#Welcome To the Future
Amazon introduces ‘AMAZON COINS’, doesn’t realize we all f**king hate virtual currencies.
Oh god damn you, Amazon. Don’t you realize that we hate virtual currencies? Let us pay Imperial credits for objects. That is all we want. We don’t want coins, bucks, Microsoft points, or any of that shit. In short, fuck you.
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Largest solar sail, ‘SUNJAMMER’ setting out into space in 2014. FLY FREE, FRIEND.
All I know about solar sails comes from Arthur C. Clarke, but most importantly – from Count Dookie or whatever from Attack on My Childhood: Episode 99. Motherfucker all flies away after hacking off Emo Hitler’s arm, utilizing some sort of sailing device. Uh. Anyways, we have them as well, I guess. And a massive one is setting out in 2014, probably to hunt down Count Dookie and slay the living shit out of him.
23-year-old dude from Brooklyn releases new chips that mine Bitcoins 50 times faster. THE FUTURE.
If you want to get in on the hot Bitcoin casino action, you’re going to need some of them Bitty-Coinz. There is a new lad on the prowl, making them mining operations sing at a bit of a higher frequency.
Vladimir Putin hires BOYZ II MEN to try and promote RUSSIAN BABY MAKING. I’m srs.
Vladimir Putin is smart. He knows that Russia’s declining birth rates could only be solved through the most austere of measures. That’s right, through the power of Boyz II Men’s melodious tunes upon a concert stage.
Kim Dotcom offering money if you can defeat Mega’s encryption. Get at it!
Kim Dotcom has offered a flourishing bounty of ducats, should someone be capable of defeating his new file-sharing service’s encryption. Now, I don’t really know anything about encryption. I don’t. However, what I do know about is the Internet. And generally I’ve found that where there is an Internet, there is a way.
Scientists have created a working (microscopic) tractor beam. We’ve done it, people!
Science Wizards know us, and our swollen geek glands. They know how to tenderly massage these glands, while whispering things. What do they coo? Many, many sweet nothings. One of my favorite barely audible murmurs that they hang on me is “we’re making it all come true, all come true!”
Bitcoin-funded online casino rocked over $500,000 in profit after six months. Future++
Welcome to the future, people. In the future, people not giving a fuck about governments cracking down on online gambling take their swagger to the Bitcoin casino. And this isn’t some small fry nonsense (though I suppose it is, in a relative sense), with one casino racking up over half a million in profits.
Firefighers take smart-pills that report back data about their health. Future++
Welcome to the future!, where we monitor our firefighters through the tiny computers we make them swallow before gallantly advancing upon burning structures. Awesome.
French ISP ‘ORANGE’ charging Google to send traffic over its network.
Ain’t this a bitch! That French ISP is charging Google to send traffic over its network. Ain’t that a tart blast of citrus to the eyes? Oh man. I don’t know. I really wanted to work in some sort of metaphor there, after promising myself I wouldn’t run on some socialism schtick. Eh. Whatever. Read the fucking post. If you want.
Google: F**k paswords. Let’s use an ID ring. Me: UH OKAY.
Fuck yeah, I want to use an ID ring to log into my kink.com account! Ain’t nothing going to make me feel more balling as I watch grown-ass males get their bottoms whipped by grown-ass females than if I did so through the magic of my own Green Lantern identification ring. This is the future, and I like it.
