#Slop Culture
OCTOBERFEAST – Brach’s Autumn Mix
[OCTOBERFEAST is the greatest celebration of the year, a revelry dedicated to pop-culture’s most nutritious Halloween detritus. Plastic screams and artificial sweeteners have never been more bountiful. In the old country, villagers refer to the extended party as Satan’s Snacktime]
While Satan’s Snacktime is rooted in traditions of terror, it’s also dedicated to progress. Lookin’ ahead. Celebratin’ the future we call now. As such, the 2011 edition of OCTOBERFEAST will be known as a great revelry of inclusivity. After all, segregation sucks. Even in the candy world.
When autumn hits, all sorts of muthafuggahs be snackin’ on candy corn. And I don’t blame `em, cause that shit is delicious. You’ll never catch me complaining about festively-shaped handfuls of pure sugar. So if it’s candy corn that you include as part of the sacrificial dowry necessary for entrance into the OCTOBERFEAST, you’ll be admitted.
But if you roll up with a couple of bags of Autumn Mix, you’ll be commended by ghouls and ghosts and she-bitches alike.
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OCTOBERFEAST – Paul Bearer
[OCTOBERFEAST is the greatest celebration of the year, a revelry dedicated to pop-culture’s most nutritious Halloween detritus. Plastic screams and artificial sweeteners have never been more bountiful. In the old country, villagers refer to the extended party as Satan’s Snacktime]
Paul Bearer is the most evil man in professional wrestling.
Monday Morning Commute: Dyin’ to Sleep
Come one, come all! Step right up to the original MONDAY MORNING COMMUTE! This is the place where all of you scabby bastards and frothing broads take a peek at what I’ll be doing to get through the workweek. Your task is to then share the activities to which you’ll be dedicating your free time, even if they make your step-mom mumble to herself that you’re doing the Devil’s bizznezz.
Hell, that hoe married your pop for his thickee, so who is she to cast aspersions?
Let’s dance.
Holy Terror! Incendiary. Offensive. Gorgeous.
For the better part of a decade, the comics world has been keeping its eyes on Frank Miller’s Holy Terror. Fans and pundits alike have relentlessly debated the project, needing not even a full page’s glimpse to form an opinion. Which, I suppose, was necessary, seeing as Miller played the hand so close to his chest that news was released only in infrequent snippets.
Occasional whispers of plot. Breathy sighs of editorial tumult. Stifled chuckles of creative insanity.
Lest we not forget that at one time Holy Terror was titled Holy Terror, Batman! The premise was simple: Batman and Catwoman are caught in the midst of a terrorist attack (ala 9/11) and then take it upon themselves to strike back against Al Qaeda. Depending on whose doing the `splaining, Miller’s intention was either to pay homage to classic WWII propaganda comics or simply to vent his anti-Muslim vitriol via the medium he’s helped redefine on multiple occasions.
Of course, DC Comics ain’t in the business of losing business, so Bruce Wayne and Selina Kyle were never given the green light to hunt terrorists. Instead, Miller tells his story by employing The Fixer and the Cat Burglar, analogs probably just different enough to give some peace of mind to the legal department at Legendary Comics (publisher of Holy Terror). So again, it’s The Fixer and Cat Burglar that seek assistance of Dan Donegal (who’s totally not Jim Gordon) to seek revenge.
You might think that Frank Miller prefers using The Fixer so that the Batman purists aren’t offended. But you’d be wrong – dead wrong. In fact, the man’s even said that he hopes this book pisses people off.
Well, yesterday finally saw the release of Holy Terror and I’ve had given it a couple of read-throughs. Now, it’s time to sift through ten years worth of questions posed by both advocates and detractors, to figure out how the story stacks up. Does it trivialize world-issues by painting them in black-and-white terms and solving them with superheroics? Is it artful? Has Frank Miller gone off the deep end? Is it entertaining? Does it fall short of the expectations? Is it worth purchasing?
The answer, to all of the above, is a resounding yes.
Shipping Out to Ziltoidia
Hevy Devy never fails to impress.
Even in the midst of rehearsing for the four-concert stint in which all of the DTP albums will be performed in their entirety, Devin Townsend is taking the time to entertain the fans. Devin’s set up his own Formspring specifically for the purpose of answering the questions of his admirers, knowing full-well the inanity and chaos he’s inviting.
