Oh fuck! It’s been a hell of a day, and that’s why I’m late opening the bar. (Why was it late, Ian?) I’m glad you asked! I’ll tell you! SAM-OMEGA and myself went to see a house today, as we are (were?) hunting for a new abode. And what began as a viewing snowballed into a four-hour extravaganza that ended in us having an offer accepted! So fuck! I’m on my way to thirty years of Debt Slave toiling. And I’m excited about it! But even if the grind gets too much (SEGUE!!!) from Monday through Friday, I’ll always have the Weekend Open Bar.

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Welcome back to Opinions Vary where the opinions aren’t serious and that is good because they are fucking dreadful. Best is a great word. Because just like “terrorist” and “overrated”, it means absolutely nothing other than what the author intends. And even they don’t know what it means half the time, textually flopping around like a fish out of ontological water.

So I must rise above that ambiguity. I must install a concretized, unassailable definition of “best.” That’s what I must do for this polemic to work. Yes, I must. But I will fail. So when I say The Dark Knight has the best trailer of all time, this is what I mean: I wanted to open a discussion about trailers. Specifically rad ones. And when I thought “dick-stiffening trailer”, the first two-minute advertisement that sprung to mind was the one for TDK.

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This is my third week of marriage. It feels very much the similar to the life I was living  prior to marriage – namely a maelstrom of responsibilities and too few nights spent actually enjoying the company of my Wife. We spent the weekend house shopping, and now she’s away on business. When…when does life calm down? And in the midst of all that bullshit — we are submitting an offer sheet on a house tomorrow. So there’s that. Either we get a house tomorrow, or we have to hit the house hunting grind again this weekend. Which, admittedly, is a privilege. I get that. But it’s stressful as fuck, and at a certain point having more space for shit you probably doesn’t need must feel irrelevant in the Frowning Face of Not Enjoying Time with a loved one. Right?

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I’m anything but an Alpha Male. In fact, SAM-OMEGA is definitely the Matriarch of our officially unified relationship. An Alpha Female, who is willing to punch down doors, and vaporize the Walls of Impossibility to get what she wants for her family and herself. This is perfectly okay to me. Every Batman (her) needs their trusty Robin (this dickhead). And so I’m looking forward to wasting the weekend away with her before she departs on Sunday for Alpha Female Business Trip #Something of the year. What are you up to the next couple of days? This is Weekend Open Bar, the weekly post where we share what we’re up to on our (hopeful) Siesta from the Grind.

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Welcome back to Monday Morning Commute! Missed it last week. Was away. Being on a “honeymoon” with the “love of my life” doing “cool things.” Naw — I’m just fucking around. It was pretty fantastic. But here I am. A year-and-a-half journey has come to its end and now SAM-OMEGA and I “on to the next chapter of our life”, which hopefully doesn’t “cost thousands upon thousands of dollars” to live out like the previous one.

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Our great Captain Caffeine is about a trillion light-years away from his usual spot in the cosmos, doing super cool and high-spirited married things that bring new meaning and mirth to his life, while the rest of us have been stuck in the doldrums of dull work and the even duller day-to-day routine for another week. But not anymore! I am here with some good news, friends: We made it to another weekend, a time when not only does all this malaise die a most righteous death, but when real good living and rocking good times spring eternal for all who are willing and sufficiently wild. I’ve taken it upon myself to forge ahead without Caffeine–some might call this a minor act of mutiny, but let’s keep this positive–so tell me exactly why your life is going to be ridiculously enjoyable over the next few days. What are you doing? What will you experience? But most importantly, what on earth will you eat? Welcome to Weekend Open Bar with your temporary captain, Eduardo Pluto.

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[Whelp, this weekend is it. Samantha will officially become Samantha Omega this weekend, as she and I get married after a year and a half of planning. Trust me, Mr. and Mrs. Omega’s Open Bar will be flowing on Saturday evening.] [0101001010REDACT+DELETE]

Listen up! CAFFPOW is gettin’ hitched on Saturday! As such, he’s going to be a mess of matrimonial bliss, green-medicinal smoke cloud, and bubble-spirit brain-smash! Hell, I’m not even sure this post’ll list me as the writer, since I’m just messin’ up something CAFFPOW already wrote.

That’s right, you sons-of-bitches — it’s Rendar Frankenstein back in the house and I want to know what the hell you’re doin’ this weekend!

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Your are not your universe obliterating mega-crossover events. Your are not your variant covers, or your movie tie-ins, or even your love-affair with nostalgia. You are Jack’s Sagging Testicles. You are his Receding Hair-line, his Second Mortgage. You are Jack’s Enlarged Prostate, and you are Jack’s Pill Addiction. Welcome back to Fight Club, Marlas and Tylers. Welcome back to Buy These Futzing Comics. No rules here, my little space monkeys, only rad comics. Strap in, make sure you grab a name tag, and slide…

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They soar! Fuck limitations, man. Kick the hinges off the Impossible Door, and run into the Halls of Improbability dropping stone-cold stunners and rock bottoms! This is Monday Morning Commute. And together we shall brave the perpetual irradiation that is Life, uniting in some sort of Existential Voltron. Or! Or at the very least. With fingers with nails with caked-on Dominos pizza crust, we shall what we’re up to this week.

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I’m getting married in eight days, folks. Which means that this weekend is Bachelor Weekend. Where Rendar whisks me away to Portland, Maine. To commit all sorts of sins against the Elder Gods and New. I’m Opening The Bar Early, so that I can do it before I wade deep into the Atlantic Ocean never to be seen again. Hang here for a variety of reasons this weekend!

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