#Slop Culture
Mountain Dew Causes Infertility, But Makes You Flame Proof? Fair Trade ++
Talk about one in the fair trade department. Remember all those warnings back in the day about how Mountain Dew kills sperm? Yeah, me too. Didn’t stop me, and I’ve since gone on to replace 90% of my body’s blood with the substance. What I didn’t know, and hasn’t been revealed today is that it has made me flame proof. Flame proof! Sort of. I’m about to become a Darwin award.
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Televised Days of Christmas: Christmas Comes But Once a Year
[Is there a better way to celebrate the manger-birth of a superpowered messiah-baby than watching television? Hell no! Join Rendar Frankenstein as he navigates Spaceship OL through the Televised Days of Christmas!]
There is something to be said of the idea that human beings need excuses to party.
Think about it – holidays have been celebrated since the advent of the human species. While the pretenses and customs vary from tribe to tribe, most cultures have set aside days specifically for the purpose of cutting loose. Work is momentarily forfeited, and individuals are encouraged to engage in social events so that they can relax, enjoy the kinship of their peers, and contemplate concepts that transcend the corporeal.
It’s basically psychic catharsis.
Again, such is the necessity for relaxation that it has been prescribed by multitudes of societies. Anyone doubting this need only consider the confluence of December-holidays: pagans honor the winter solstice, Christians eagerly anticipate Christmas, Jewish folk rock Hanukkah, and of course the saturnalian Romans go bananas for Saturnalia. These holidays are different, for sure, but the common thread is that all celebrants look forward to shirking responsibilities and spending time with loved ones.
For many, the holiday season serves as the canvas upon which some of life’s most cherished memories are painted.
But what about those individuals who, for one reason or another, are without their families during the holidays? How would you feel if in the time between one Christmas and the next, you divorced your spouse and could no longer see your kids on a daily basis? What if you didn’t want to burden friends with your grievances? In what ways would this alter your attitude about the most wonderful time of the year?
If you’re Don Draper it means that you take a swig of booze, bang your secretary, and woefully declare, “I don’t hate Christmas, I just hate this Christmas.”
Monday Morning Commute: Stay on Target
After I punch out on December 23rd, I’m going to have the luxury of not returning to work for ten days. By my calculations, that’s nearly a week and a half. Do you know many comics will be read, movies watched, beers imbibed, and high-fives delivered in that time? Certainly enough to keep my face smile-plastered and spirit sky-bound.
Needless to say, I’m champing at the bit.
But alas, I must first survive a treacherous two-week stint of work. Additionally, these workweeks happen to fall on the end of the month, which is always the most hectic time around the `ole office. Tack on the various projects I’ve undertaken, and I’m bound to be one busy little prole-monkey rummaging about the engine room of Spaceship Earth’s compartment of Consumer-Cultures.
Fortunately, the Omnidimensional Creator has been kind enough to allow me to guide you through the MONDAY MORNING COMMUTE! Join me as I display the various bits of art and mind-rot I’ll be using to prevent a total mental meltdown. After you feast your eyes on what I’ll be entertaining myself with, hit up the comments section and share your ideas of a fun time.
Okay, hide the women and children — it’s time to summon the Entertainment Daemons!
Televised Days of Christmas: Christmas Is Where the Heart Is
[Is there a better way to celebrate the manger-birth of a superpowered messiah-baby than watching television? Hell no! Join Rendar Frankenstein as he navigates Spaceship OL through the Televised Days of Christmas!]
It wasn’t so long ago that nerds were persecuted.
Comic books were reading material for basement-dwelling losers, not source material for Hollywood blockbusters. Television’s scientific community consisted of children’s entertainers like Mr. Wizard and Bill Nye, not prime-time warriors like Leonard and Sheldon. Glasses were for the vision impaired, not the svelte-as-fuck.
Needless to say, these were dark days for all nerds.
But there is something to be said for those who can survive in the face of relentless persecution. Despite being spat upon, these individuals have the spiritual fortitude to take a stand, championing causes that’re unpopular but virtuous. They resist the temptation to cave into the herd mentality, and sometimes they even manage to help others in the process.
Family Matters‘ Steve Urkel is one such hero.
And perhaps the most festive of his heroic deeds can be found in Christmas Is Where the Heart Is.
Video: Russian ‘Burger King’ Hip Hop Madness.
A minute-something Burger King ad from Russia featuring absurd imagery and hip hop. I have a feeling if I understood Russia it would only make a bit more sense. I am in love.
Video: Slayer Christmas Lights? Jesus Weeps! Blood!
Yo fuck all those other houses with their synchronized lights to that song by that Transsexual Siberian Husky band. This is the Truth. Illuminated and made obvious to true believers.
Slayer. Christmas lights show.
Monday Morning Commute: Never Tell Me the Odds.
I’m tired and cranky and hungry. The pile of work on my desk is increasing at an exponential rate. My gums are bleeding. How’s my breathing? Belabored. All I want to do is lay down for the night and wake up tomorrow. Know what I can’t do until I finish about seven different projects? Lay down for the night and wake up tomorrow.
Goddamn do I hate Mondays.
But I’d be a liar to imply that I don’t have a soft spot for the MONDAY MORNING COMMUTE, OL‘s weekly show-and-tell feature. Here’s how it works: I’m going to give you a guided tour of my demented mind, steering you away from the Freudian nightmares and towards the entertainment wet-dreams. After scoping out the monsters lurking in my brain-bone, it’s your duty to hit up the comments section and show off the wares you’ll be using to survive the workweek.
C’mon, you think we’re afraid of the 9-5? You think we can’t survive the daily grind? Bring it on! FLAME ON!
Video: Batman Lurks On Gordon In The Shower. And Bedroom.
Now that I think of it, Batman’s pretty douchey when it comes to his relationship with Gordon. Dude just disappears in the middle of a conversation. Assumptive ass, thinking Jimmy can’t add anything. Not to mention how weird it is, which is something that this SNL Digital Short picks up on. Good shit.
Hit the jump to check it out.
‘Breaking Bad’ Happens In Real Life. Oh, Reality <3
Listen man, the economy is in the dumps. Gotta make the cheddar anyway you can. So a professor of mathematics in my home state went full Breaking Bad on this Bitch.
Trailer: Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie’s Red Band Glory.
Tim and Eric isn’t for everyone. However, it is for me. As someone who exists with serious emotional chasms of horror and a taste of the absurd, I flock to their madness. Call it their Siren Song. The trailer for their upcoming movie? Had me giggling to myself, petting my stuffed ferret who was happily sitting on my naked thighs.
Hit the jump to check it out.
