Amazing Spider-Man #638
Alright, fuck every other comic that is coming out this week, I want to talk about Peter Parker. This week, the Spider-Man event One Moment In Time is kicking off. The event is in response to the other Spidey event that took place in 2007. That shiz was called Brand New Day. In this wonderful arc, Spider-Man was faced with a choice presented by Mephisto. Mephisto was all like, “Yo, I can save your dying Aunt May. But in return, you will never have married Mary Jane.”

Somehow, and for some reason, Peter Parker decided that this was a solid deal. What a dumb bastard. He chose his rickety old fucking Aunt May, over his gorgeous, accepting supermodel wife? This shit has irked me for some time now. Dude Pete, she ain’t even your Mom, yo. I know, I know, same thing, close enough, blah blah blah. So poof! With a wink and a nod, and probably some magical smoke that makes people disappear and stuff, Mary Jane and Peter Parker were never married.

Somehow.

Why’d it happen?

Well, it happened because Mephisto wanted Parker’s love. Or something. But we know why it really happened: because Marvel had no idea what the fuck to do with Peter Parker anymore. Parker was the character that apparently everybody related to growing up. I didn’t, I was a total X-Men dude. I was more comfortable running around with a pack of mutants, watching Wolverine gut dudes and totally talk smack to Scotty Summers and secretly hitting on Jean Grey.

[As a brief aside, did you ever consider Wolverine’s enhanced senses? Like, what’d they be like in the bedroom? I imagine sniffing a pair of panties with his leet skills is either the greatest thing ever, or he passes out and goes semi-catatonic.]

But anyways, people related to him. Why? Because he was dorky, and disaffected. Because he didn’t fit in, and he had typical teenage angst, and he had a rough go of things. His parents were dead, he kept waking up with webbing in his pants thinking about watching Mary Jane cheerleading at the pep rally.

Peter Parker married to Mary Jane?

That shit changes everything! Parker wasn’t angsty anymore, he wasn’t unfulfilled. He was a middle-class teacher, married to a gorgeous supermodel who accepted him for all his quirks and the fact that he dresses up in tights and fights giant reptiles. Acceptance. Evolution. Before Brand New Day, Parker wasn’t the character that people had grown up to love, who was eminently relatable. He was normal. And apparently that was boring enough, and scary enough, and far enough away from his “roots” as Joe Quesada put it, that they had to use one of the most contrived storyline mechanics I can recall to pull it off.

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[via slashfilm | click to enlarge]

Hello true believers! How do you feel about more awkward, well-lit pictures from the Thor movie set?! Designed to simultaneously excite you, but make you worry, because something about them doesn’t look quite right? This shit looks like it was taken with a disposable camera from a hot air balloon.

via slashfilm:

A new photo from Marvel Studio’s big screen adaptation of Thor was released in today’s print edition of the Los Angeles Times. The new photo reveals a wide angle view of the epic set of the Hall of Asgard, featuring a kneeling Thor (Chris Hemsworth), Asgardians Fandral the Dashing (Josh Dallas), Hogun the Grim (Tadanobu Asano) and Frigga (Rene Russo); and Odin (Anthony Hopkins) and Loki (Tom Hiddleston) both sporting ceremonial helmets

The set looks dope though, I’ll give them that. Here’s hoping it all translates well to film. If not? Forsooth, and shit!

[via Pulphope]

Trying to remember how to draw R2-D2 while waiting on some pasta last night. Realized I never looked at him very closely.

Paul Pope doodling Star Wars? Nerd heaven.

[via slashfilm : click to enlarge]

In case you can’t tell, I’m pretty interested in the Thor movie. I know there’s douchey Green Lanterns out there, and that X-Men: First Class movie that’s getting fast tracked and is going to suck. But I’m in it to win it with Norse Thunder and the Asgardian Bromites. So with that said, I’m digging this picture released today, from what I’m assuming is the same issue of EW that has the Green Lantern crap.

It looks decidedly less lame, a bit more in context, and the outfits appear to cost more than $10.

