The XBOX 360’s USB Storage Update arrived today. Fucking yawn. I’m just going to reiterate what I’ve said before about this bullshit:

Via A Previous Rant of Mine

Wait, so you can only use flash drives, or your external hard drives can only be utilized for 16gb of their space? I wonder why.

Hard drives for the 360 are the biggest fucking rip-off going. For $120, you can get a 250gb hard drive. They’re fucking our wallets with thorny cocks. I got a 350gb hard drive for my PS3 for seventy-five dollars. And I’m sure they’re way cheaper now.

How about you douchebags at Microsoft stop raping our wallets and allow us to use the full scope of any external hard drives we may have? ‘Cause I have a 1 TB external hard drive that I paid a hundred bucks for, and that makes a lot more sense to me than getting raped by your proprietary bullshit, okay? I love your system, I already bought the 120gb hard drive like a fucking asshole, I pay for XBOX Live!, c’mon, do me a solid.

Seriously. I love my XBOX. I’m actually an XBOX fanboy. And yet, if you guys want to keep up with the PS3, dudes, you might want to go ahead and change a few things. Since you already don’t offer Blu-Ray, you may want to cut the proprietary bullshit.

Fucks.

Microsoft announced that they’re going to add support for USB flashdrives! Hey, that’s fucking fantastic! No, not really. My PS3 allowed me to do that like nineteen years ago. How about you let us use fucking external drives.

Via Kotaku

Starting April 6 Xbox 360 owners will be able to use USB flash drives to store profiles, game saves, demos and “more”, Microsoft confirmed this morning.Posting on his blog, Xbox Live’s Larry Hryb said that the company has been testing the feature for a few weeks and that he thinks it’s is “great.” A system updating hitting April 6 will allow us all to see just how great it is. The update will support flash drives that are 1 GB to to 16 GB in size. While USB hard drives “may work”, he adds, you will still only be able to use 16 GB of the drives spaces.

Wait, so you can only use flash drives, or your external hard drives can only be utilized for 16gb of their space? I wonder why.

Hard drives for the 360 are the biggest fucking rip-off going. For $120, you can get a 250gb hard drive. They’re fucking our wallets with thorny cocks. I got a 350gb hard drive for my PS3 for seventy-five dollars. And I’m sure they’re way cheaper now.

How about you douchebags at Microsoft stop raping our wallets and allow us to use the full scope of any external hard drives we may have? ‘Cause I have a 1 TB external hard drive that I paid a hundred bucks for, and that makes a lot more sense to me than getting raped by your proprietary bullshit, okay? I love your system, I already bought the 120gb hard drive like a fucking asshole, I pay for XBOX Live!, c’mon, do me a solid.

Oh you go ahead and brood, John Shepard. I’ve read what sort of shit becomes of you in the opening stages of Mass Effect 2. And thankfully, I’m going to be rocking out with you soon enough. How have you been since our last encounter? I’ve been seeing Mass Effect 2 commercials, and even though they suck, they’ve been whipping me up into a froth.

One fucking week until Mass Effect 2 comes out. Sludging through the original game again has got me excited, and not just for the story but also for the improvements. Like a lot of shit in life, including that chick you hooked up with in a drunken fury, Mass Effect pales significantly when you see her for a second time. Or a third time. But you keep lovin’ her, ’cause she got something special about her.

…Yeah, I have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about anymore.

I’m on a Diet Mountain Dew binge, writing up a fucking storm and hoping to get a chance to cap my characters in the first Mass Effect. There’s a sexy list of bonuses you get for importing that shit. I’m currently level 56, six days to go. Lords of Caffeine and Insomnia, don’t fail me now.

Bayonetta’s coming out on my birthday. Bayonetta’s coming out with a special edition. Bayonetta’s coming out on my birthday. Friends, family, brother, parents, girlfriend, thinly-tethered acquaintences, please, please, please, I’m not begging. But chip in and buy this collector’s edition for me for the 360. The picture displays the PS3 edition, but I assume it’ll get some Micro-love as well:

Via Destructoid:

The Bayonetta special edition will contain a soundtrack disc and a hardcover art book, all wrapped up in a spiffy slipcase. So far it’s been announced for the UK, Spain, France and Australia, and will release alongside a standard edition on January 8. Sega of America has not announced anything regarding a US special edition, but it’s safe to assume that such an announcement is likely.

