My balls just fucking stank this summer, man. Granted, it’s warm out! And granted, they usually stank after I’ve spent an hour or so working out. But, man! They’re not a good scene. Not a good scene, at all. And it was with those stank-ass balls that I hit up the comic book store today. That’s how committed I am to the cause, my dudes. Oh, I’m two-days late to the cause? The cause of writing a weekly comic books column? Fair enough! However, I’d be even more late if I didn’t pack my perpetually lower dangling testicles into my swampy Honda Civic, and drive my ass to the shop today. So be fucking grateful! Or institute some sort of crystal-powered Smell-O-Vision in this column!

Then you’ll run to the fucking hills! Run for your fucking lives!

Anyways! It’s a bit of a quiet week on the comic book front. Admittedly, there’s only one new comic book I snagged. The second recommendation is a title I picked-up last week and dug! And finally? The third recommendation is a title that dropped this week, but I absolutely cannot fucking find the first three issues.

With all of that in mind, let’s Dance the Dance! So These Are Comic Books! Hit me up in the comments section with everything I’m fucking missing this week. I know, I know I’m goofing up. Mind you, be kind! Cause I got a set of testicles with your upper-lip in mind, should you act the fucking fool!

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We’re getting deep into summer now, friends. With such a progression brings deeper, more rewarding dusk. However, it also brings with it shorter days, longer shadows, and hints at a Fall which promises to be seemingly chaotic at best. But as I said Monday, in the end we’re promised nothing. Nothing! Fucking nothing at all. Which means I might as well enjoy the beautiful dusks and the welcoming evenings while I can, no? Who knows what next week will bring for me. Really, for all of us. Why sweat it? And if we’re not sweating next week, let us definitely not begin to contemplate whatever the fuck is about to happen this winter.

Instead, let’s fucking hang out this weekend! Balls out in the air. Toes in the existential pool. Let’s fucking hang out, here at the Open Bar!

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Back on that comic grind, back on that comic grind! Mamma mia, can I really keep up this column, So These Are Comic Books? It seems that way! But Ian, let’s not start sucking our dick already. I mean, right? Four weeks ain’t a solid commitment, and my dick ain’t anywhere near my lips. Fucking mediocre dong. Fucking inflexible ass. Still though, it’s a nice avenue for blabbering, blathering, and overall venting of my textual diarrhea. Gotta empty the ass, or the ass chakra gets too full. Begins backing-up. Flooding into the body. Causing delirium. Need them chakras clear. Need them chakras clean. If not, can I truly ascend the Astral Ladder on a Friday evening?

— and by that, I mean, get adequately high and watch horror movies? No way! No Jose!

None the less, enough about my ass. This is a comic books column, and let’s just stay the course. Whatever the fuck that course is, was, or will be. You know? Oh, you know!

Maybe, maybe I’m just stalling. ‘Cause I’m in a bit of a pickle here, this week. I’m at the stage in the comic book game where I’m struggling to piece together a pull-list. Meanwhile, I’m finding myself with an odd collection of installments in the comics worth checking out. You know how it goes. You hear about a comic book four-issues in. You saddle up to the comic book store’s wall of choice. Then you find that they have like, issues #1 and #3 of one comic series you’re interested in. As well, they got like issues #2 and #4 of another. And what the fuck are you left with? A patchwork of comics that seem interesting, but you can’t dive into yet.

Of all the things I missed about comics, I certainly didn’t miss the unpredictability of what is stocked, or the frustration at not being able to find a title you want. It really fucking ground my gears last week, when the comic shop didn’t have Strange Adventures #4. Ain’t no fault of the owner, dude is solid as fuck. Rather, it’s DC going alone on their own distribution, shorting the shop, and I didn’t get my sub request in on time.

Fuck me! Fuck me sideways and cram it in my ass.

Anyways, what I’m trying to say is that I’m really in-between recommendations this week. At least, as far as shit that dropped on the Scared Wednesday. But, I got a couple of things that caught my eye, and one glorious gift from Johnny Hotsauce himself.

Per usual, help me thicken, help my pull-list throb in the comments section.

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Hey, friends! Apologies for the tardiness! Mea culpa, mea dumb ass. I think I butchered the Latin there, but who knows. It’s a fucking dead language. Who is going to stop me? Motherfuckers buried under the rubble of Mount Vesuvius? Some nerd Latin scholar at University? Step-up bitches, and face a Superkick Party. Anyways, I’m genuinely sorry I’m dropping this MMC on a Tuesday.

In case you’re wondering why? Man, I’m fucking fighting it this week! Fighting what? Just a general sense of existential malaise. A sexier way of describing my various chemical imbalances compounded by the flat-out Dumpster Fire that is life in the United States  Just the act of sitting down and compiling words in a WordPress document seems pretty overwhelming. But, I’m here motherfuckers! Sometimes the act of just pushing through is helpful. You know? Maybe you know.

Anyways. Any-fucking-hoo, here we have Monday Morning Commute! Truth be told I’m digging a lot of shit these days, and these arts & farts are genuinely helping me through the week. So, I’ll drop them below, and I hope you’ll share your own collection of happenings and happiness-inducing activities in the comments.

This is Monday Morning Commute.

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We begin to debate whether or not our hand mastery of our own dongs would carryover to providing such hand relief for other gentleman. Then we transition into our own capacity for providing dong-based oral pleasure. You know, just to take it a step further.