[via robot 6]

I don’t know where this is from – an cover, a panel, or artwork of his, but this Frank Quitely depiction of Damian, Brucey and Dicky is too win to not share.

[via slashfilm : click to enlarge]

Oh lord. Here’s the first shot of Ryan Reynolds as Green Lantern. Much like I’m floating the entire accompaniment of dorks in the Thor picture from yesterday a pass, I’ll try and do the same for Reynolds. Maybe he won’t look as douchey when he’s in context. Flying around. Being dumb Ryan Reynolds.

Or something.

[images & words is the comic book pick-of-the-week at OL. equal parts review and diatribe, the post highlights the most memorable/infuriating/entertaining book released that wednesday]

I am a Web-Centurion, presiding over the dominion of OL. My assignment is to patrol the rusty, corroding gates of this kingdom. Not only am I responsible for determining who may or may not enter the realm, but I can also prevent subjects from leaving.

Today, a wild-eyed elder tried to make a speedy exit. I hopped off of my turbo-bike and delivered a swift boot to his midsection. When he finally regained his faculties, I asked him who he was. What his trade was. Why he was trying to leave the lands of Caffeinated Wonder-Bliss.

He explained that he was a narrative-alchemist. That he had come up with a powerful elixir, a curative concoction that could help countless folk. I didn’t want to believe him, as I generally distrust old people. But the way he described his new potion, the earnestness with which he spoke, made me less violent. Strangely, I found his message endearing.

I let him pass. Even though I should have killed him. I sincerely hope his formula for a “comick” sees the light of day.

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The whirlwind continues! Who the funk shall be playing the nerdy scientist/green avalanche of destruction, rippling muscle, and awesome purple shorts? Mark Ruffalo? Maybe?

via slashfilm:

Deadline reports is that Mark Ruffalo is in ‘late stage talks’ to be the new Bruce Banner and Incredible Hulk in The Avengers. That’s all the info we’ve got right now, but I love the idea. I’ve enjoyed Ruffalo’s work for a long time, and while his basic mode is pretty much the polar opposite of The Avengers, I think he could be great fun. Think of his performance in The Brothers Bloom modulated by his serious but pulpy work in Shutter Island. Yeah, this may do nicely. More details as they come in.

UPDATE: THR says that the deal-making process for Ruffalo isn’t as far along as Deadline made it sound. According to the trade, an offer is out to Ruffalo, which he is considering, but he hasn’t met with Joss Whedon. THR says they may meet late this week or over the pre-Comic Con weekend.

Mark Ruffalo was in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. That’s enough for me. Sold.com It’s interesting to see as Marvel is scrambling like fuck to get someone cast. You just know their wet dreams involved being able to roll out the entire ensemble at ComiCon.

Edward Norton? No!

Joaquin Phoenix? No!

Mark Ruffalo? Maybe!

Welcome to Variant Covers! Your go-to for blathering about weekly comic releases. Forsooth! Apologies for bringing you this worthless slap-dab piece of bologna on a Wednesday! I encountered difficulties yesterday that I could not foresee. Sometimes a man must storm a bingo game armed only with a kabuki mask and genitals slathered in toothpaste. And sometimes that man must be screaming at the top of his lungs that the “Menthol burns so well” and that his “Seed can rejuvenate the most lost one here!” And apparently that results in getting arrested. Land of the free my ass.

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The Bulletproof Coffin #2
Did you check out the first Bulletproof Coffin when it dropped? Yes? Well, then you are a superior organic being! I did not. I did not hear about it until a generous reader of this column decided to eradicate the clouds of my dumb-assery with the bright beams of illumination. Plato’s Cave and all that shit! And sadly, even if I had known about it, my comic book shop wouldn’t have carried it. You see, this comic book is by Image, doesn’t feature modern day superhero theatrics, and is really, really, weird.

If you’re like me!, hop over to a fucking free digital copy of the first issue here.

Being only two issues deep, I’m not particularly certain what the whole jib-jab is about yet. The first issue had a good butt-load of things going on. And we’re talking like, the butt-load of an enormous ass. Cavernous. Cottage-cheesed out like you wouldn’t believe.

