#Slop Culture
Video: JAMES CAMERON and National Geographic Create New Animation Of Titanic Sinking
James Cameron loves the fuck out of the Titanic. Sometimes he quietly slips into his little underwater scooter thing, pilots down to the wreckage and makes sweet slow love to his hand. Cameron’s sea cucumber enjoys a moment of spillage, and up, up, up he goes. One of the products of this love is a new animation showing how the beauty sank all those years ago.
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Chinese Kid Sells Kidney For iPad; Now Needs His Own Kidney Transplant. Dismal ++
This is some dismal shit right here. A Chinese kid was so desperate to own an iPad and iPhone that he took to the black market and sold a kidney. That itself is a damning comment on commodity culture, but since the duder did so it’s been all down hill.
Video: ‘BABES N DONUTS’ SCION COMMERCIAL Is Slop Culture Pinnacle
Here’s a commercial for the new Scion iQ. It’s a car filled with women eating junk food, covering themselves in slop as the car does donuts while the pigs at home (us, hi!) get aroused. The sound of Rot is terrifyingly beautiful.
FECES TRANSPLANT From Cousin May Save Dude’s Life.
I didn’t know that feces transplants existed outside of a select genre of pornography, but now I am all the wiser. They certainly do, and this knowledge may put a more…favorable light on what is going on in all those German dungeons.
Video: Longboarding Gandalf Stops Traffic. Slower Than…A Tolkien Novel
Gandalf is rocking out on a longboard, slowing traffic the fuck down. Why are you going to watch this? Because it’s what our culture is, yo. Spectacle. Nonsensical, empty, spectacle. Don’t fight it. Embrace the rot.
Video: How Do Make A SHOTGUN RAINBOW. Like It Sounds, Folks.
Welcome to Bovine America, where shotguns and fast food are going to come stapled to our tits upon birth. Naw man, I shouldn’t stunt. This is goddamn awesome. It’s a moderately attractive female firing a shotgun, generating a rainbow. How can this not be everything George Washington hoped for when he fought the Martians for control of Delaware?
BROCK LESNAR Hangs An F5 On JOHN CENA’S Dumb Ass
I don’t watch wrestling, but I may need to start. I know The Rock is back, and just today I had this video emailed to me from Patrick Bateman OL’s programmer and resident sociopath. I genuinely enjoy Brock Lesnar as a super-douche hyper-real humanoid character, and I’ve always wanted to lay a stink on John Cena for ruining one of the greatest things in the world: jorts.
Hit the jump to watch Lesnar blast the choad with a ferocity unmatched by anywhere the seven winds cover.
Monday Morning Commute: Goddamn `98
I could’ve sworn I filled the tank.
I mean, if I was goin’ to risk my life time-travelin’, the best false sense of security I could’ve had would’ve been having enough fuel. As such, I spent countless weeks double-checking my math, the calculations whirring around around my mindscape even as I slept. The formula for post-temporal diesel was arcane knowledge, and if I wanted to concoct it myself I’d have to be super careful.
And when I finally felt that the arithmetic lined up, I got a big `ole metal barrel and mixed the ingredients:
– 1/2 gallon of gasoline
– 20 ounces of Pepsi Max
– 3 gallons of liquid zebra feces (grassfed animals only)
– 1/2 hour’s worth of tears
When the sludge was uniform in color (and pleasant to the taste), I poured it into the Toast-R-Oven I’d outfitted as the energy converter. I plugged in the converter, took a whiff of paint thinner, and then hopped into my combination broom closet/time machine.
I closed my eyes. Waited. Exited.
And here I am, trapped in the year 1998. Ugh. If the 1990s were an orgy, `98 would be the unwashed hippie who’s shown up despite having never received an invitation and hopin’ that some cooze grants poon-access to his scabby semen-dispenser. 1998 brandishes neither the novelty of the earlier 90s nor the enthusiasm of the turn-of-the-century. And yet it still cries for attention, hoping and pleading and wishing that someone will give a fuck.
I could’ve sworn I filled the tank. Next time I’ll check more carefully.
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Welcome to the MONDAY MORNING COMMUTE. I’m going to present semi-coherence in the hopes that you’ll validate my role as a member of Team Omega-Level. In the process, I’ll detail the various ways I’ll be keeping myself entertained. Fuck human tragedy, let’s all have a swell time!
Your mission – if you’re as brazen as you wished your prom date thought you were – is to hit up the comments section and share the bits and pieces of fun-debris that you’ll be sifting through this workweek.
Let’s dance.
Dude Taste-Tests 22 YEAR-OLD BATMAN CEREAL. Hats Off, My Friend.
…So I’m not really certain of the gender of Food junk, though I do liberally apply the term “dude” to peoples of all genders, genitals, and combinations of both. What I am certain of is that Food Junk is a blog-person carved out of the same insanity as me. Taste-testing a 22 year-old cereal? Tremendous.
April Fools: Google Maps Goes 8-Bit
Confession time sans any shame: When I was a wee boy, I would run around in my backyard, sword-stick in hand, playing in imaginary worlds that were mostly inspired by the 8-bit NES maps in Final Fantasy and Legend of Zelda. These worlds, grand for a little awesome kid, offered the perfect bird’s-eye view of spatial possibilities, offsetting where you could and could not go–that is, until a major weapon, accessory, magic, or tip was found that would be duly employed to blast through any and all obstacles. Needless to say, life was good. But now that I am old and boring and my penchant for whimsically running around in my backyard returns to me only when I am drunk or deranged, such fancies have passed from my everyday existence–until now. Clearly on a similar wavelength, the gamers behind Google Maps dropped an 8-bit April Fools masterpiece on the world. Take a bird’s-eye view after the jump.
