I don’t know about you, but I’m really friggin’ concerned with Bigfoot. The son of a bitch is all out there, starring in beef jerky advertisements and haunting our woods. The people of Texas share my concern. They share this concern so much they’ve made it legal  to cap the motherfucker.

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Since the dawn of time, a familiar epic of good v evil has played out over and over throughout the annals of human history. Neither ideal can exist alone, so it comes as little surprise that this hallowed story hath spilleth over into the frothy universe of memery. Hero and Villan alike, these dichotic nemesi are each legends in their own right, and have been cemented into the collective conscious for sometime now. But we ambitious little imps are going to try and look at the broader human struggle in play. So it is my honor to present you: Scumbag Steve VS Good Guy Greg.

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We have invented a spray that gets you instantly drunk  for a few moments, before receding with no side effects. This sounds like probably the worst thing that could have come up in our wonderfully gluttonous culture.

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I suppose with a name like Obi Wan Kenobi, you shouldn’t expect a chap to be the most stable person in the world. Right?

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How would you feel about having a high-velocity missile launcher stationed on your rooftop? I’d feel a bit of a villain swag, complimented by being really frightened that there was a death machine on my building’s head. London residents are working through these same sort of emotions as they prepare to have weapons of death on their rooftops in anti-terrorist measures during the the Olympics.

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Ha! I knew that everyone who mocked me for taking Latin back in the day was wrong. Dead language, my ass! All I need to do is take a trip to the throbbing crotch center of Catholic power to wield my Latin as I withdraw money. The same money that I will obviously be using to buy a sick replica of the Pope’s silly ass hat.

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I get it Bruce, I get it. You’re an unhappy dude. Your parents were mowed down by some junkie and at some point your dumb ass fell into a well or some shit. There’s no need to be rolling up to a child’s birthday party and spraying your malaise all over them. Or spraying anything  all over them, for that matter. Cheer up.

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Not to be confused with last week’s insta-classic, Conspiracy Keanu, our lil’ buddy Clarence has been creating quite the stir as of late on the interwebs with his moments of pristine clarity. While older brother Keanu is much more philosophical in nature and more paranoid, Sudden Clarity Clarence is a bit of a coming of age story. A young man thrust into the cold cruel world, forced to draw his own conclusions about life, love, and happiness.

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The most highlighted Kindle book passage of all time is from…Hunger Games. Yup. I’m not even going to be bitter. I’m not.

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Nobody believed Carla when she said that she was having a rough go of things, but that day she came into office wearing that v-neck sweater changed everything. They weren’t exactly channeling the spirit of Christ, those lads permanently etched into her chest. They were, however, just as full of shit.