Hi kids.  Pull up a chair and grab a juice box, its story time.  I’ll be honest; I don’t really have much of an opinion for this week’s Opinions Vary article.  What I do have is my synopsis for a movie I wrote called Road to the Point.  Road to the Point is an ambitious tale that attempts to chronicle the obvious, but frustratingly untold, story that takes place between the movies Roadhouse and Point Break.   So hit the jump and get a towel ready, I’m about to blow your mind.

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Although it is oftentimes bogged down by its own insular squabbling on this planet, humankind has a fascinating propensity to be open-minded about the possibility of intelligent life elsewhere. The unbelievable vastness of the universe coupled with the strangeness of our potentially singular existence within it seems to make many hesitant to commit to the conviction that we are alone. Rather, it’s more understandable to long for others to be with us. After all, if there’s a whole lot of life here, then surely it can conceivably happen somewhere else. And while some believe that here and elsewhere have already mixed and intelligent life forms have visited from afar to our pale blue dot, most supporters hold that there’s a better chance that aliens exist just outside our celestial periphery and will continue to do so until a future time when, with the assistance of technological and even social advancements, we might at last meet. But even without the realistic prospects of such a superior tomorrow in our sight, there remains a genuine willingness to take the necessary steps to get there, to reach out in the hope that we can commence a cosmic dialogue with anyone or anything that might be receptive to a human how-do-you-do.

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A couple of weeks ago I was yanking purple-tip to Almost Human’s premiere. It was jazzy, I was jazzed, my underoos were sticky but stern. (What does that even mean?) In the middle of my fluids-flinging, our own incalculably talented J-Hawtsauce pointed out that he had a hard time swallowing the episode orders that network television demanded. The good sir lamented the puffed-up nature that having to bring twenty-four (or so) episodes to bare every season can produce on a show.

At the time I claimed that I didn’t have a problem with what were essentially procedural television shows with a science-fiction tinge. After all, I love the X-Files, Fringe titillates me, and since I’m lazy and don’t feel like thinking I’ll nominate Battlestar Galactica as (a stretch of) an example.

Monsters of the week episodes rule! (Sort of.)

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Being funny is really difficult. In fact, it’s so difficult that I don’t even try to be funny (and my writing for Omega-Level records this abstention quite nicely). And to prove my dedication to humorlessness even more in this OV piece, I am going to do one of the least funny things a person can do: I will try to discuss some qualities of comedy methodically by submitting my sober thoughts on a comedic modus operandi that’s used today to an overwhelming degree: pop culture referencing. So, please, sit back and wallow in my unfunny criticism of pop culture comedy.

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Two weeks from tomorrow, the PlayStation Fun Machine the Fourth drops. Three weeks from tomorrow, the Microsoft Xboned Before It Arrives will hit shelves. With the  console gaming world embroiled in the debate as to the merit of both machines, an olden warrior sits in the corner. Sales dismal, library laughable, nary a soul gives a fuck about the Nintendo Wii U.

Myself included.

I miss the days when I gave a fuck about Nintendo.

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Hi boys and girls.  We’re a week out from Halloween, so I figured I’d do a theme OV this go around.  Today we’ll be talking about sin.  Shut up, it is too Halloween themed!  I’m sure everyone at this point is familiar with the concept of the seven deadly sins.  You know, Wrath, Greed, Lust, Envy, Sloth, Gluttony, and Vanity.  This week’s OV is very simple.  Choose your sin.

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Rejoice, my friends! We are living in a golden age of television, when viewers have more and better options than ever before. There’s something for everyone, and that something is oftentimes quite impressive. In particular, dramatic narratives have become a go-to form for fans of creative story arcs and complex characters, presenting a more wide-ranging, novelistic approach to visual storytelling than even what most commercial films currently offer. And a pulp paragon of this form is Breaking Bad. It’s so defining, in fact, that some contemplate that it may be seen as this age’s end someday. But let’s be more optimistic than that. There is still a lot of quality TV-watching to be done and now that Breaking Bad has come to an end and fans of the show, myself included, start to turn to other shows, to find quality entertainment somewhere else, I think it’s a good time to explicate my strangely hesitant relationship with narrative television.

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Football is back.  I am excited.  If you are reading this outside the US or are one of those soccer loving people, I am talking about the smashmouth game played on the gridiron, and not the game where you run for three hours and then call it a draw.  I understand the futility of making a post about sports on a comic/video game/movie blog is counterproductive, so I promise I will make it entertaining.

A few years back, some friends and I circulated out via e-mail ultimate fantasy baseball teams using characters from movies, comics, tv shows, and books.  Well, I’m going to do that for my Opinions Vary column this week.  Why you ask?  Two reasons.  Number 1, i’ts fun, and number 2 I am doing this at the 11th hour and honestly have no better ideas.  So feel free to make your own team complete with reasons and explanations.  Also, don’t be shy about ripping into me or each other about selections.  I will be following a few rules when constructing my team.  Those is no teleportation/ phasing, flight is also off limits, brainwashing and reading minds is out, and no magic, telekinesis, or props (Mjollnir, Iron Man suit, web shooters, etc).  So hit the jump and let’s get started. Keep Reading »

Well, folks. It’s that time again: back to school for students and educators!

The excitement is palpable beyond belief. Eager children, having had a couple of glorious, sun-soaked months off from school to rejuvenate, are now primed for further enlightenment in the coming year. These little self-starters are just chomping at the bit to get back and they’re not going to let anything impede their educational development. Thanks to these ever-buoyant students, the future looks incredibly bright, indeed. Keep Reading »

When I was thirty-three, I was madly in love with a man named Herbert. Built like a brick shit house, and worked in a pizzeria. Herbert and I were madly in love. That’s until the day I caught him giving the old pepperoni push to one of his co-workers in the back of our 1992 Sable station wagon. I was aghast. Me holding my pepperoni, this random stranger’s rectal cavity holding my Herbert’s. I felt betrayed. Still we persisted. For a bit. Herbert and I broke up that New Year’s Eve when I found him fingering some young stud near the punch bowl, carelessly pouring spiked Kool Aid all over his balls. I didn’t stay to watch him lap it up.

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