Needless to say, sending Devin a mesage about American Transcendentalism and science fiction was an absolute no-brainer. Of course, I was as giddy as a chicken on Thanksgiving when I actually got a response! And apparently tickets to Ziltoidia do exist!
So, I’ll be shipping out to Ziltoid’s home-world any day now! See y’all muthafuggahs later!
Creator of ‘Doritos’ Has Died, Here’s An Orange-Fingered Salute.
Doritos are fucking delicious. Sure, they stink my breath up for a day and a half. As I vomit-burp up the spices out of my carbonated-ravaged esophagus. Sure they’re three-million calories. Sure they cover my fingers in yet another vile coating of stuff. They’re fantastic. Their creator has died. Let us mourn.
Blockbuster Reveals ‘Movie Pass’, $10/Month Netflix Streaming Competitor.
Netflix has fallen into mud fucking quickly. Shitty pricing plans. Splitting the physical side of the service into the laughably named Qwikster. Perhaps this is the moment Blockbuster has been waiting for, revealing their unambitiously named ‘Movie Pass’ service.
80 Year-Old Lady Arrested For Dealin’ Crack. Again. Gotta Stay On Her Grind.
It’s a rough life, stayin’ on your hustle. Take Ola Mae. 80 year-old crack dealer. This story runs the gauntlet: horrible, hilarious, surreal, absurd, a condemnation of us as a society and how we treat our elderly.
Facebook Getting Hulu Integration, Meet Facehulu. (Didn’t Make That Up.)
Facebook is endeavoring to integrate everything ever into it. The latest application to be swallowed whole and reappropriated within the confines of the Social Network Juggernaut is Hulu. Now you can watch all those episodes of Glee with fellow Gleeks without having to navigate out of your Gleeky chat.
Face of a Franchise: Daredevil
[face of a franchise presents two individuals that’ve fulfilled the same role. your task — choose the better of the two and defend your choice in the rancor pit that is the comments section]
Since his debut in 1964, comics fans (especially those that love to exclaim Make mine Marvel, muthafuckah!!!) have been wowie-zowied by the antics of Daredevi, the man without fear! Despite hitting the scene in a costume ridiculous even by comics standards, Daredevil won over fans by beating all sorts of criminal ass at night while maintaining a successful law practice during the day as Matt Murdock.
Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good.
Also, the guy’s blind. Which makes his feats even more spectacular. I mean, Ray Charles was cool as hell, but I don’t think he’d handle a trampoline half as well as Murdock.
Also tack on the fact that bad-ass writers seem to gravitate towards Daredevil (historically – Frank Miller/recently – Ed Brubaker), and it’s clear why the character is afforded such genuine respect. The mouthbreathin’, anti-social panel-worshippers that I count myself amongst fucking love Daredevil.
Fortunately, the admiration for this Marvel Knight has been truly honored by the two men fearless enough to portray him in live-action.
If for no other reason, 1989 was a wonderful year because it saw the release of The Trial of the Incredible Hulk, a made-for-TV movie continuing the adventure that began in The Incredible Hulk series. Of course, any time that a Marvel character goes on trial, there’s only one man to turn to for help: Attorney Matt Murdock! The hero of Hell’s Kitchen was portrayed by Rex Smith, the only man brave enough to ride the Street Hawk! Although relegated to a supporting role, Smith’s interpretation of Daredevil as a ninjutsu-lookin’ legally-blind lawyer that helps a green gargantuan is simply chilling.
Whereas Rex Smith’s Daredevil is a one-round knockout, Ben Affleck’s portrayal is a twelve-round slugfest. After blowing away audiences with Reindeer Games, Affleck was given his second once-in-a-lifetime role in 2003’s Daredevil. In this dark vision of the Daredevil mythos, Matt Murdock not only has to fight Bullseye, but the entire Green Mile as well! Proving himself to be a world-class thespian, Affleck navigated his way through playground battles with Elektra, Irish guys with facial scars, and a soundtrack that includes both Nickelback and Hoobastank.
A miracle performance. Nothing less.
So who do you think is the superior Daredevil? The dude from the TV-movie that no one remembers or the dude from the movie no one likes?
Rex Smith or Ben Affleck?
