next week.

[Remember That Time On LOST is a daily post running the entire month up until the season premiere of LOST on February 2nd. I’m going to just pick something awesome, noteworthy, or ludicrous about LOST when I wake up that morning, and hopefully get you geeks talking about it with me.]

LOST didn’t jump the shark. Lost jumped the fucking Island.

Do you remember where you were when Ben jumped the Island? Do you remember when you were? I sure do. I was sitting in a pile of my own disbelieving fluids on my futon. It was the moment where LOST went from sort-of-crazy, to absolutely insane. It went from the guy who used to come into the Shell station I worked at who always ordered forty-two cents of gas, to the other guy at Shell who used to pick cigarettes out of the outdoor ashtrays and mumble to himself while drooling. Both crazy, but different shades for sure.

LOST had always hinted at time-travel. You know, played with the penis tip of insanity. A little flick here, a little rub there. But it was just toying with the concept. And I mean, can you really blame them? The unwashed masses who vomit up onto themselves while watching Everybody Likes Three And a Half Pedophiles Named Raymond aren’t much for time traveling, are they? They like jokes where the unfunny guy makes a comment that casts him as a buffoon to his wife, who just happens to be way too good looking for such an inept douche.

Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse, who shall be known as The Geeks With Balls of Enormity introduced time travel into a big budget show on a major network. Maybe my generation aren’t just a bunch of people spray-tanned orange and strung out on pills! Maybe they’re a people spray-tanned orange, strung out on pills, and down with some serious mind-intercoursing!

The moment itself is epic. It is so wonderfully apparent that the writers of LOST can’t do anything simple. There’s no magic lever that Ben pulls to jump the Island. There’s no single red button. No, Ben descends into an ancient cavern, cast in frost, and yanks on a wheel. It’s all so absurd and wonderful and it makes me gleeful that they’ve been able to tell this story, despite the fact that I have absolutely no idea what the Island is, why a donkey wheel can shift bodies of land, or why this wheel is in the heart of the Island, which just so happens to be bound in ice and snow.

And so Ben shifts the Island, and in doing so unbounds the show from yet another set of rules. Forwards, backwards, even perhaps laterally, the show can move in time. The show wipes its ass with past conventions of narrative and has sort of just made it up as it goes along. They take hypertextuality to a new level.

At first the show moved backwards from the present to the character’s past lives. Then it moves from the present, to the past, and also to the future. And when Ben moves the Island, dislodging the weird wheel that looks likes its from a Zelda game, the show moves in well, any direction. The present is an illusion, cast upon our lives by our mortal brains! In the next season, the present becomes a variety of moments, differing from character to character. And even then, the ‘present’ for someone can be all totally like 2004, then 1952, then 1976! Or something! Holy shit! Free your mind from common ideas of linearity!

Or be like me, and get nosebleeds and dance in the blood of your confusion! MUWHAHAHAHAHA.

The Island jumps and takes with it the remnants of narrative structure holding it in. Or maybe. I don’t know. As a literature major, I sort of want to argue with myself about this. I mean, clearly there is a structure, it is just not a linear one. Or maybe it’s a linear one, but perhaps that straight line appears non-linear, because of the times it weaves through. Or is non-linearity just an illusion, and…Alright, I just had the hugest moment of deja vu typing this, and I’m wondering if the donkey wheel is off its fucking axis.

But poof! The Island disappears! And it suffers a fate onto the writing of the show other than really taking away any constraints for what the writers can do. It also allows the Island to jump around in time, showing characters as we have never seen them, as well as giving us glimpses into what the Island looked like before. We get to see Taweret in her entirety, we get to see Alpert looking all gorgeous and brooding in the past. Never aging. Eternally smoldering with immortal importance and knowledge.

Anyways.

And so the Island moves in time-space-something, I don’t know I’m not a physicist, but Ben also jumps onto the Tunisia desert. And apparently, that jump gifts him with powers of kicking ass. I mean, I love Ben, but all of a sudden he’s in the desert and now he’s not a fucking dweeb anymore? Ben go karate-chop-chop! Who the hell knows, maybe they’re in the fucking Matrix. It was awesome.

Ben jumps the Island, plunges the story into more righteous absurdity, and explodes the expectations and conventions the show seemed to be working under. One of those pants-filling moments, of which this show is filled with many.

Ten days.

[Remember That Time On LOST is a daily post running the entire month up until the season premiere of LOST on February 2nd. I’m going to just pick something awesome, noteworthy, or ludicrous about LOST when I wake up that morning, and hopefully get you geeks talking about it with me.]

Isn’t he dreamy?

[Remember That Time On LOST is a daily post running the entire month up until the season premiere of LOST on February 2nd. I’m going to just pick something awesome, noteworthy, or ludicrous about LOST when I wake up that morning, and hopefully get you geeks talking about it with me.]

[I tried to do a solid to all of those who haven’t seen LOST yet in my title today. As an aside: Watch LOST, you schmucks.]

When Michael shot Ana Lucia, I could literally feel my asshole unclenching and fluids beginning to leak out. When he then spun around and shot Libby, my mouth opened and I couldn’t believe what had just happened. It was one of those moments when you praise writers for having serious balls. And I also resented them for significantly bumming me out. Hugo’s date with Libby was interrupted by gunshot wounds, and as the blood spilled out and the episode ends, you’re left there trying to comprehend what the fuck just happened.

