#Slop Culture
Monday Morning Commute: moonbeam death-child
He’d read all about Transcender’s journey to Saturn, and the havoc that was wreaked upon that that hotel. It upset his constitution to think that the System’s savior, the genetically-perfected designed to fend off nether-threats, could be derailed so easily. And by such trifles, nonetheless. Alcohol. Women. Drug-beams. All of the vices that, according to many, had done in Earth in the first place.
To the moonbeam death-child, Transcender Yonder had lost his way. Which may have been true. But as seven-year old, there ain’t no way he could understand Transcender’s appreciate of fine pussy and bourbon.
Headphones clamped on tight, the moonbeam death-child tried to tune out his negative thoughts. Rather than dwell on the various ways he’d like to torture Earth’s mightiest drunkard – testicle-electrocution, force-fed glass sandwiches, and atomic bombings at the top of the list – he made his peace with the omniverse. Heck, three songs in, the moonbeam death-child laughed at the thought that people didn’t always realize that music aligns the brainwaves to the same frequencies that neutrinos use to slip between dimensions.
How comical!
So relaxed by the music was the child that he fell into a deep slumber. So relaxed was this slumber that he didn’t notice the blanket being draped over his listless frame. And so gentle was the draping that he smiled the hearty grin of the runt who’s looked after by the alpha male.
Transcender Yonder was finally home, and was glad to see that his moonbeam death-child, whether or not he’d admit it, didn’t hate him.
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Thanks for checking out the Monday Morning Commute! This is the spot where I ramble about the make-believe and the real-believe alike, sharing with you the various ways I’ll be entertaining myself throughout the workweek. After you peep my means of destroying ennui, hit up the comments section and share yours. C’mon, you know how it is – work sucks, life rules, let’s party until we’re dead!
Are you ready to rock?
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Google wants to help you find Kevin Bacon. Frankly, all I want to find is his massive fucking donger in Wild Things. Maybe you’re looking for him in a more pedestrian manner. Whatever the case, Google has our backs. And dongs.
LARRY FLYNT offering $1 MILLI bounty for Romney tax info.
Info warriors! To arms. Larry Flynt is willing to give you a pretty penny if you can scavenge out Mitty Romney’s tax information.
CANDY CORN-FLAVORED OREOS are real. ‘Cause our obesity is freedom.
Fuck yes! If we can have bacon-flavored ice cream, I see no good reason we can’t have candy corn-flavored Oreos. This is America, god dammit! Where if we don’t have XXXL t-shirts, the terrorists have clearly won. Don’t eat these to appease your fat ass. Eat these for freedom.
It’s a GUN HOLSTER to hold your BABY. Rubicon = crossed.
This pretty righteous holster only really work for me if it gives you a particular license. The license to draw your baby (or any baby you acquire through backroom poker games) and fire him or her at your enemies. Baby slinging.
OL STORE: Biff’s Secret to Success
Hey, come over here! Don’t worry, there’s plenty of parking in front of the OL STORE! Hell, the spaces are spacious, too — you can comfortably park any vehicle, even that DeLorean of yours. Give the Flux Capacitor a chance to cool down, and come on inside!
Dude gets infected with Ebola from phone he stole. Karmic counterpunch!
I always read stories like this, and I’m like, man. I need to stop licking the doorknobs at restaurants just to get my jollies. Who the hell knows what is lurking on the objects we fondle daily.
Omega-Level Weekend at FanExpo Toronto – The Concise Preamble Summary
There’s a story behind every line, but maybe the imagination can cook up funnier shit than the truth (this will be difficult, I assure you). It was a pleasure to host OL in Toronto, and I’m already looking forward to the next con weekend that OL tears up.
The Meming of Life:
Uber Frosh vs. Lazy College Senior
Ahh college. The great institution of higher learning. A concentration camp for coming of age stories. Today we take a look at a young lad entering the system, full of big ideals and ambitions. Then we take a look at the effects of the machine on that young lad, and see how he develops. 4 years of college packed into 10 memes.
Welcome to Omega-Level University.
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