#Press Start!
Press Start!: Yo BioWare, Open SWTOR The F**K Up.
I’m about to vomit about the new Star Wars RPG. This is Press Start. If you don’t give a fuck about the title, I’ve strewn the following throughout the post to keep your attention: a hot dog eating contest, a wasted Han Solo, and if none of those fit your fancy, the conclusion of the post is a fat kid dancing. Isn’t that enough spectacle?
Allons-y.
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Press Start!: The Year Spectacle Gaming Died For Me
It’s the end of the year. News is slow. Leisure has temporarily supplanted effort for a majority of people within the comfy confines of the Western world. By the time the gift certificates have been burned and the clothes returned and the sales capitalized upon, we realized it’s no longer Christmas but it is almost assuredly New Year’s Eve. So since everything is but a trickle out of the Echo Chamber’s anus for the past week, I figured it’d be worth mentioning the most notable thing that happened upon my writhing gaming ass in 2011. This was the year spectacle gaming died for me.
Monday Morning Commute: ex-hoes’ skeletons
Hulloh there, folks!
How was your Christmas? How is your Chanukah? Pumped for Kwanzaa? Find someone to smooch on New Year’s Eve? No matter how you get down, chances’re that you’re in midst of celebration. And hell, what’s not to celebrate? We just passed the winter solstice, which means that the days of darkness are going to be coming to an end. While winter is sure to bludgeon us with icy blows, we can rest assured knowing that more and more sunlight will be headed our way.
Unless, of course, you’re a dweller of of the Southern Hemisphere — if that’s the case, you’re still rocking barbeques at the beach. But then again, you’re probably getting into fistfights with joeys and hunting down the dingos that stole your babies. Damn Aussies.
Anyways, welcome to the MONDAY MORNING COMMUTE! This is the nerd-friendly show-and-tell jump-off! I’m going to sift through the entertainment debris that’ll be occupying my time in the following week, giving you the highlights along the way. After you check out `em out, it’s your duty to hit up the comments section and share your own recreational wreckage.
OL-5, standing by!
Press Start!: Obama Funds Socialist Groups With Skyrim Farming.
Oh, hello there friends. How is the Internet treating you today? Reblog that animated gif of the cat skulking quick on Tumblr and come back to me. I’ll wait. You here? Aiight, ballin’. This here is Press Start! It’s a gaming column turned Nonsense Collective where we chat about the week in gaming. Pour yourself a glass of your favorite drink – but Jesus Christ if you’re a friend of Bill W. don’t break your fucking sobriety this close to Christmas on my accord – and let’s chat the Light Polygonal. I list five things that caught my eye in gaming this week, and you retort with clearly superior choices. I’ll nod, praise you, and we’ll all leave happy.
Why Miles Davis? ‘Cause with swag that hard he goes where he wants.
Press Start!: Shigeru Miyamoto Meets Pee Play
Jambo, my friends. Welcome to the column that never ends. Save for weeks where I’m buried in graduate work, crying to the stars and the God that doesn’t respond. Despite the shrines of pubic hair and headless dolls I build. He never responds. That’s okay! I have ya’ll. We’re going to talk about video games here in Press Start. The column where I expound immaturely about the past seven days in gaming in the form of a trite Top 5 list. Share your own findings! I wait with baited breath, staring through your window. You’re so pretty.
Press Start!: Homoerotic Rimjobs, Lightsabers and Christmas Moms.
Hello, friends. How you doing? Are you stuffed to the brim with Thanksgiving food? Is your bowel movement the consistency of corn-flavored soft serve ice cream? Then kick your feet up and read this edition of Press Start!, the column where I mouth off about the events in the previous week of gaming. It’s a list! You like lists. Santa likes lists. Everyone is partying in lists. Unbutton them pants, let the stink of your overworked groin-parts lull you into a state of semi-consciousness, and open your gaming Third Eye to me.
Press Start!: Mario Gives Skyrimjobs In His Tanooki Suit
Into the Teeth of the Storm we march! The November Blitz Krieg, obliterating the Paris of your Wallet. Onwards! First World Middle Class Problems. Everyone duck, ignore the sirens. We’ve earned this through patience, g’damnit. There’s too many video games to ever hope to tackle, but fuck if I ain’t trying. Some games (Skyrim) I’m not even approaching until semester break. Some games (Modern Warfare 3) I lowered the right shoulder and blasted through.
This is Press Start! I’m Caffeine Powered. I play the video games. I babble about the week’s happenings in said world. I hope you’ll join me. Flap your lips, slap your gums, mash your fingers.
Press Start!: Liu Kang’s Nipples Are Weird.
“In a few weeks’ time, you’ll be gathered around the Thanksgiving table, breaking bread with your friends and family in honor of Pure Pilgrims’ triumph over the Scary Savages. Before you stab your kid brother in the neck with the salad fork, take a peek at all of the celebrants – each one of them is a goddamn gamer. Your meathead, pigskin-huckin’ cousin is a Call of Duty fiend. Your fat little sister gets down with DDR. Gramps delays death with WiiFit. Hell, even Auntie Craggy plays Farmville and Fat Uncle Drunkard has a Sudoku app for his mobile. This is the future. And we’re all gamers.”
This is Press Start.
Press Start!: Microsoft Kinect Presents ‘Grand Theft Anal.’
Lords of the Joystick, deliver me from critical analysis. Let me find myself in the next soothing great misdirect, awash in stimuli and polygon. I’m but a man, with strained (brain) stem I hunger for video games as escape. Dedicated to the Temple, I scavenge weekly for details pertaining to this World I love so much. The remnants, the scraps, pulled together into something is this banal Top 5 list. It’s not much, but it’s easy.
Press Start!: Link Shows Zelda His Blast Processing, Needs Shotgun Wedding.
This is Press Start! A column where I generally go ‘blah blah blah video games Top 5’ for 800+ words or so. Generally longer. Generally unedited. Today I’m tired as fuck and the room is spinning and the voices are encouraging me towards knives, so instead I’m going to cop-out and just post the dope gaming videos I came across this week. If you don’t like them, feel free to hit the comments box with your own video game happenings of the week. You swine.
