#Slop Culture
Two Dudes Reenact ‘Weekend At Bernie’s’ In Real Life. Tremendous.
Two dudes in Denver found their friend dead in his apartment. They decided to kick it like Bernie’s, bringing him around to strip clubs and bars and the such.
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Cat Scan Reveals 72 Cocaine Capsules In One Stomach. Drug Trafficking Is X-Treme.
Drug trafficking is fucking hardcore. Have you ever wondered what it looks like to stuff 72 cocaine capsules into your stomach and hope for the best? Yeah, me neither. But I have seen it now, and it’s fucking ludicrous.
‘Top Gun’ Being Converted To 3D. Homoerotic Tension You Can Almost FEEL.
If there’s one thing I love about ‘Top Gun’, it’s the film’s ability to get a bunch of sweaty bro-dudes fisting pumping and partaking in what is some of the gayest shit in existence. It’s so sly in its introduction of what is some beautifull defused homoerotic tension that every homophobe in the world is almost ready to rub asses with their repressed unrequited gay crush by the end of it.
Now it’s coming in three-dimensions. It’s only going to be better.
Monday Morning Commute: rocket-burns and moonshine dreams
Welcome to the MONDAY MORNING COMMUTE! This is the feature I use as an excuse to showcase the various debris that’ll be keeping my brain-bone lubricated so as to avoid jamming up at the hands of the workweek. Some Mondays, I write a little story beforehand as a creative writing exercise and preface the post with it. On other Mondays, I start the post by jotting down an amusing anecdote
And then there’re those Mondays when I’m so tired that my eyes are burning and I don’t have any goddamn coffee filters so kickstarting my creativity with a caffeine-defibrillator isn’t an option and all I want to do is pass out and wake up in 2013 so that I can laugh at all those fucking doomsayers and tell them that their apocalypse wasn’t even worth being awake for.
Guess what kind of Monday today is.
Quit’yer dinkin’ around, let’s do this.
Video: Gumby Tries To Rob 7-Eleven, Fails Gloriously.
Some dumb ass in a Gumby costume tried to rob a 7-Eleven in San Diego, and fails outstandingly. Why? The dude couldn’t get into his pockets to retrieve his weapon. Oh Gumby, keep on keepin’ on!
Hit the jump to see this in motion.
Monday Morning Commute: Bears, Wolves, and Ghosts
It’s Labor Day, so hopefully none of you are reading this after having put in a full day’s work. Today is the last HURRAH!, the final chance to high-five Summer before he starts putting his suitcases into the trunk of his car. Don’t worry, he’ll be back next year to regale us with hot-dogs and sunburns and countless hours of molasses-paced baseball. Everything’s going to be all right.
Besides, I can already see Autumn’s car down the road. He’s cruising towards us in a pickup truck full of pumpkins and foliage and warm apple pies. So as long as we stay strong during Summer’s departure, we’ll be fine.
Okay, let’s cut to the chase – this is the Monday Morning Commute, the spot where I show you all of the goodies that’re going to get me through the workweek in one piece. After you check out my wares, hit up the comments and show off your own ennui-destroyers.
Time to dance, beetle-breath.
AMC Greenlights Kevin Smith’s Comic Store Reality Show, ‘Secret Stash’.
Oh AMC, you fucks. You cancel Rubicon after one slow-building but fucking excellent season, and yet you greenlight that Kevin Smith fucking reality show? Will I be watching? Of course I will. I’m a fucking sucker.
Otherwise Good Citizen Arrested For Having Sex With Inflatable Raft. Do What You Gotta.
A good lad who I am certain is typically quite the respectable citizen was recently arrested for having sex with an inflatable raft. In his defense, it was pink. Which means he’d have sex with a polo shirt of mine, and a good portion of my backpack. Still though. A pillar of the community…who has done this kind of stuff before.
Woman Buys Wooden Block In Parking Lot For $180, Thinking It’s An iPad. LOL.
I do most of my bartering with stranger over the prices of the electronics they’re selling in McDonald’s parking lots. It usually goes well, sometimes goes excellently. So I can’t believe this woman who bought what she thought was an iPad from strangers in the same sort of location was actually ripped off. Wut?
Beyonce’s VMAS Pregnancy Reveal Breaks Twitter Records.
Beyonce revealed that she was pregnant Sunday night during MTV’s Celebrity Musicians Masturbating Other Celebrity Musicians Extravaganza. I knew this was enough to send fourteen year-old girls (or those stuck in that emotional state which is another 54% of our pop-culture HIVE MIND) into a tweeting frenzy. What I didn’t expect is that it would crush previous records of tweets. Per second. Per! Second!