The entire episode is excellent, and it is wrapped around the push and pull of relationships between children and their parents. There are several threads running through the episode with this theme. We have Christian Shephard, running from his confrontation with Jack. We have Ana Lucia, deserting her mother, incapable of facing a parent and the shame they have for letting them down. And we have Michael, who in a desperate move to save his son sells his soul to the devil. Or at least Benjamin Linus, who seems close enough to El Diablo for me.

At the forefront of this episode is Ana Lucia and Christian Shephard, and their inability to deal with their mother and son respectively. While Lucia has fled her mother from guilt, Shephard’s storyline is an inversion, and he can’t deal with the shame he feels for firing Jack, despite his son’s correct condemnation of his lifestyle. And what is most telling is that both of these characters are ultimately condemned to death for their inability to change their ways.

We got Christian Shephard straight chillin’ in Australia, trying to see his daughter, who just so happens to be Claire. Having fled both sobriety and his family out of guilt, he seems to want to make it up through a proxy, his illegitimate daughter. Who may or may not be carrying some sort of Satan-spawn to term. The dude rolls up in the middle of the night, banging on the door completely shit-faced. I’m not sure what continent this is a good tactic on, but just like in North America, the dude gets shoved out the door by Claire’s aggravated mother.

What I’m wondering is, where was the koala bear? Aren’t they standard protocol for individual protection?

Shephard takes this shit hard like woah, and eventually spirals into his drinking binge that will kill him. There’s a moment, a CROSSROADS if you will, where he could have saved himself. Lucia is all like, Christian, don’t go into that bar and get hammered again. You’re just hiding from your troubles and you smell like piss and vodka. And instead of confronting his baggage, he turns to her and comments, I SAY TO THEE NAY. Except he didn’t say that, because he isn’t Thor. Unfortunately.

Actually, who the fuck knows, this is LOST.

Then there’s Ana Lucia. She was suffering some serious shit over the fact that she totally PEW PEW‘D some guy who tried to kill her when she was a cop. Dude was rigor mortis, and instead of dealing with the guilt she had over her Mom knowing she totally ventilated a guy with her bullets, she fled. Physically and emotionally. Totally deep, man. She takes off to Australia with her buddy Christian “I’ll Be Walking As A Ghost Soon” Shephard.

You think Ana Lucia is going to do a solid, and right her ways. I mean, she sees what a clusterfuck Christian is for not dealing with his problems. She’s getting ready to return to LA with him, save for the fact that he’s encased in pine. So she calls up Moms Lucia and is like “Yo, I fucked up, let’s be friends again and watch The Fast and the Furious”, and her Mom is like “Solid, let’s do it. I’ll bring the popcorn, extra butter, I know. Love you!, ttyl.”

But then! Then the fucking plane crashes. You knew that already.

Ana fucks up and is sentenced to death when she fails to move beyond her desire for vengence. You think she’s done gone and been good when she can’t bring herself to kill Benjamin. I was like, hey personal growth! Well played, girl. Did I mention I think you’re so sexy with your curly hair? And I dig how strong you are and how you can probably take me in a fight, pin me down, and then take advantage of me.

But instead, she gives the gun to Michael. And we know how it goes from there! Blam, blam! Everyone thinks you died because you got a DUI in real life Ana Lucia, but at least your death fits thematically! Blam, blam! Ana Lucia’s death stems from her own ability to move past her faults. Which is a decent message, but it means I’m totally fucked. I can’t stop swearing, passing gas in public, and overeating. I wonder what sort of death I’ll have on LOST.

It’s interesting though, since Ana Lucia does resolve her parental issues. If the plane had just landed, maybe she wouldn’t have regressed into a vengeful chick. Who knows.

And then there’s Michael. Unlike Christian who can’t face his son, and Ana who can’t face her Mom, dude just wants his fucking kid back. Snagged by the Others, who appear to be pederasts or harvesters of uber-children like Walt, he is on a one-man machine to get Walt back. Maybe he’s trying to make up for the fact that he’s been an absentee Dad and shit. Or maybe he saw Taken – don’t give me that it wasn’t out yet, we’re time-traveling hurr on the Island – and was really inspired by Qui-Gon’s performance. Cutting a deal with the Devil, he blows away Ana Lucia, after her gluttony for vengeance gifts him the gun, and releases good ole Benjamin from captivity.

If Christian and Ana could be condemned for fleeing from their problems, Michael seems to be battering into them with a head full of steam, fuck the consequences. I’d call the killing in cold blood, but Pepsibones disagrees, and we had a conversation that went something like this:

Me: I’m Michael, blam blam! I kill you in cold blood

Bones: It wasn’t cold blood

Me: Sure it was, he killed her

Bones: But it wasn’t in cold blood, he had a reason

Me: It was cold blood!

Bones: What’s “in cold blood”?

Me: Whatever he did! So there!

Bones: No, no, no

Me: Christ, you’re going to kill me in cold blood, and be like, “I did it for your Uncanny X-Men collection”

Cold blood or not, it was jaw-dropping, and it finished an episode which explored the relationships between children and their parents, and once again called on the LOST coda of people serving their punishment for an inability to face and conquer their own flaws.