#Slop Culture
OCTOBERFEAST – Gremlins 2
[OCTOBERFEAST is the greatest celebration of the year, a revelry dedicated to pop-culture’s most nutritious Halloween detritus. Plastic screams and artificial sweeteners have never been more bountiful. In the old country, villagers refer to the extended party as Satan’s Snacktime]
It was during the 1984 OCTOBERFEAST that an elderly Chinese bro stumbled into the fairgrounds and changed the celebration forever. Inside the basket this Chinese sage carried with him was a creature called a Mogwai, which was bequeathed unto the OCTOBERFEAST itself. All that the man requested was that three simple rules be followed:
– Never expose it to bright light.
– Never get it wet.
– Never feed it after midnight.
Of course, the revelers were too hammered to understand the dude’s thick Sino-accent, and so the poor Mogwai ended up succumbing to light, water, and midnight snacks. Gremlins ran amok, and much fun was had!
It seemed as though it’d be a once-in-a-lifetime occurrence, and we were confident that we’d never have to worry about Gremlin-invasions again.
Boy, were we wrong.
In1990, the OCTOBERFEAST was once again overrun by Gremlins! Only this time, the creatures were of an entirely new batch, capable of far more charming parodies and subtler urban-warfare tactics. This event, hilarious and terrifying as it was, is now referred to as Gremlins 2 by the history books.
2 Comments »
Medieval Cosplayer Parents Forced Daughter To Wear Armor, Fight Stepfather.
Listen man, don’t fuck around with cosplayers. Especially those of the medieval persuasion. They take their shit seriously. For example: a 16 year-old girl was forced to dress up, don the sacred armor, and fight her stepfather. The parents totally didn’t get arrested or anything.
Right?
Dude Who Sees ‘Drive’ Throws Hot Dog At Tiger Woods. Gosling Inspiration ++
Drive is about a dude taking shit into his own hands. I can’t blame anyone for getting inspired by it. Especially if it inspires someone to jack off to a continuously refreshing Tumblr feed of Ryan Gosling. One good sir was so inspired he gunned a hot dog at lecher and douchebag gazillionaire Tiger Woods.
Aliens Are Inhabiting Christina Aguilera, Axl Rose. It Has Begun.
It has begun. Aliens have begun inhabiting the bodies of celebrities, attempting to infiltrate the media and emit telepathic brainwashing wunder-waves. The only problem? They’ve chosen two washed-up super stars. And their husk-stealing has resulted in some ugly, ugly bloat. I mean, it’s obvious, right?
Hit the jump for proof. But brace yourself.
OCTOBERFEAST – Danzig
[OCTOBERFEAST is the greatest celebration of the year, a revelry dedicated to pop-culture’s most nutritious Halloween detritus. Plastic screams and artificial sweeteners have never been more bountiful. In the old country, villagers refer to the extended party as Satan’s Snacktime]
The malignant hordes have festered upon the campgrounds, sprawling about in a triumphant display of terror. They take killer rips from gasoline tanks teeming with Mountain Dew. They burning effigies of the Kardashians. They feast upon orange-frosted cupcakes and handfuls of roasted pumpkin seeds.
There is no doubt that the OCTOBERFEAST merrymakers are having the times of their lives.
However, total immersion in the immoral leaves the partygoers defenseless! At this point, virtually every one of `em is pumpkin-drunk and fear-fatigued. What should happen if some Donnie Decency stormed the gates, pamphlets about hygiene and righteousness in hand? Well, we could very well see the dark disciples converted, repurposed for existences without surfeits of sugar and regular poltergeist-attacks.
The horror!
Fortunately, there are those who keep careful watch over the OCTOBERFEAST – after all, the success of any evil entity is contingent upon the strength of its sentries. Voldemort has the Death Eaters. Darth Vader has the Stormtroopers.
Not to be outdone, OCTOBERFEAST has its own last line of defense: Etrigan’s Guild. For the safety of the celebration, the identities of this cacodemonic collective’s members are shrouded, revealed only to the perpetrating do-gooders. But in the spirit of Satan’s Snacktime, tonight the captain of the guild is stepping forward, making his presence known to any considering infiltration.
The Captain of Etrigan’s Guild: Glenn Danzig
Sesame Street YouTube Hacked With Porn. Someone Is A Hero.
I’m not a parent. Okay? So I can’t relate. But there’s something amusing – seriously amusing – to me about children seeing things that they either really shouldn’t be seeing, or are aghast and confused by. Like this. Sesame Street’s YouTube was hacked, and some good old fashion porn was thrown onto it.