On the surface, the comic book is about a dude named Steve, who cleans out dead people’s houses. One day he comes across a house filled with ridiculous Golden Age nostalgia, featuring issues of comic books that went past what he thought were their last issues. Taking the shiznit home, he reads the comic, put out by Golden Nugget, which was put out of business by Big 2. After which, he fiddled around with the dead dude’s television, only to watch what he thinks is the dude’s death.

It’s complicated. I’m not going it justice. But I promise, it’s fantastic.

So on one level we have an exploration of the comic book industry, and the death of the Golden Age. Major props for Steve commenting on how much he hated “Z-Men: The Final Meltdown.” Weaving through it, we seem to be getting an exploration of Steve’s life, as he returns to his mundane existence with family and children, only to hide in the attic in bask in his past. It’s the sort of archetypal story of Golden Pasts and Disappointing Futures that I’ve come to love.

And? It’s really, really odd. Buy it. You’ll love it.

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Superman #701
This week, J. Michael comes aboard the Superman train. And coming aboard what he calls his “dream job” or something and such, he’s bringing the heat! Yessir, we’re going to be getting what we’ve wanted finally in a Superman book: walking. Uh. Wait? What?

Walking?

THE MENTHOL BURNS SO GOOD!

J. Michael has Superman walking cross-country in “Grounded”, which is apparently a twelve-issue storyline. Oh good lord. Seriously? I can respect the idea, which is to have Superman connect with his human side and get to know people and the like. However. However! Grant Morrison wrote the most human Superman in years in his run on All-Star, and he did it while having the Man of Heat Vision performing some absolutely ridiculous feats.

There’s a way to intertwine the two worlds, without having to take twelve-issues to have him walking across country.

That said, maybe it’ll be good. Who knows! This fence I’m sitting on?! It’s so comfortable!

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Over the weekend, it was announced that Edward Norton was not gonna be Brucey Banner no more. It was all totally contentious.

Marvel talked shit:

via slashfilm:

Our decision [to recast the role] is definitely not one based on monetary factors, but instead rooted in the need for an actor who embodies the creativity and collaborative spirit of our other talented cast members.

Then Edward Norton’s agent fired back:

via slashfilm:

Here are the facts:   two months ago, Kevin called me and said he wanted Edward to reprise the role of Bruce Banner in The Avengers.   He told me it would be his fantasy to bring Edward on stage with the rest of the cast at ComiCon and make it the event of the convention.   When I said that Edward was definitely open to this idea, Kevin was very excited and we agreed that Edward should meet with Joss Whedon to discuss the project.   Edward and Joss had a very good meeting (confirmed by Feige to me) at which Edward said he was enthusiastic at the prospect of being a part of the ensemble cast.   Marvel subsequently made him a financial offer to be in the film and both sides started negotiating in good faith.   This past Wednesday, after several weeks of civil, uncontentious discussions, but before we had come to terms on a deal, a representative from Marvel called to say they had decided to go in another direction with the part.   This seemed to us to be a financial decision but, whatever the case, it is completely their prerogative, and we accepted their decision with no hard feelings.

And what should have been a quiet weekend letting nerds like me jack off in peace turned into something interesting. I’m pretty bummed that Eddie is out. He’s one of my favorite actors, and the idea that I could have seen him and RDJ on screen at the same time was totally invigorating to my southern continent.

Today it came out that Joaquin Phoenix may be the dude to fill Norton’s shoes in the Avengers movie.

via chud:

Reliable sources tell me that Marvel has already put out an offer, and the actor they’ve spoken to is Joaquin Phoenix, believe it or not. Phoenix is taking time to mull over the offer and the bigger implications – Marvel may yet resurrect the Hulk franchise – but Marvel hopes to have him in place by Comic Con, which is when they want to announce their new Bruce Banner.

Shit be percolating for sure. If Norton has to leave, why not cast someone who is bat shit crazy like Joaquin Phoenix? I’m sort of feeling it. Drop your thoughts in the comments box.