#Welcome To the Future
PIRATE BAY’S OLDEST TORRENT isn’t all that amazing.
People find themselves curious about things that I could never imagine being curious about myself. For example, what is the oldest torrent on The Pirate Bay? Shit never would have crossed my mind. That’s okay though, I respect that all people are different. For instance, I spent a good amount of time this afternoon fantasizing about peanut butter-slathered blow jobs. Probably not that common in the grand scheme of things. Let us respect one another, and enjoy this post.
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Google’s mysterious SAME-DAY DELIVERY SERVICE may have snagged Target.
How do you take down Amazon, the Titan of Online Shopping? First, you have to be enormous. Google big. Second, you have to pull off what they have not managed. Same-day delivery. It appears that in order to do so, Google has claimed quite the considerable ally.
WEB-BASED BRAIN for robots goes live. Skynet shudders itself awake.
Oh sweet lord. Thanks to Nick Altonaga for bringing this Harbinger of Doom. There is a web-based brain out there in the clouds out there for robots now. They will access it to upgrade their knowledge, but c’mon. How long before they are using it to plan meetings, and our demise? I say not long.
SEATTLE BAR becomes first join to ban GOOGLE GLASS. No word on fire, or the wheel.
Props to frequent member of the community Cacophonous Kevos for bringing this to my attention. A bar out in Seattle has already banned Google Glass. You know, the AR glasses that aren’t really out in the public yet. Their reasoning works on a certain level, but I can’t get behind it. We need to embrace the disembracement of the flesh-sac! C’mon, folks. Let us transcend this mortal bodies. Or at least be allowed to wear glasses so we can stare at bums on tumblr in our tech-goggles whilst drinking a pint. Right?
Hackers steal over $12,000 worth of BITCOINS from broker Bitinstant. Future heist++
Man, I barely understand Bitcoins. I know that they’re the future, or something. What else could they be, seeing as they are a universal currency that is generated by computer mining, and whose creator may not even be real. So when I read about hackers stealing mad amounts of Bitcoins in a heist, I know the Future has won. The details however, are very fuzzy.
BROWN UNIVERSITY develops wireless remote for CONTROLLING ROBOTS with your brain. Game over, man.
It has been a fair amount of time since we commented on the Robopocalypse. Here we go. Brown fucking University has developed a remote that allows us to control robots with our dome-pieces. C’mon, Skynet. Just hijack that shit. We are asking for it.
Bitcoin value hits all-time high, the Future smiles on us.
The Bitcoin thing doesn’t seem like a fad, yo. The value against the dollar is climbing, and climbing. These days it is worth more than $32 against our Imperial credits. All sorts of science-fiction, post-something-something is occurring. Huzzah!
APPLE hit by same CHINESE HACKERS who attacked Facebook last week. It’s on!
Oh, you know there be some cyber warfare afoot. How do I know? You can riff its pungent scent among the air. It smells like generic tropes of nerdery, including Cheetos-stained fingers, heavy metal music, and most importantly Angelina Jolie. When will I disassociate her and Hackers from actual hacking? Never.
Researches have 3D-printed with human embryonic STEM CELLS. WTF, future.
I wish my girlfriend was around to explain to me how pointless this news article happens to be. She loves nothing more than puncturing the balloons of pseudo-science I enjoy riding to happiness. She ain’t here though, and so I’m going to dig on this! No one shall stop my torrent of science ejaculation!
