#Star Wars

‘EPISODE VII’ NEWS: FIVE ACTORS up for BIG JEDI APPRENTICE ROLE

John Boyega

Apparently there’s an enormous as fuck Jedi apprentice role in the new Warring Stars flick. And said role is now down to five actors.  As a sweaty loser with a Wampa butt plug, I’m going to sweat Episode VII pretty much regardless. Of anything. But there’s one dude on this list that would absolutely fucking break my dick. We’re talking rocketing out of the crotch of my Wicket cosplay and impaling my cat type level of excitement.

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Watch ‘STAR WARS’ characters grooving to ‘HAPPY’ by Pharrell Williams

shake dat shit.

Oh don’t be so cynical. Shake your little mud-hole to the tunes along with the rest of these Star Wars characters. It’s the Sabbath, allow yourself some fun.

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‘EPISODE VII’ NEWS: ‘GIRLS’ actor ADAM DRIVER is all THE VADER-LIKE VILLAIN and such

Adam Driver.

Fucking stupid Star Wars. I’m all walking out of fucking work, dong thickened with glee because the day is over, when I read this news on my iPhone. So here I am — sitting in a shitty cafe table on campus — sharing this news. But I can’t help it! It’s The Force, man.

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‘EPISODE VII’ Nonsense: POTENTIAL MILLENNIUM FALCON CONCEPT ART

Millennium Falcon

Let’s call it what it is – nonsense. But even speculating about nonsense gets me jacked+pumped+stoked+ready to stroke when it comes to the new Star Wars. Apparently maybe there is some Millennium Falcon concept art on a picture from the Lucasfilm site.

Hit the jump for the image in question. (It ain’t the image above.)

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First ‘STAR WARS REBELS’ character revealed. COWBOY JEDI WIT PONYTAIL FOR DAYS

Cowboy Guy.

Oh me! Oh my! The first Star Wars Rebels character has been revealed, and he’s your Dad’s Uncle’s lazy 13 year-old son’s idea of cool. Soul patch. Ponytail. Ah, ah, ah, I see.

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‘AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON’ now shooting; ‘EPISODE VII’ begins in MAY.

hnng.

Combining both of these non-news news reports into one Titanic Machination of Non-News. Why? ‘Cause I cannot wait for 2015. It’s going to have HUGE, HUGE fucking RAMIFICATIONS on my life. No! Not my marriage, you idiots. (Thought that’s happening. 6.6.2015. Write it down, boners.) Instead, two of the biggest movies I’ve ever sweated are dropping.

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‘EPISODE 7’ News: Gary Oldman and Zac Efron admit they’ve had meetings

Gary Oldman.

Real deal Holyfield: I think I may have a crush on Zac Efron. Such hot. So tan. Double real deal Holyfield: I definitely have a crush on James Gordon. These two studs have apparently had meetings pertaining to All Your Midi-chlorians Belong to Disney: Episode 7, and I’m thinking that’s pretty rad.

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Boner Rumor: PIXAR making ‘STAR WARS’ movie.

Omega Level goes Fan Expo.

Sorry, sorry. So much Star Wars. I get it. We only cover Star Wars and Marvel. I’ll fall on my fucking lightsaber later. For now let’s contemplate a Pixar-powered Star Wars movie. Here, I’ll pop off my pants first. Air out the rapidly swelling pink bits. You can follow suit if you see fit.

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‘EPISODE VII’ News: Ford, Fisher, and Hamill due on set THIS SPRING.

Star Wars.

Zounds! It’s really happening. Really, really happening. And I can’t help it, I’m torqued. Carrie Fisher says Hamill, Ford, and she will be on set soon. On fucking set. Ignite lightsaber. Watch your eyes.

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Monday Morning Commute: A Most Glorious Death.

A Most Glorious Death“Oh, I can’t possibly imagine that you’d consort with pigs,” chided Thelma the Bartender as she brought over two bottles and two shot glasses.

Over the months that saw Absalom writing at this bar, he’d grown fond of Thelma. She was busty and acerbic and two tax brackets below most of the clientele. More importantly, she was most attentive to Absalom, having memorized his preferred drink-sequence.

Serving the public ain’t easy, and doin’ it well is damn-near impossible.

“Thelma, goddess of libation that you are, how many times do I have to warn you against eavesdroppin’? It’s not becomin’ of a woman like you. If you want to experience a life-changin’ conversation, you mustn’t resort to NSA tactics,” Absalom gave a shot-in-the-dark wink that defied his age, “just ask me out to dinner.”

“Oh yes, ‘dinner,’ that lovely euphemism for those too cowardly to just come out ask for it. Sex. Even if it were my greatest desire to bed you – and believe me, it isn’t – I simply wouldn’t be able to go through with it.”

“And why not?”

“Are you serious?” Following Absalom’s implicit instructions, Thelma set down the two shot glasses. One for a formely-respected, now lying-in-the-gutter-but-lookin’-through-the-smog-hopin’-to-see-a-star Writer. The other for a stoned-on-booze-and-slowly-realizin’-that-my-careerist-aspirations-will-never-get-me-high-off-life Intern. Between them, she placed a bottle of bourbon.

And for Absalom, a fresh bottle of Pepsi.

“By the gods, of course I’m serious! Why wouldn’t you bed me?”

“Mr. Fabliaux-”

“It’s Señor Fabliaux, Thelma, and you know it!”

“Whatever! Even if I wanted to sleep with you, I wouldn’t. And the reason? Your ever-deteriorating old-man body couldn’t handle it! Having sex with me would literally kill you.”

“Ah, but it’d be a most glorious death.”

—-

Welcome to the MONDAY MORNING COMMUTE! First, I give ya’ll a bit of fiction to get the mind warmed up! Then, I run through some of the ways I’ll be entertaining myself over the course of the workweek. After I’ve tired myself out, you hit up the comments section and share your strategies for fending off the Beasts of Boredom!

Yes, it’s basically the Spaceship OL way station.

Okay, let’s rock!

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