Friends, I have undergone massive, personal changes this week. I decided to finally turn my back on the dark arts and have since ceased to be a necromancer, instead choosing to focus my powers on the noble art of aquamancy.  It was a huge change for me and my family and we are slowly learning to live our lives without summoning hordes of the undead to do our bidding. It’s tough. On the plus side though: you need some water conjured? Bam, I’m there.

Obviously, there is more to my life than sorcery: video games, for example. Here’s what happened in them this week.

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Summer is traditionally not a great time for the gaming industry; it’s quiet, a little too quiet…if you know what I mean. It’s fine, though; I understand; those hard working men and women of the gaming industry spend the majority of their time chained to desks in dank dungeon-like offices, dreaming of the world beyond their cubicle. Perhaps I’ve read JPod too many times, but I feel like those kids deserve a break. That said, writing this column sure isn’t easy when the entire industry decides to take a break from making much of anything happen. Still, we shall prevail. Until winter: courage.

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Welcome back to Press Start: a column that used to be written by Caffeine Powered. Whilst he battles his crippling addiction to bath salts I’ve agreed to fill in, so without further ado; I present you with five individual, shrink-wrapped nuggets of gaming news all prepped and ready for your consumption.

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Dear friends. It is with a heavy heart that I write this, my first guest spot on Press Start! Many of you will remember our beloved Caffeine Powered as the articulate, junk grabbing slop enthusiast that regaled us with tales from the very frontiers of video game development and culture. I want you to hold on to that memory as tightly as you can. The last time I saw him – barely covering his modesty with tattered rags, excitedly drawing my attention to his bedroom walls: hosting his life’s work rendered in fecal matter – he told me that I needed to resurrect this information behemoth. I willingly accepted. And promptly left the premises.

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Welcome to Press Start!, the weekly column where we blab about the happenings in the world of gaming in the past seven days. It’s done-up as a list, ‘cause motherfuckers love lists. Audience participation is encouraged, so if you see something absent from the list let’s get some dialogue going in the comments section. However as you make your way to the microphone be mindful of the urine-and-tacks filled balloons hanging above. They will punish the spiteful.

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Well dang! It’s been a minute since I butt cheek titty fucked this particular column. Press Start! Column where we chat up the weekly happenings in the gaming world. I’ve been busy, okay? The sculpture of Casey Hudson I’ve been crafting made out of my own excrement and sticking pins into to punish him for Mass Effect 3’s  ending won’t make itself. Lots of chicken finger plates. Lots of bowel movements. Lots of fun! What matters is that I’m here now. We’re all snuggled up, don’t sniff my fingers, and I’m about to rattle off five things that caught my eyes this week. Don’t see something you dug on the list? Good, this little community doesn’t work without your input. Let’s jam.

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Pow! Welcome to the sporadic and unfortunately not really weekly anymore column Press Start! Within these confines we talk about what the haps are in the world of gaming on a given week. No column is complete without a lazy conceit, so we’re rocking a Top 5 list. Per usual, my list is based solely on personal preference, and reflects only  my poor taste. Do my dumb ass a solid and spout off in the comments section about what caught your fancy these past seven days.

Let’s boogie. Woogie.

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Welcome to Press Start! Pow! Holy fuck. What’s going on. This is the column where we, the interwebs collective, discuss the happenings in the gaming world this week. Presented as a sprawling, unedited fart licking Top 5 list, I encourage everyone to point out the sort of occurrences that slipped my mind. My list does not reflect importance!, only that which caught my bleary eyes.

Boom!

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This is Press Start!, the only weekly column guaranteed to feature my dumb ass sprawling on, and on, and on about the past seven days in gaming. I mash the sumbitch together in a chintzy Top 5 list, and then solicit you to share everything I missed. It’s a square deal, man. Or woman. People! Humans! Sentient electronics. Everything-one-stuff is welcome. Let’s party.

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If there’s one thing I was certain about when I was a young kid gaming it up back in the day it was this: that advertisers were obviously pretty smart people who had my best intentions in mind. They saw me, they knew it. I had these guys and gals over at Marketing Place 101 to thank for my awareness of all the latest and greatest in the 16-bit era. It was a pretty simple relationship. Through various devices they’d transmit the objects I absolutely needed  to have. Commercials with lots of yelling? Fuck yeah! Magazine advertisements with convincing arguments. Why yes, Atari Jaguar. Yes. 16 x 4 does indeed equal 64. You win, you win the round. I’d proceed to roll around on the floor tear-soaked and tell my parents I couldn’t possibly, at all, hope to ever, ever, be a real gamer if I wasn’t blast-processing on my Sega Genesis-CD-32X.

Weren’t they good parents?

Didn’t they understand?

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