#E3
E3 2014: Nintendo reveals Wii U ‘ZELDA’ game. Obvs coming in 2015.
I’ve been wanting a Wii U for a bit. Despite not selling particularly well, it’s amassed quite a sexy repertoire of first-party games. As seemingly all Nintendo systems as wont to do. Now it appears that I finally have a deadline for when I must acquire one by. Sort of. Nebulously. 2015. Why then? It’s when the new Zelda will be dropping.
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E3 2014: ‘FAR CRY 4’ Gameplay Demo & First Five Minutes
DO YOU LIKE CRYING WHILE FAR AWAY? Or how about USING WEAPONIZED PACHYDERMS? Far Cry 4 won my ass last night, and it’s currently shopping around for the lube it’s going to use to pleasure it. I’m ready, willing, and eager to get on with its complete domination of my fanboy g-spot.
E3 2014: ‘BATMAN: ARKHAM KNIGHT’ Trailer: Gotham is a beautiful s**thole
Man. Oh man. The E3 trailer for Batman: Arkham Knight is just flat-out showing off. And I’m completely fine with that. Gotham has never looked like a more beautifully shitty playground for The Bat-Guy and his fucking stunning Batmobile to romp around.
E3 2014: ‘GRAND THEFT AUTO V’ dropping on PS4/XB1/PC
One of the worst kept secrets has now transmuted itself into one of the biggest “yeah no shit” announcements at E3. Rockstar games has revealed that Grand Theft Auto V is coming to the Personal Computer, as well as the PS4 and XB1. Which is neat for me, because I dun fucking goofed and didn’t get around to the title when it was released last year.
E3 2014: ‘UNCHARTED 4: A THIEF’S END’ Trailer: Drake’s Last Crusade?
There are no words or phrases that could properly describe the fanboy squeal I let out upon seeing Nathan Drake’s next-gen model. But here are some attempts: pathetic, vaguely lustful, high-pitched, horny?, excited, jacked, pumped, somewhat sad, and overly excited.
E3 2014: ‘FAR CRY 4’ on PS4: Friend doesn’t need game to play with you
Far Cry 4 came on the screen during Sony’s E3 presser and promptly dominated my balls. However, Sony dropped a fucking bomb just as I was imploring a friend to buy the game so we could play together. If you want a friend to join in your epic mountainous battle with elephants and locales and shit, your friend doesn’t need to own the game. Wut.
E3 2014: ‘BLOODBORNE’ Reveal Trailer: The Darkest of Next-Gen Souls
The next game from the Sadistic Bastards behind the Dark Souls franchise has made is debut at E3. It’s Bloodborne, and it looks like straight-up Nightmare Fuel.
E3 2014: ‘SCALEBOUND’ Reveal Trailer: DEVIL MAY DRAGON HUNT
OH SHIT! Platinum Games with an XB1 exclusive? That’s the sort of thing that gets my jaded, XB1-neglecting ass to pay attention. It’s totally Devil May Cry Over Dragons or some shit, but whatever. Platinum Games don’t usually let me down. And any exclusive I can get quasi-pumped for is enough. Is that…is that sad? The level my expectations have been lowered to by E3?
E3 2014: ‘STAR WARS BATTLEFRONT’ Trailer: Return to that OG Feelin’
EA dropped a “trailer” for Star Wars Battlefront. Much like the “trailer” for New Mass Effect (Game 4): Not Shepherd, it’s mostly just people who I am sure are very nice flapping their gums about the process. Which interests me pretty much not at all. But it’s a “trailer!”, wee!
E3 2014: New ‘MASS EFFECT’ Trailer: Blah blah show me f**king gameplay
Here’s a “glimpse” at the new Mass Effect. But honestly it’s a whole goddamn pile of platitudes, empty rhetoric, “conceptual artwork” and happy horse shit. Someone give me a goddamn look at the actual game. Like, I’d take ten seconds of actually something over this minute+ of pretty much hot air.
