[photo by x-ray delta one]

Oh how the time flies! Look, there it goes again! Lord Linear has jumped into his One-Way Rider and just keeps cruisin’ along, never deviating or allowing for honest reflection! BLAST! If only some time-hoppin’ bandit, a charming rogue with a proclivity for anachronism, could save us! If only…

Welcome, my babies, to the Monday Morning Commute! This is the spot where we share our plans for the week – not the shackles of Work/Eat/Sleep/Repeat, but the open fields of pop culture and entertainment to which we’ll flee. First I’ll let you traverse my caffeine-addled mindscape, and then you hit up the comments and grant me access to those neurons of yours that still fire.

Let’s do this.

–-

Rockin’ / BTBAM – Specular Reflection (Teaser)

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BORED AS FUCK WITH YOUR LONGTERM COMMITMENT? DO YOU HAVE FRIENDS WHO WANT YOUR WIFE OR HUSBAND’S HOLES? You’re in lucky, plucky naughty people. Nintendo’s Wii is getting a motherfuckin’ thinly veiled orgy igniter in the form of the game “We Dare.” As they say in the Southwest Airlines commercials, “Grab your boobs and cocks, it’s on!”

Let’s look a bit more in-depth as this Sure To Be Marriage Destroyer.

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Billy Mitchell may not be the literal king of Donkey Kong anymore. But that doesn’t stop the enterprising motherfucker from cashing in on the flick that made him the biggest douchebag awesometron Vader motherfucker in the video game world. No sir. Mitchell has opened a King of Kong-themed arcade at the Orlando International Airport. Most amazing part of the entire arcade? According to Joystiq, “there’s not a Donkey Kong arcade machine to be found within the joint.”

As they pontificate, he probably doesn’t want his already-crushed record to once again be usurped within the confines of his own establishment.

Mitchell is awesome. This is only further proof.

[The following is a true piece of fiction]

My friend Brad is a strange guy. To say the least. You can tell him apart from the rest of the pack because of his occasional vacations to the psych farm and his penchant for wearing sweatpants in the summer. Also, I can’t recall a time in which we hung out and he didn’t carry around a two-liter bottle of Dr. Pepper.   Hell, he’d always offer those present the chance to take a swig, but with the way he slobbers you’d have to be an idiot to oblige.

Anyways, my friend distinguished himself yet again last week as we were hanging out at Chuck E. Cheese. See, Brad’s actually quite well-off because he inherited his uncle’s entire fortune. Uncle Tommy made his money in 1980’s pornography and 1990’s cocaine, and Brad was the only family member who’d give him the time of day. Whereas most of the relatives scorned Tommy for his professional choices, Brad didn’t have any problems with coke snortin’ whores. So when Tommy croaked, Brad became a millionaire. Feeling as though accepting his uncle’s inheritance would cheapen their relationship, Brad has vowed to donate $1,000 once a week.

So every Thursday, Brad and I go to a Chuck E. Cheese with two hundred five-dollar bills. Once there, we wade through the ball pit and deposit the cash at the bottom. We then sit back and watch as the money is discovered. Some weeks it takes hours for all the cash to leave, each paper-archaeologist keeping mum about their findings. Other weeks, well…let’s just say that we’ve seen more than a few fist fights break out.

It’s glorious.

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There’s thirty-three dudes stuck down in the middle of the Earth for a couple of months. Stuck down there in the miserable darkness with one another, not sure when they’re going to get out. Of course these men have some requests. And of course these requests consist of drugs, sex dolls, and porn. You’re stuck down there for months, you need to actualize some basic needs, right? With plastic dolls!

Thankfully, these requests were met. For the most part. While the drugs and the porn was smuggled down to these poor dudes, the request for sex dolls was denied. Why? Well apparently they could only drudge up ten sex dolls, and we know how men handle sharing women. For all our bluster, we’re a jealous sort. The doc denied “the men’s request for sex dolls …because [he] was afraid jealousy could spread after only 10, rather than 33, dolls were found.”

