What sweet shit is this? Perhaps a sign that me and my generation is aging; people we love are dying and the initial “how can that possibly be?” is met with “well they weren’t exactly young.” But still – Harold Ramis? Fuck.

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Does this TV spot contain a potentially enormous spoiler? Yes. Do I buy said spoiler? Not at all. Is it clever as fuck marketing either way? Aye, aye.

Hit the jump if you dare. (Please dare.)

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Marvel’s Phrase Something-Such (P3? P4?) is going to include a Doctor Strange movie. Why? ‘Cause we will see it, it’ll make money, and then Disney and Marvel will sixty-nine. A glorious, neck muscle-pulling 69, while Winnie the Pooh and Captain America pour gold-laced baby oil over the two companies.

But uh — Doctor Strange news.

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I love Bret Easton Ellis. I used to love Kanye West. They’re both what I consider talented. They’re also both what I consider to me immeasurably large douchebags. One writing a movie for the other? Hoo boy.

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Whelp. Here it is. First trailer for Guardians of the Galaxy. A marauding raccoon. Jacked dudes. Patented Chris Pratt humor. Spaceships. That giant-ass tree-thing. Zoe as a smoldering green babe. I’m fucking sold.

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I’m so jacked and pumped for Guardians of the Galaxy. So jacked! So pumped! It looks exactly like nothing Marvel’s done before, and that’s goddamn glorious. I’m like one of Chris Pratt’s glorious pectoral muscles. Pumped with blood, heaving, sweaty.

And stuff.

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Quick! Look out your window!

See it? It’s floating right there! Yeah, right above the guesthouse your neighbor uses for his weekend binges of cocaine and SNES. No, it ain’t a UFO, at least not of the little-green-men, flying-saucer variety. And yes, it does look a bit like a rocketship made of impounded station wagons and junkyarded computer components.

Because it is.

What’s that? Oh, the lights on the side? You’re goddamn right they’re Christmas lights. What’re they there for? C’mon, they spell something out. Look closer, it’s not hard to see a two-letter combination. Yeah, you’ve got it.

OL.

Spaceship OL is touching down in your neighborhood. Why’s that? Well, it’s `cause we’re bringing you the MONDAY MORNING COMMUTE. Once you board the vessel, I’ll show you some of the strategies I’ll be using to spend the week celebrating existence. Then, you tell the crew and passengers what you’ll be doing to destroy boredom.

Let’s do this, before that nosy CPA across the street phones the neighborhood watch.

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There is a Guardians of the Galaxy trailer coming down the pipe, so we should all be excited for that. However, what if we’re so excited that our nipples are leaking? Our nose is running? Well bad news — that means you’re probably dying and not actually excited. However!, if it is excitement, I have something to sate you. Some fucking GNARLY test footage featuring Groot and Rocket Raccoon opening cans. Of Dat Whup Ass.

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First half of this trailer: Oh man being Spider-Man is fucking glorious, I’m funny and my nuts are huge from radioactivity, things are fun. Second half of this trailer: LOL nvm mind that here’s a tonally inconsistent trailer being Spider-Man actually sucks, post script: everyone I love dies because I wear a leotard.

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Can you dig it? I can dig it! I’m all clad in leather, a gorgeous catsuit zipped halfway down revealing my oddly shaped nipples and chest hair! But it’s for a good cause. Nay, it’s part of a celebration.

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