Call in this debts. Sell those organs. Dance in the dumpster behind 7-Eleven while I flick quarters at you, yelling “eat the banana peel! eat it!” You’re going to need every last dollar if you want to buy this copy of Action Comics #1.

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Chuck Palahniuk’s Fight Club sequel is happening. Love it or hate. It’s coming down the pipe, and all of us Ikea Boy Dick Lord haters can either smack of acceptance, or rage. After deep thought, fanboy stroking, and contemplation, I’m going to roll the dice. Palahniuk’s pitch seems interesting, and the talent around him is considerable.

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Ohhh man. You can hear the fanboys pulling their pubes out in hatred. Gnashing their teeth, particles of enamel and specks of drool hitting their keyboard as they type in hate. A female Thor? And now a black Captain America? Gracious.

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Warren Ellis and Mike Allred are teaming up for a Bacardi graphic novel. Which is something you definitely don’t see coming. Though to be truthful, it is probably folly to plot Warren Ellis’ moves. And I suppose Mike Allred’s too.

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Nary a week ago my fiancee told me she wanted to be Thor. She asked if there was a female equivalent, and I said Valkyrie. But I followed it up by saying fuck that. You be Thor, if that’s what you’re feeling. Don’t take some mitigated, half-character. Bullshit. And now my prophetic suggestion has become fucking canon. This ain’t “Lady Thor”, this ain’t “Femme 63 Thor”, it’s the bonafide God of Thunder.

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Jason Aaron and Ron Garney are taking their talents to Marvel’s Icon imprint. The two dudes are using the publishing venue to hang Men of Wrath on the world, which has me sold based on the fucking title alone.

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Chip Zdarsky isn’t just fucking crushing it as the artist on Sex Criminals. He’s also one of my favorite Twitter accounts to follow. Madness, madness everywhere! And while I cry at what Snyder is doing to the DCU, at least Zdarsky could make me laugh for a moment.

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Well! Sign me the fuck up! Slap a sticker on my tits that reads “Fucking Sold, Thrice Over.” The tale of Hellboy’s tail and his first mission (completely unnecessary punning? if this that a pun?) is coming to comic book pages, and it is stacked with talent. Not just because it’s story a by Mike Mignola and John Arcudi. No ma’am. No sir. The title is also getting artwork from Alex fucking Maleev.

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This is what happens when you read only like five Marvel comic books like me. You have no idea that there is even the necessity for a new Captain America, because you don’t know that Steve Rogers has lost his Super Soldier Serum. People are saying it may be Falcon. FWIW THOUGH? Bucky Barnes and his Robot Arm are The Shield’s OTP.

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Science fiction authors love makin’ up swear words.  Frak.  Frag.  Frell.  Ruttin’.  Hawkeye’s Clint Barton likes to say “futz” or “futzing,” my personal favorite.  All very creative ways of dropping the holiest of curses and squeaking past the censors, or an easy way of adding flavor to a world without using descriptors.  The little critter pictured above, Rocket Racoon, even has one:  Flark.  And, oh boy, does he use it.  All the flarking time.  In fact, despite being a cute, anthropomorphic mammal, he really is a foul-mouthed, violent little fucker.  Luckily for us, he’s bringing those tendencies to a brand new ongoing book this week!  So step inside and lets talk some futzing comics, shall we?

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