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I have just enough to do during this summer quasi-break to be stoked for the weekends. Ya know? Just enough stress to compel me to look forward to Friday evening. Plus, you know. It’s an opportunity to hang with my wife, and my husband, and eat a truckload of preposterously unhealthy food. As well, I get to spend some time with you motherfuckers. Here, at the Weekend Open Bar! The one-stop shop for buffoonery and camaraderie every weekend.

It’s shaping up to be a good weekend for me. Weather setting the tone. The heat wave’s finally breaking here, and good god, I can open my windows. Get some of that late-summer air wafting in. Reminding me that the descent into Autumn has thankfully begun, while being warm enough to not nip out. I must confess, it’s one of my favorite times of the year. I hope you’re appreciating it as much as me! If not, well, I hope you’re at least tolerating it.

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FUCK your curse and FUCK your elite, Dead Cells. The One Pixel Kid comin’ through. He’s giving no fucks and taking no hits.

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Okay friends, fuck me sideways. You know what the hardest part about getting back into comic books is? Fucking catching-up! Like, the land has begun to reveal itself to me at this point. The swollen tempests of textual glory. The rolling hills of narrative bliss. The throbbing membranes through which to pass, emerging into a world of entertainment. But holy fucking moly, is this mixed-metaphor world of glory overwhelming. You know? It’s one thing to identify everything I should be reading. Surprisingly, that shit is proving rather easy. However, the real tug on the titty-clamp is purchasing and then consuming all of these worthwhile endeavors.

“This is supposed to be fun” I just bemoaned to my wife.

She looked me dead in the eyes and said “You know how many times I’ve wanted to say that to you?”

Okay, she didn’t say it. But, I don’t blame me if she’s thought it over the years. At my core I’m a pudgy dude with a slug for a pud.

So these are comic books! And they’re fucking rad. But Christ if I ain’t playing catch-up right now. Thankfully, I don’t have many on my plate for purchase this week. Which means after I finally, finally polish off The Stand, I’m just going to get cranking. Like, not cranking like you’d imagine me cranking. By the way, it’s odd that you’re picturing me cranking. Though, I’m sort of honored. I hope I’m shirtless in your mind. Wearing pink crocs. Fuck it, whatever. Picture me however you want.

What I mean by cranking, is cranking in the sense that I’m going to turn my ADD-powered non-focus on my currently compiling backlog.

In the meantime, here is what I’m snagging this week. It ain’t much, and lord knows I’m probably missing some dope shit. So hit me up in the comments with your own Snags of the Week. Or, if you’d prefer, how you picture me cranking. Ideally wearing pink crocs.

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Hey, friends! I know, Monday Morning Commute is a day late! But as my wife and I always say around that time of the month, “better late than not at all”, right? Here we are! Me kicking shit off crass as hell, which I suppose is par for my idiotic, juvenile course. How are you friends? Are you surviving the never ending Maelstrom of Cruelty and Resignation that is America in 2020? I hope so, dudes. I hope so. It ain’t easy, though! I’m feeling it lately.

From the privileged problems like not being able to go out to eat, to the more resonant ones like worrying about my job. My anxiety runs the whole gauntlet! Meanwhile, I suppose I’m just struggling with the loss of normalcy. I had a dream over the weekend that it was my first day back in the classroom after this whole son of a bitch runs its course. You know, to the extent that it ever will. COVID-19 is here forever in some form, baby! ‘Cause we all fucked up. But, man. That dream felt fucking good. I miss it, I genuinely do, the motherfucking classroom. My ass snapped awake, and there was just this melancholic-ass feeling in my guts.

I admit if my biggest sadness is not being able to teach in a classroom, I’m doing fucking well. Great, even. That said, it does register like a nut-punch to the existential nards that I’ll be teaching from home all Fall. Spring too, probably.

Anyways, enough caterwauling from this blubbering bitch. This is Monday Morning Commute! As probably all four of you know. Which means I’m about to give you a rundown of what I’m enjoying this week, what I’m looking forward to this week, and all of that other happy horseshit. Per usual, I hope you’ll join me in the comments. Ain’t gonna blame ya if you don’t, though!

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Dick-lords and glorious babes of any self-identified gender, welcome to another edition of So These Are Comic Books! When I kicked off this comics column again, I should have known it wouldn’t be easy! Between time-constraints and a wild ignorance of the market, it’s sort of hard to know what’s going on. That said, my “time-constraints” right now are really just getting high and playing Ghost of Tsushima, or some shit. And if I’m being honest? The ignorance can burn off like a fog if I dedicate myself to actually reading about comic books. What. A. Fucking. Idea!

Seriously though, it’s as intimidating as fuck getting back into the game. I really, truly only recognize names from like, five years ago. A fact you’ll quickly pick-up if you read this column! But, maybe you got better things to do. Fingering your ass (a worthy activity), reading your own comic book purchases (a worthy activity), or compulsively reading COVID vaccine news (not a worthy activity, believe me).

That said, I fucking hope you’re here, friends! As well, fuck it, finger your ass while reading this column. Why not? Life’s short, your ass is a playground.

With that in mind, push pointer finger on prostate (or, if you don’t got one of those, just root around!) and get ready for what I’m snagging this week! Then, why don’t you mosey down into the comments section and let me know what other titles are worth snagging and/or your preferred anal play of choice.

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