I build my column with a (puerile) brick. Then add another brick. Brick by brick I manufacture juvenile columns where the news in gaming goes. What’s up friends. Enemies. Catty Tumblr fighters. This is Press Start!, the column where shit that was the happenin’ in gaming in the previous week gets noted. Blathered about.

I encourage, nay demand!, that you spit your own happenings into the comments box’s mouth.

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We are entering the teeth of the Albatross, my friends. October is nigh, and with that comes the beginning of the super boner jam that is the Fall/Winter gaming schedule. Game after game shall be released, fucking your wallet and titillating your tits. The most double-edged of swords as you moan in glory and horror.

This is Press Start!, the weekly column where we – you, me, and that guy in the corner in the sweat pants – talk about the happenings in the gaming world. My list is out of order, not reflective of the impact, and most importantly: not proof read.

Let’s dance.

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Man, I have to write myself a new edition of Press Start. Harumph! I haven’t written one in a few weeks. Out of a lack of a time, out of a lack of interest. Combine those two and you can almost hear Hegel groan under the power of his dialectic! Shazam! Synthesize. Out of the opposite of those two comes! New column! Press Start! Five things that caught my eye in gaming this week.

The joke! Of course! I’ve been too busy to really come across anything. I mean fuck man, I have an unopened copy of Gears of War 3 sitting in my car. I haven’t even brought that shit in yet. Since Tuesday. I am not elite. I am not select. Definitely not worthy of considering spelling my name using numbers and the what-not.

So let’s go exploring the internet together!

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Someday my children will not understand what a start button is, and that saddens me. Their wrists affixed to controls with duct tape, my commands clear. Play my little bastard spawns of my testicles, play and master the games. I want you to win gaming tournament, I want to be the gaming world equivalent of Jimmy Hart. Taunting the competition of my children. “Dad I have to pee!” they’ll lament. “Shut up, press fucking start!, and earn your nightly gruel!” They won’t know what I mean. “Start…?” and I’ll curse progress and yell “Press that button that looks like a triangle! To the right of the X!, fuck.”

Such is progress.

Until such a time, I hold you close. My gaming friends. This is Press Start! The weekly gaming slop culture fiasco, where I highlight five things that are this week only tacitly connected to gaming. What caught your eyes the past 7? Hit me.

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What’s up, you fraggin’ funk masters. This is Press Start!, the column where I go “Blah, blah blah, Top 5 things in gaming that caught my eye this week. Please tell me yours too.” After I say that, this is the rest of the column, “Blah, blah, blah, moderately cool thing, dick joke, blah blah, half-baked attempt at cultural criticism, blah, blah, sort of cool thing, repeat.”

Well, shall we?

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Press Start! Brace yourself. Take a swig of your prescribed beverage of choice. Let it wash around the insides of that gullet of yourself. Press Start! The column where I spit about five things that caught my eye in gaming this week. Press Select!, choose to share what you dug or hated or found intriguing in the world of gaming these past 168 hours or so since we last spoke.

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I am a sick man. I am a diseased man. While I wish I was the Man from Dostoyevsky’s Underground, I’m just a nerd. Afflicted with phlegm and nausea and a quivering of the bowels. So in all honesty, my friends, I’m pounding out this column quicker than Billy Batson can shazam the fuck outta Dodge. Gray and green and brown matter is flying all over my keyboard. I need the dull glow of Theraflu and the prone position.

Press Start!. Column that spouts off on top five things that caught my attention in gaming this week.

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This is Press Start!, the column where I spit about video games. A top five list of the happenings in the gaming world from a particular 168-hour span. I’m a bit distracted today. You see, here in the comfortable bosom of the United States, the glorious day of Burning Flesh and Explosion-Based Dismemberment is coming upon us! I can’t fucking wait. The next few days are merely filler, perhaps filled with the party before the party. Grab a group of friends and regardless of allegiances and ideologies, get your community smiles on. Let’s just get through this so we can all go grab some beverages and chuckle either in a backyard or a CoD lobby.

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I absolutely love Chez-Its. Nothing relaxes me more than popping down on the toilet mashing a handful of Chez-Its into my gullet while checking my Tumblr on my iPhone. One of the other things I absolutely love is the use of adverbs. Hemingway fucking hates me. On top of those two pure, unadulterated loves of mine is my unremitting love for video games.

That’s why I write this column. Press Start!, the post where I run down five things that happened in the world of video games this week. I’m covered in Chez-It crumbs and ready to vomit verbose into your eye-mind-mouths.

Let’s party, guys!

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We’ve got that post-E3 swerve going on, don’t we? This is Press Start!, the weekly gaming column. Being broadcasted out of my brainstem into a document, onto the satellite-netter-webs conduits for your unpleasant consumption.

What caught your eyes in the world of gaming this week? I am a free-flowing cavalcade of non-sense. My interests may not reflect your own. Hit me with your own list or findings or nuggets of glorious gleaming gaming developments.

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