It’s Tuesday, somewhere. It’s Tuesday, here! But, is it really Tuesday here? Who knows when you’re accessing this. Or, how you’re accessing this. From a phone, in 2025? From the past, via a digital-psychic projection? Are you wallowing in flesh-bound linear timespace? Or, have you transcended? Am I even fucking alive when you read this? Am I even alive right now, as I type this/typed this/will be typing this? Man, I don’t fucking know.

What do I know? That I’m lucky enough to have a place to vomit about space. What do I know? That I’m lucky enough to have you fellow fellows who are willing to engage in my hippie stupidity! What do I know? That I’m about to share what I’m looking forward to this week, and then I’m going to humbly request you join me in the comments section!

How the fuck does that sound? Did that sound? Will that sound? Hopefully good/good/good!

This is Monday Morning Commute.

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Greetings and well-tidings, motherfucker! The All-Father himself has graced the post’s image this weekend! And that? It can only mean good things! How are you all, fellas? I apologize for going in absentia on Monday, but you know how it is! Oh, you don’t? Just busy, dudes. Teaching can be a real son of a bitch! Of course, we’re talking strictly time-wise. I love teaching, legit.

But, I’m here now! Fucking sweating! Fucking grooving! Ready to kickoff another weekend during this summer, during this pandemic, during this journey on Earth during the End of Days! I know, that got a bit morbid! However, all you motherfuckers can cheer me up!

How? By shooting the shit right here this weekend! At the Open Bar! It ain’t exactly the Gathering of the Juggalos (though ICP seems eerily progressive and pro-science these days), but we are definitely a collection of castaways, weirdos, and otherwise fantastical beasts. And I mean this in the best way possible!

So, let’s hang out this weekend! What are you playing? Some glorious misery porn in The Last of Us Part II? You watching anything? I just finished Mr. Robot, and I wholeheartedly recommend it! Or, perhaps you’re our own Eduardo Pluto! Quietly endeavoring to finish The Stand before me!

Whatever the case, let’s fucking party!

Woo, woo, baby! It’s the first fucking weekend of the summer semester, and I’m torqued! Got a little The Last of Us Part II to endure. Got The Warriors queued up for the flick tonight. As well, got a really impressive testicles-stink, with the muggy, hot weather descending upon the region. In other words, shit is definitely good. But, maybe they could be better? How, you ask? It’s fucking simple!

If you mofuckin’ denizens of the Space-Ship hang out with me this weekend, here at the Weekend Open Bar!

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Coming in late, motherfuckers! Really sprinting down the digital aisles, asshole flapping in the wind. Man, the things I do to get MMC up on the regular! Seriously though, it’s late! I’m tired! But, I’m feeling good. Today was the first day of my summer semester, and I’ve missed teaching like a motherfucker.

After class concluded, I went downstairs wild-eyed and jacked up. My wife Sam said I seemed “energized” and I think that’s accurate. Parts of my brain just activate when I’m teaching, and I’m going to level with you. I don’t feel as though what I did the final eight-weeks or so of the Spring semester really were teaching. Or learning. Just an odd, confusing miasma that the students and I waded through together.

Confusion, asynchronous assignments, endurance. Yup, that’s really all we fucking put into this past Spring. But, with a new semester arises new excitement. At this point, the expectations are clear on both ends. And, I can just focus on transmuting my madness into the digital world. My primary concern at this juncture? Not swearing so much, since I assume not all my students will be rocking headphones.

Mamma mia, I’m finally going to get fired.

Anyways, I’m here! As I said. Ass out. Smile on. Caffeine consumed. Ready to tell you what I’m up to this week! What I’m looking forward to, what I’m rocking out to, what I’m cocking out to. Then, I hope you’ll join me in the comments! Motherfuckers!

This is Monday Morning Commute!

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Gather ye rosebuds, motherfucker! ‘Cause entropy is gonna grip and rip that ass, just like it’s even gonna grip and rip the Universe’s ass. Man, what a fucking awful introduction! I’m sorry. I’m sorry! However, I’m not sorry it’s the fucking Weekend! Specifically, the last weekend before I begin teaching my summer course!

And! You know what that means, right? Fucking raging! Fucking raging so goddamn hard! Spitting blood into the wind, destroying my kidneys and synapses, and making all sorts of fucking mistakes! Prep the 911 call, make sure my wife has my last will and testament, and stay the fuck out of my way!