How the fuck can only ten sex dolls be found? These men are trapped! Goodness gracious.

What I don’t get is why they just throw their typical definition of heterosexual tendencies to the wind. Right? I’m not up to speed on Chilean definitions of heterosexual normativity, but clearly there must be escape clauses for when you’re trapped underground for months. I mean, we exempt everyone when it comes to the army barracks or prison around here in the Empire. I’m sure we’d float the pass when it comes to being stuck in a mine.

All the guys are already tripping on drugs and hammering out loads next to one another, why didn’t they just lend an orifice or two?

Just saying.

Via.

GeoHot wasn’t comfortable just outing the PS3’s root key, and getting sued by Sony. No sir. On top of that, the awkward motherfucker has gone and cut a diss track and posted the video on the internet. I have to appreciate his stupidity/balls. If I was getting sued by a major corporation, I wouldn’t be spitting white boy rhymes about them for the internet to see.

Hit the jump for some  Caucasian  flow.

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This spoof is a combination of rock previously though unfathomable. Vampire bullshit is reimagined as Twilight For Guys, which of course features lesbians in underwear making out. I hope I just sold the majority on watching this video.

Some of the stock “reaction” footage from the movie is hilarious, featuring lines like “It is the best acted movie since Reindeer games.”

Amazing. Hit the jump for lesbians. Oh, and a spoof.

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Forget farming for gold in World of  Warcraft to transmute online currency into real-time bucks, this dude has it figured out. Ashley Mitchell took on the Gaming Gods and won. Sort of. Momentarily. Mitchell became my hero when he hacked “into a Zynga server, running  popular online card game Zynga Poker” and stole    400 fucking billion of their online betting chips. This man is all sac. The official worth of these chips? A cool $12 million dollars.

Outside of the techno-realm, the worth of these chips is considerably reduced to $300,000. But still, $300,000 is a lot of god damn money. Unfortunately for Mitchell, the dude could only offload a third of those chips, and so it seems he’s going to jail having only been able to parlay his insane Kessel Run into $100,000. Still though. Guy’s awesome.

This is the best thing the Brothers Omega have seen in a long time. Props to my friend Charlie for bring it to my attention. What is this clip exactly?

The Osirian Portal of CZW are clearly the best tag team in years. In the middle of the match, they use some sort of ancient voodoo hypnosis to put everyone under their spell. What follows is simply the greatest thing ever. A fucking breakdancing competition starts. Everyone begins cutting a rug, from the Osirians themselves, to some random fat dude who is probably an amazing and integral part of their promotion.

This is fucking wrestling.

Forget all the homoerotic bullshit of today’s wrestling. What I miss is the homoerotic bullshit of yesteryear’s wrestling. When the characters were fucking characters. Madness! Absurdity! Undead people!  Pharaohs! That’s the sort of shit I’m looking for. Hypnosis and breakdancing and reincarnations of Rerun? If mainstream wrestling was like this, I’d watch it every fucking week. Every. Fucking. Week.

WWE and whatever, stop trying to legitimize wrestling in the wake of MMA. Take it back to this shit. This glory.

Hit the jump to have your mind blown.

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PETA’s making waves with their banned Super Bowl advertisement. It’s a bunch of chicks like, licking eggplants and getting sexy with cucumbers and lettuce and shit. Normally, I’m a retarded horn dog. I’ll cop to that. For some reason though, PETA fucking annoys me. They can be all about loving animals and not wanting me to eat my fucking KFC QUASI-MEAT, right? Cause that’s terrible. But they have no problem objectifying women in this commercial.

Just chicks, licking and rubbing and acting sensually with vegetables. It’s absurd, and hilarious, and stupid. I’m generally of the mindset that everyone is always objectifying everything. It’s just how it goes. There’s probably a huge philosophical explanation I could put behind this, but I’m too lazy. Just read some Althusser and he’ll explain it better than me. I just find it amusing that an organization that dedicates so much time to protecting animals doesn’t mind using tired and what some would call exploitative cultural tropes to do so.

Check out the video after the break.

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