#Comic Books
My fave comics site, COMICS ALLIANCE is shut down.
Fuck. Comics Alliance has long been my favorite comic book site. Sure it is owned by those same pigs at AOL who shut them down. Sure. However, I often found them a balm to soothe the agitating bullshit of websites like CBR. A site which should be more accurately known as Slinging The Corporate Titles Through Inflated Nonsense Reviews. Okay, that isn’t the most catchy title. But still. Despite being owned by those pigs, they often generated wonderful articles, entertaining news, and…other positive adjectives. It’s with a heavy heart that I read about their closure, and I wish all of them well.
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Boston Comic Con postponed? Go to BEVERLY COMIC CON SUCKER!
Bummed out that the Boston Comic Con is cancelled? We at OL certainly are. It was going to be the first time we rolled out the Fuck Lucas ruckus to our native state. Don’t sweat too much, folks! There is an alternative. A friend of mine and ridiculously talented dude Adam Miller is involved with a replacement ditty taking place in Beverly. The Boston Comic Con Sucker!
DC teases JOKER’S DAUGHTER’S debut in NEW 52. Frankly, I didn’t know she existed.
Duela Dent is coming to the New 52! Hide your kids, hide your wives. Jesus Christ, talk about a stale cultural reference. Fuck you, Caff! Anyways, yeah. Joker’s Daughter is coming to the refried DC Universe. Perhaps this excites you. Frankly, I didn’t even know the Joker had a daughter. I understand this is a cascading wave of comic book failure raising towards me.
Amazon rolls out KINDLE COMIC CREATOR. Make them funnies into Kindle books.
Another avenue has opened up for independent funny book mind-makers. (What?) Kindle has rolled out their Comic Creator, which allows people to convert their comic books into Kindle-format electronic somethings. Like all things given to us by The Man, you have to share a bit of the profit. But it’s got to be good for getting your name out there, I assume?
Monday Morning Commute: Durban’s dilemma
If there was one thing Durban hated, it was his bedside electronic crow.
Every morning, every goddamn morning, the metal-feathered automaton would leave its battery-perch, hover above the bed, and screech directly into Durban’s face. It didn’t matter to the faux-fowl whether Durban had a day off from the mineral farm or if he was dreaming of his ex-girlfriend from Jupiter or if he was in the midst of an ethanol-fueled fever dream. And this is why it was such an effective companion.
`Cause at 5:45 AM, the electronic crow was guaranteed to terror-scream Durban back into consciousness.
To be fair, Durban recognized the practical value of his name-brand, top-of-the line robot-rooster. After all, he wasn’t going to wake up and go to work completely of his own volition. And who could blame him? It takes a special sort of masochism to rise early enough to catch the first boneshaking Teleport-Shuttle of day to Rhea, the most bastardly of Saturn’s moons, only to spend the next eight hours scavenging for traces of Lupillian.
Goddamn.
But without the bird, Durban wouldn’t get to Rhea on time. And if Durban didn’t get to Rhea on time, there’s no chance an operator would save him an excavator. And if Durban didn’t excavate Lupillian, he wouldn’t be able to pay his rent. And on most days, the thought of not paying his rent on time positively horrified him.
But on one fantastic Monday morning, Durban decided that his hatred of the crow was more palpable than his fear of landlord-ire.
5:45 AM crept into existence, and the crow came to life. Shaking itself off of its docking station, the bird began to flutter upwards. But Durban had awoken nearly a half-hour before, plagued by a crotch-burn no doubt gifted to him by the discount Prosti-Clone he’d rented on Ganymede. So with one eye open and a fire plaguing his urethra, Durban waited for his every-morning adversary to strike first.
“CAW! CAW! THE CURRENT TIME IS FIVE-FORTY-FIVE ANTE-MERIDIEM! CAW! CA-“
Whoosh! The whiskey bottle spiraled through the air! Smash! The crow simply hadn’t been programmed to anticipate such an attack, and as such its beak was decimated by the hard glass corner of the bottle’s ass. The bird spent its last few seconds writhing in robo-agony, head caved in and vital sparks bleeding into the air.
“Well, I guess ya still woke me up, eh?” Durban was crouching down to assess the damage. Seeing that the target was destroyed, he took a self-satisfied swig from the whiskey bottle and walked over to his much-littered coffee table. From the table, Durban snatched a stack of comic books.
“Fuck work. And fuck birds. Today, I’m drinkin’ and readin’ comics.”
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Welcome to the Monday Morning Commute! As OL’s weekly gathering for entertainment show-and-tell, the MMC is digital nerd-discussion at its finest. Here’s how it works: I’m going to showcase some of the fun-stuffs I’ll be munching on throughout the week. Then, you hit up the comments section and show off the enjoyment-snacks you’ll be stuff into your own mind-gullet. In the process, we geek out and debate and talk all sorts of nonsense.
It’s wonderful.
Let’s go for it!
Apple bans ‘SAGA’ #12 from comiXology because of gay sex, Brian K. Vaughan is all “we ain’t compromising anything.”
There is a storm coming, Annie! Grab Jar Jar Binks, and get your ass inside. Apple has banned the sale of Saga #12 from the comiXology app in their store, igniting an understandable uproar. Despite other issues having rather gratuitous rotting testicles and the such, this is the first issue of Saga to receive the ban. Most people are explaining the discrepancy by pointing out the fact that this issue of Saga depicts *gasp* gay sex. Oh boy.
Kevin Wada’s ALL FEMALE ”X-MEN’ got style out the ass.
A good goddamn, Kevin Wada’s envisioning of an (the?) all female X-Men is stunning. There is always something thrilling about seeing a talented artist bake a set of superheroes in actual fashion. You know, as opposed to the vag-n-butt highlighting nonsense they’re usually thrown into.
DC’s NEXT CROSSOVER pits JUSTICE LEAGUE teams against one another. Snore?
Jesus titty-fucking a kangaroo, this is dumb. We’re not even a year removed from Avengers fighting X-Men fighting Tediousness, and we have DC doing their best imitation of the Event. Oh sure I’m sure there will be marginal differences, but come on. Come onnn. The only thing more played out than the ennui-inducing concept of a super team is having those teams that populate a company’s universe fighting one another.
Dark Horse adapting insane FIRST ‘STAR WARS’ script. Pure Madness.
Madness strikes! Dark Horse is adapting the first script for Uncle George’s Star Wars. The entire enterprise is the result of hard drugs, lizard fetishes, and terrible plots. I cannot wait to buy this.
JEFF LEMIRE’S new comic ‘TRILLIUM’ gets a release date. Sweet! (Tooth?)
Glory, glory, glory unto the highest! Actually, that shit may have been more germane yesterday. Anyhoo, we should be thankful to something. Why? We should give thanks and praise because Jeff Lemire’s next mini-series finally has a release date. Fuck yeah.
