#Slop Culture
Monday Morning Commute: ex-hoes’ skeletons
Hulloh there, folks!
How was your Christmas? How is your Chanukah? Pumped for Kwanzaa? Find someone to smooch on New Year’s Eve? No matter how you get down, chances’re that you’re in midst of celebration. And hell, what’s not to celebrate? We just passed the winter solstice, which means that the days of darkness are going to be coming to an end. While winter is sure to bludgeon us with icy blows, we can rest assured knowing that more and more sunlight will be headed our way.
Unless, of course, you’re a dweller of of the Southern Hemisphere — if that’s the case, you’re still rocking barbeques at the beach. But then again, you’re probably getting into fistfights with joeys and hunting down the dingos that stole your babies. Damn Aussies.
Anyways, welcome to the MONDAY MORNING COMMUTE! This is the nerd-friendly show-and-tell jump-off! I’m going to sift through the entertainment debris that’ll be occupying my time in the following week, giving you the highlights along the way. After you check out `em out, it’s your duty to hit up the comments section and share your own recreational wreckage.
OL-5, standing by!
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Video: World Masturbating Champ Masanobu Sato’s Own Mini Doc.
Documentaries! A powerful format of thinly veiled fiction constructed to invigiorate the mind! To alert people to beauties and problems across the world! To…to…to capture a behind the scenes look at Masanobu Sato, the world’s masturbation champion. Pretty safe for work video after the jump.
Televised Days of Christmas: Santa Claus and the Tenth Avenue Kid
[Is there a better way to celebrate the manger-birth of a superpowered messiah-baby than watching television? Hell no! Join Rendar Frankenstein as he navigates Spaceship OL through the Televised Days of Christmas!]
If pop culture’s taught us anything about Christmas, it’s that it’s the season of redemption. This is the one time of the year during which even the most miserably misanthropic and criminally corrupt are susceptible to the suggestion that underneath their callused exteriors beat hearts of joy and peace and altruism. Even the most seemingly formidable of Yuletide foes have been felled by the most wonderful time of the year.
Ebeneezer Scrooge. The Grinch. Frank Cross.
If the very avatars of greed and contempt are knocked out by Kris Kringle’s right hook, what chance does a run-of-the-mill reprobate stand? Is Christmas magic only reserved for the worst examples of the human condition, or can it be sprinkled on those individuals residing in the darker grey shades of morality? What happens when a lifetime of misdirection is intercepted by holiday responsibility?
Well, when we take a look at the exchange between Santa Claus and the Tenth Avenue Kid it becomes clear that Christmas offers hope not just for sinners and saints, but antiheroes and unlikely champions as well.
Video: Drunk History’s ‘The Night Before Christmas’ Features Ryan Gosling, Eva Mendes, Jim Carrey.
I am madly in love with Ryan Gosling – the vat grown ovaries are coming my true love, wait for me to install them!, wait! – and Drunk History has always made me laugh. The combination of those two and more in DH’s take on The Night Before Christmas” is gold.
Hit the jump for the video. Ya turkey.
Dual-Wielding Star Wars Fan Arrested For Terrorizing Toys R Us. Awesome.
Some of us Star Wars fans are pretty fucking brutal, brah. Or brah-dette. We roll hard. The Force (of insanity) was particularly strong in one of us in Portland, Oregon.
Televised Days of Christmas: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
[Is there a better way to celebrate the manger-birth of a superpowered messiah-baby than watching television? Hell no! Join Rendar Frankenstein as he navigates Spaceship OL through the Televised Days of Christmas!]
It can’t be easy to be Santa.
Sure, the guy doesn’t have to work most days of the year. His extended vacation lasts from about December 26th through December 23rd, excepting the occasional check-ins to make sure his slaves helpers aren’t slackin’. He has the distinct pleasure of hanging his stockings with Mrs. Claus.
There’s no doubt that the jolly fat man has a nice life.
Still, Santa has the most stressful job imaginable. In a single night, the dude travels the globe, delivering presents to every single good boy and girl – a task that demands physical prowess, mental clarity, and incredible courage. By the end of his circumnavigation, St. Nick’s body has withstood incalculable g-force speeds, been stretched and crumpled through Chimneys in Chinese acrobat facsimiles, and subjected to countless cookie-calories. Through all this, Santa manages to keep a perfect record of which presents (or coal-lumps) go to which kids, never making a mistake along the way. And to top it all off, the white-beard’s got John McClane-sized balls, visiting even the homes of deserving children who just so happen to have meth-smokin’ gun enthusiasts for parents.
The only way Santa’s job could be more daunting is if his philanthropy had to go interplanetary.
So what are the implications of other planets making demands of Earth’s resident avatar of goodwill? How does a lifelong altruist react he’s told that he’s not reaching enough people? What happens when a holiday conflict goes worlds-wide?
Well, it just so happens that Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.
Televised Days of Christmas: Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past from the Future
[Is there a better way to celebrate the manger-birth of a superpowered messiah-baby than watching television? Hell no! Join Rendar Frankenstein as he navigates Spaceship OL through the Televised Days of Christmas!]
There’s no denyin’ that there’s some debate as to how Christmas should be celebrated. Religious-folk’ll tell you that the purpose of the holiday is to commemorate the birth of Jesus Christ, and as such there should be plenty of Nativity scenes and trips to church and prayers uttered. On the other hand, secular-folk’ll tell you that the spirit of season is to make a concerted effort to spend time with friends and family, honoring our fellowships with feasts and drinking-bouts and gift-giving sessions.
And somewhere in the middle of this Venn diagram, there is agreement. Peace on Earth. Goodwill towards men. Santa Claus. Zealot or heathen, we can all get down with these Yuletide trademarks.
But what if this harmony is actually overwhelming our senses, robbing us of the ability to hear the strains of discord? Could this seemingly beautiful concord blind us to the truth? With everyone getting along, giving one another the benefit of the doubt, how would we ever know if the most wonderful time of the year had a sordid past?
Well, we’d have to be visited by the Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past from the Future.
60 Arrested In Canadian ‘Project Marvel’ Gang Investigation. Take The Power Back!
Sixty people were snagged Tuesday in a series of raids across Canada, picking up a bunch of gang members who were using aliases taken from Marvel superheroes. Oh reality.
Televised Days of Christmas: It’s a Bundyful Life
[Is there a better way to celebrate the manger-birth of a superpowered messiah-baby than watching television? Hell no! Join Rendar Frankenstein as he navigates Spaceship OL through the Televised Days of Christmas!]
Alas, life is embraced once again! It’s a Wonderful Life reminds all viewers that they’re worth something, even if they don’t think so. And for its saccharine resolution, the movie has come to be known as the forerunner of all holiday entertainment.
But what if the lesson in It’s a Wonderful Life can’t be universally applied? What happens if someone who is a societal malignancy begins contemplating non-existence? What do we learn when peering into another dimension in which an individual’s absence allows others to flourish?
In those instances, we have to accept that It’s a Bundyful Life.