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Friends, we’re in the seasonal Gilded Age right now in the Northeast. The days are getting longer, the dusk is getting sexier, and the days are warm but not oppressive. It’s a wonderful development, given that really the outdoors are the only refuge from the pandemic. However, even if I could buy candles, shop for clothes, and load up on supplements, it would still be the outdoors I prefer. Especially given the weather these days.

Carpe the longer days and tank top weather, baby! But, that ain’t all I’m up to this week. And thus, therefore, verily, forsooth, something something, I’m going to share my happenings with you! Then, I hope you’ll join me in the comments section.

This is Monday Morning Mountain Biking Commute!

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Hey-o, hey-o, hey! Yeah, can you tell I got nothing, friends? Nothing much crackling right now, this Friday afternoon. However, the weekend? I’m not really sure! As I mentioned earlier this week, my anniversary is on Saturday. But, Sam has a busy weekend of yoga training, and I’ve got an inclination to celebrate it during more placid times. So, where does that leave me? Probably gaming, reading, and stroking!

In other words, business as usual. Which is okay. Which is okay! I mean, right? It’s gotta be okay, because it’s gotta be this way.

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The Universe, as expressed through time, don’t give two tugs of Fate’s tits about us, my friend. And in some ways, that’s pretty fucking freeing. Lord knows, we’re fucking it up down here with an alacrity and casualness that would definitely piss off most religion’s Gods. But, they don’t exist and we’re alone, and the Universe is just humming along. Indifferent, but wonderful. Detached, but in a sort of measured, comforting manner.

Anyways, the whole reason I started babbling about existence, the Cosmos not even mustering a shrug at humanity, and all this happy horseshit is thus: I’m celebrating my five-year anniversary on Saturday. What the absolute fuck, how the absolute fuck have five years passed already?

In many ways, 2015 was a severe mid-series reboot of my existence. To the extent that, while I don’t regret any of the choices, I would never stack such changes on top of one another so quickly. In the span of three months I got married, bought a house, and got a dog.

There was a moment that autumn where I asked myself, “Who the fuck am I? And what the fuck am I doing?” in a sort of feverish worry.

But, now it’s difficult to picture myself not living with my wife, walking my dog, or fondly returning to my small house. Which is an overly opaque way of saying I enjoy my life, and I find myself smiling now at the chaos. Perhaps that’s the goal, to be able to come out the other side of the Tumult, and be able to smile at it.

Who knows. I’m bloviating, per usual.

Only tangentially related to that saccharine blast of textual diarrhea is this here column, Monday Morning Commute! Or, maybe I’m just being disingenuous. ‘Cause when I think of what I enjoy most in my life, spending time here and on Twitch with the rest of the OL community is high on the list.

So my dudes, let’s hang out. Shoot the shit about what we’re getting into this week.

I’ll go first!

Shazam!

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Hey, friends! We’ve come out the other side of another week. And, it feels good! Lots of bullshit and miscellany peppering my tits this week! Planning for a summer class that has almost no form or guidance from above. The inexorable pain of not being able to take a crap, because I’m so fucking stressed. But, hey, whatever, the fucking week is over! I have my health, my job (for now), and Dulcolax!

Perhaps most importantly, I got this fucking community! And, I hope you’ll spend some time with me this weekend.

Let me know!

As the pandemic drones dully onward, what are you up to this weekend? To combat the ennui? To stave of the dreadful sense of perpetuity this whole ordeal is taking on? Are you going for a hike in the nice weather? Doing jackknifes into your pool? Lathering your nipples in sunscreen and sprinting through Target, screaming (while wearing a mask, obviously)?

It’s all fodder for fascinating conversation here at the Open Bar!

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I’m on vacation, but fuck I’m awful at enjoying it. Nothing says “I’m fucking crushing this relaxing thing” like waking up at 9:30 this morning, veins white-hot with irrational anxiety. But! I’m happy to say I have rallied since then. Took a two-mile walk, exercised a bit. Sucked in the rays from the Central Engine, and felt my rectum loosen just a bit. Just–a-bit. However, that’s better than nothing, right? And folks, good news.

I’m asking you to help loosen my rectum even further. That’s right, that’s right! Pull up a chair, and shoot the shit with me. Tell me what you’re looking forward to this week, and watch in glee-and-horror as the ole o-ring relaxes to a healthy sort of dour droop. I don’t ask for much, but I’m asking for this. Let us imbibe in the sweetened, honeyed nectar of community, together. And share in the experience of watching as he gets me where I need to be.

Please?

This is Monday Morning Commute.

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