Insert dreamy sigh.

Oh shit, chocobos have turned thirteen. And just like a teenager, chocobos have grown fucking huge, and sport amazing, cheesy mohawks. I fucking dig their new look. They’re goddamn enormous, they dwarf the baddies seen in this scan, and they cum in their pants while they sleep. I may have made that last part up. They actually cum in the hay in the barns they sleep in. Click the picture for the entire scan.

Ah, to write continuously without thinking much about the words you’re puking onto the inter-pagez. Occasionally you contradict yourself. A lot. I like to pretend that I’m not a slut for pre-order swag, or collector’s editions. But then one of my cum magnets – you know, movies, video games, or books that draws the semen from my penis like venom from a wound – shows me their super ballin’ fresh fly collector’s edition. And I jizm. Behold the MASS EFFECT 2 SUPAR COLLECTOR’S EDITION.

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Further proof that Japan is awesome? This fucking marketing scheme:

Via Kotaku:

With the game days away from release in Japan, the SEGA Bayonetta marketing blitz continues. The latest are large posters in Shinjuku Station’s with fliers than can be pulled off.

Giant ass posters out in the public, that encourage people to yank off Bayonetta fliers to reveal the babe underneath? This is fucking brilliant. Especially when it yields this:

Seriously. I don’t really have any other words. How ridiculously fucking awesome is this? I need to create a Bayonetta category, because really all I want to talk about is this game. And her. Oh sweet her. Listen, it’s not like I’m obsessed with her. But I’d dump Too Good For Me Girlfriend in a second for her. Just kidding baby. Wink, wink.

This is the dopest shit I’ve heard in a long time. I remember reading on Kotaku a couple of weeks ago that Mikey Neumann, the creative director behind Borderlands, promised to hook gamers up. His deal was that if you preordered Borderlands on a particular day, he’d play the game with you and give you epic loots.

Then there was a bunch of hoopla about whether or not he was serious.

Turns out, he fucking was.

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Bayonetta is going to be one of those things that I’m not going to stop talking about until I play it. Every week seems to bring another god damn revelation that pushes me towards the brink of both human, and gamer climax. Last week it was a Japanese commercial that featured “Nonstop Climax Action” and a Bayonetta sucking a lollipop. This week? Bayonetta butt cheeks. Butt cheeks are awesome. Seriously. Male and female bums are cool, and the cheeks are a big part of the hotness.

Well, apparently a demo for Bayonetta is out, and it features her and her butt cheeks. Why, you ask? Tell them, Destructoid!

Bayonetta’s magical hair wraps around her body and acts like clothing. The hair is also used in a variety of attacks, able to form fists, boots and huge monsters. The beauty of this system is that every time Bayonetta pulls off a combo, she loses her clothes. The more impressive the move, the more naked she gets. It’s genius on a fiendish level.

Let me break it down for you guys. This is fucking phenomenal.

1. The more ass you kick
2. The more ass you see

This is brilliance.

One of the smartest things that Square did back in the day was bundle hot-ass demos for a Final Fantasy game with some other title you were never going to play. It was enough for me to buy both Tobal No. 1 and Brave Fencer. They were both pretty sweet, but I would have never touched them otherwise.

Well, EA seems pretty smart. Them or Bioware. Because bundled in with a new copy of BioWare’s upcoming Dragon Age Origins is a sweet piece of armor. That you can use in the forthcoming Mass Effect 2. Listen, I would drink toilet water that has been used by Shepard and crew. So this armor is so, so, so fucking tempting.

I had tried to forget about the fact that they were bundling this sexy armor for ME2 in with Dragon Age, but then BioWare released this video where you see it in action. In Mass Effect 2. Lords of Kobol, give me discipline. Check out the video after the jump.
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