OCTOBERFEAST – Killer Klowns from Outer Space
[OCTOBERFEAST is the greatest celebration of the year, a revelry dedicated to pop-culture’s most nutritious Halloween detritus. Plastic screams and artificial sweeteners have never been more bountiful. In the old country, villagers refer to the extended party as Satan’s Snacktime]
Ahoy! If you’re reading this, it means that you’ve managed to survive the first half of the OCTOBERFEAST! Congratulations! You are now amongst the ranks of the frightfully faithful, the few capable of gorging on sugary-shock and plastic-paranormal. At this point, most’ve bowed out, deciding that they cannot continue to worship the manifestations of humanity’s darkened heart without causing irrevocable damage to their consciences.
Your reward for not running off into the dim horizon – some chuckles.
See, a major misconception about OCTOBERFEAST is that levity is wholly absent. This, of course, is simply false. Sure, the festival is dedicated to slayings, acts of havoc, and undead armies, but that doesn’t mean we can’t cackle at a few gutbusters! Hell, today’s featured guests are guaranteed to tickle the `ole funny-bone!
`Cause the only folks funnier than clowns are Killer Klowns from Outer Space!
OCTOBERFEAST – Halloween Hazzards!
[OCTOBERFEAST is the greatest celebration of the year, a revelry dedicated to pop-culture’s most nutritious Halloween detritus. Plastic screams and artificial sweeteners have never been more bountiful. In the old country, villagers refer to the extended party as Satan’s Snacktime]
The OCTOBERFEAST is building to its crescendo and all of the participants can’t help but bask in the forbidden glories. As they mash sugar-goodies into their teeth, and rot their libidos with images of vampyric floozies, and cackle after drankin’ one too many pumpkin brews, the celebrants begin downward-spiraling into a dark nirvana. This is exultation and catharsis and jubilation, a doppleganger-Mardi Gras with mountebank intentions.
Yeah, it’s a bit dangerous. But isn’t the risky behavior exciting?
OCTOBERFEAST is a candied spark of excitement. So, of course, it’s always met by a bitter parental figure with an oversized fire blanket.
The priests always swarm our rusted gates, clamoring that they need to be let in so as to thwart our demonic conjurations. Health inspectors try to examine our cauldrons, claiming that we didn’t properly clean the residue left by last year’s eye of newt, toe of frog, wool of bat, or tongue of dog. And the hippies always show up with signs claiming that our failure to use free-range sacrificial lambs makes us irresponsible consumers.
These folks, we can deal with. By ignoring.
But the ones that cannot – nay, must not – be ignored are those that attack Halloween, the pinnacle of OCTOBERFEAST. These worrywarts try to take all of the fun out of Hallow’s Eve by issuing annual reminders of some shit that went down years ago. It’s all been said before, but they hope to instill irrational fears into to any potential newcomers to the holiday. Simply put, the suggestions are tired and silly.
Yeah, we know – don’t wrap up children as toilet-paper mummies and then ask them to help you rearrange the candles! If Molesty Jim is your next-door neighbor, maybe don’t let the kids walk through his “haunted basement” unattended! Syringes sticking out of those caramel apples? Just toss `em in the barrel.
But alas, the warnings persist. Fortunately, most of the well-worn words of caution come in the form of homemade videos and public access public service announcements. So if we must listen to the enemy’s paranoid advice, at least we can chuckle and chuckle and chuckle.
Cue the OCTOBERFEAST projector, Brucie! We’re going to show our malignant ticket-holders just what the detractors have to say! These are the arguments against our very way of life!
OCTOBERFEAST – Reign in Blood
[OCTOBERFEAST is the greatest celebration of the year, a revelry dedicated to pop-culture’s most nutritious Halloween detritus. Plastic screams and artificial sweeteners have never been more bountiful. In the old country, villagers refer to the extended party as Satan’s Snacktime]
The OCTOBERFEAST rages on, undaunted by those protesters standing outside of the gates. With their self-assured smirks, those do-gooders standby with band-aids and pamphlets about PTSD and bottles of the always-refreshing Gatorade. Who the hell do they think they are? Don’t they realize that the proselytes of popular-horror can’t be dissuaded? And even if conversion were possible at some point, it certainly wouldn’t be on this date.
For October 7th is an especially important day in the OCTOBERFEAST cycle. After all, it was twenty-five years ago today that a portal to Hell was activated, granting a diabolical musical-daemon safe passage to Earth. Although this malignant spirit only appears in thirty-five minute bursts, the terror he instills last a lifetime. If you ever crossed paths with this October-beast, you’ll never forget the experience.
Today, OCTOBERFEAST proudly serves as Earthrealm-host to Slayer’s Reign in Blood.
Video: Portal + Apple = GLaDOSiri, Your Personal Assistant of Doom.
Check out GLaDOSiri, the logical extension of Apple’s new personal assistant. Allow it to help you. Submit.
