Confirmed! The Force Awakens is getting itself a fucking trailer this fucking week in fucking theaters. Rendar and I might live through the entire trailer. Or our hearts may give out. Our dicks break. Our juices exhaust themselves. Either way. A valiant death or a wonderful life. This news piggy backs on the rumor I covered yesterday — that the sumbitch is dropping next week in 100 theaters, running before every showing of every flick.

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Man. Yesterday Slashfilm reported that The Force Awakens wouldn’t get a trailer before The Hobbit: Battle of Blah Armies. The report said that Disney was thinking “much bigger” than that. But if this rumor is true? Holy shit. Apparently next weekend the film is going to show before every single showing of every single movie in 100 theaters.

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Here’s some fucking Star Wars: The Force Awakens non-news. John Williams has officially recorded music for Episode VII‘s teaser trailer. Doesn’t do anything for you? It’s like those chaps Fall Out Guys said in that one song: I don’t care if you don’t care ’cause Pete Wendy’s dick.  And if you didn’t think this excites me, I have the crapped-pants and the remnants of the wall I ran through to prove it.

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Oh word? Say it ain’t obviously so? Remember last month when I posted an article with the elegant title, No Sh*t Rumor: Obi-Wan getting standalone ‘Star Wars’ flick? Well here’s the sequel. Double No Sh*t. Hopefully surprising no one, it turns out that Old Ben will be getting more than one movie.

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Cliff Chiang produced a gorgeous poster back in the day. Before Star Wars Lived Again. Now said poster is being employed around STAR WARS FILMING CENTRAL HUB to remind motherfuckers to stop leaking EVERY GODDAMN THING.

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Yesterday the valves on the S.S. Star Wars once again leaked concept art deep into the sea of pop culture. Quickly dispersing potential concept art featuring both new stormtrooper designs and a potential lightsaber duel across the Inter-Nets. I mean we sort of figured there would be a lightsaber duel in a Star Wars movie, but the art is all sorts of spoilerish. So if you’re a Spoiler Slut like me, check out the goodies post-break.

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Jar Jar Abrams and Baddie Robotz have revealed the first official video glimpse of the Millennium Falcon from Episode VII. And as a little bonus, there’s a cameo from the fuckin’ Batmobile. It’s the latest batch of glad-handing and mutual masturbation between Snyder, Abrams, and their mutual mega-movies.

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I don’t know why, but I’m just going to call him Jar Jar Abrams until he proves himself otherwise. Do I think he will? YES. Is that going to get in the way of me calling him such until the first trailer comes out and BLOWS OFF MY TITS? NO. Said Jar Jar has added one of his total BFFs to the cast of Episode VII.

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If you watch Game of Thrones and you weren’t totally swooning over Syrio Forel — stop fucking lying. J.J. Abrams seems intent on stacking the cast for Episode VII with a bevy of my bitties. And the latest to join the cast is Miltos Yerolemou, who plays the aforementioned awesome swordsman.

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I promised myself I wouldn’t fucking tease release dates in headlines anymore, but Star Wars Rebels is a bit more complicated than usual. It’s debuting across a fucking application,  a website, and a TV station. All on different dates! So sorry, yo. Ain’t like the extra click is getting me any money. (Ain’t like anything is getting me any money.)

But deets and a pretty awesome Star Wars: Rebels short after the break.

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