Choker #1

The first issue of Choker is coming out this week, and I’m jazzed because I’m a huge glutton for Ben Templesmith’s work. You may know him as the artist and co-creator of 30 Days of Night, or the co-creator of the barely-ever-released but no less awesome Fell. There’s something about his artwork that I can really get into, and so when I heard that he was putting this out with writer Ben McCool I was stoked. And if that wasn’t enough, McCool’s explanation of what the title was about sounded as though it came from the rotting canals of my own brain:

I guess I’d better lay down the disclaimers, then: language used is dastardly goings-on are repellent, and the characters are so lewd you’ll feel like only an industrial-strength jet wash will be able to rinse your tarnished conscience clean. Put simply, we’re hoping to give Bill O’Reilly a Rush Limbaugh-resembling hernia.

It’s a rotting, filthy noir fable. How the fuck can you not get amped for that? Wait, you mean you’re not a glutton for perversity and depravity? I can’t relate to that.

Batman and Robin #8

It really saddens me that Batman and Robin, a title that was created for Dick Grayson and Damian Wayne couldn’t twelve or so issues before delving back into the monotonous resurrection of Bruce Wayne. And if that isn’t enough, consider the fact that we know the actual return is coming in a stand alone title, Batman: The Return of Bruce Wayne. So what the fuck is going on in the pages of Batman and Robin? Why, they’re trying to bring Bruce back to life! It all just screams of redundancy and lack of progress.

Who the fuck knows, I could be wrong.

It is upsetting to me that an interesting storyline involving Grayson trying to wear the cloak and embrace the burden of filling his pseudo-father’s shoes has been canned so quickly into its run. Whether or not the timeline was intentional or not, I am the unhappy because everything is switching so quickly back to the Bruce Wayne type thang. There’s some speculation that Bruce could return and not be Batman, or even that the dude’s displaced spirit is going to be caged in the body of Damian and, and, and…I don’t fucking know, I don’t care.

So this week we find the emaciated, laser-blasted corpse of Bruce rising from the Lazarus Pit. I don’t need ingenuity or textual analysis to figure out that it isn’t going to work, I only need to look at the list of DC events this year to figure out that this attempt is going to be a steaming failure pile.

That’s the bad. The good? Well, the storyline is being written by Morrison, who has been Batman’s curator for the past few years, and as usual, I dig it. If you want to look aside all the annoying seemingly financial aspects of the storyline, Morrison continues to drill into Grayson’s psyche for interesting examination. While reading this newest arc where Grayson so badly wants to succeed in bringing Bruce back, there comes a debate. Is Grayson really bringing back Bruce out of a promise to be there and protect him always, or is it a selfish motivation, because he can’t handle manning the wheel of the Batmobile himself?

Grayson’s motivations have been interesting throughout. The dude had to don the Cape almost out of necessity, to prevent a pack of assholes from Damian to Jason Todd inheriting it. And since wearing it, he has been fumbling through the motions, trying to distance the symbol of the Cape from the symbol of the Man who previously wore it.

Hit-Monkey #1

Listen, it’s a fucking Monkey Assassin. You’re not sold? You’re saying it isn’t worth your three-dollars? C’mon now! I don’t know anything about Hit-Monkey, other than the cover features a monkey dual-wielding pistols in some dramatic pose. Apparently he’s from one of the seventy-three Deadpool titles that I don’t read. I’m so out of touch. I’m like the Awkward Uncle of comic book readers, I think I’m still hip but I’m sitting here in an Age of Apocalypse t-shirt covered in chunky peanut butter and wearing no pants.

That said, I bet it’s somewhere between “entertaining” and “not worth my money”. I’ll give it a whirl, since I’m comics-curious. And when I say I’ll give it a shot, I mean I’ll buy it and it’ll sit in the rest of my backlog, gathering dust and grimy fingerprints.

The entire week in Marvel seems dedicated to variant covers featuring Deadpool, and I’m on a nostalgic trip. I remember the good ole days when everything had a variant cover. If it wasn’t a tin-foil, ultra-rare, holographic, four-dimensional cover featuring Savage Dragon, I didn’t want anything to do with that shit! And it seems the good days have returned! Yes! This week you can get Deadpool variant covers of shit like Amazing Spider-Man, Invincible Iron Man, Wolverine Savage, X-Men Forever, and yes, more.

This will cure the ailments of the comic book industry! Variant covers! It’s all so simple, why didn’t they try this like fifteen years ago. Oh, they did. Collect them all to be a true asshole!

Man, I ain’t read shit in two weeks. There’s comic books piling up on my computer desk at an increasingly rapid rate. They sit there, begging to be read. I tell them, “Shh children, I will attend to thee soon”, and then I return to whatever activity I am currently caught-up in. All of this shit started when I began my grad school classes last week and I actually had to read real things.

The fucking pile continues to increase in enormity, and then it begins to intimidate me. I’m all “Holy fucking shit, I have ten comics I have to read”, and I say to myself that I don’t want to short change them, so I say “I’ll read them when I’m not exhausted and resentful of the written word.” Apparently, the time when that occurs is never. Sure, I could be logical and just read one at a time but that makes too much sense.

The entire thing runs tandem with a desire to actually comprehend the shit I’m reading. Earlier last year, I realized a several of things. First that I read comic books and things in general way too quickly. And because of this, two things happen, I retain very little of what I’ve read over the long term, and I analyze even less. I thought it was something just particular to me, but I asked around and some of my friends shared the same plight. They read a lot, but what happens and to whom slips their mind quickly.

Of course, it’s all compounded by the fact that you have to wait an entire month for the next installment, and you’re reading ten or twenty titles at a time. Everything begins to blur and blend and the next thing you know, you’re thinking of Daredevil fighting Cyclops while Batman jacks it in the corner. And as far as actually picking apart what was going on in the comic books? I really wasn’t.

So I decided to do what a college professor and mentor of mine recommended back in the day, “Read more, less.” Spend more time reading less material, and thereby ingesting that shit more thoroughly. But of course, that shit takes way more time than rushing through an issue, checking out the epic fights and the snappy dialogue. As well it requires a bit more of a higher brain function, and for anyone who reads this column regularly, it is apparent I struggle at composing sentences that are halfway intelligible, and don’t contain the word “cock” or “cunt” every other noun.

So along the way, and adopting something my bro told me, I really only allow myself to read a comic book every half an hour or so. It stems from him telling everyone and anyone to only read one issue of Watchmen a day back when all of our friends were checking it out prior to the movie release. It made sense to me, and since then I try and give every comic book its own time. Maybe the actual reading won’t take a half an hour, but then I’ll sit there, and rework what happened in my head. Recall the main characters, ask myself what is going on thematically.

I may be doing this while writing something up, or while vegging out to a video game. But there’s a secondary ingestion that goes on after I eat up the comic book itself. And by god, the shit has worked. My memory retention has gone up, my appreciation for the underlying shit has increased, and I have found it way more fulfilling that I did prior to adopting this method.

And then grad school came in and fucked it all up.

I’ve found myself reading five-hundred pages a week, going over dense literature and scholarly articles, and by golly, it vexes my brain. When I throw three or four hours a day into the wind by reading something by Sarah Fielding, my brain is spent. My eyes hurt, and I can’t fathom staring at more pages or giving them worthwhile attention. So I say to myself, “I’ll get to them when I can give them the attention they deserve”, which it seems, is never, lately.

Maybe my entire process is too rigorous, especially for a guy who reads almost exclusively books featuring aliens named Clark and fascists named Bruce and genetic freaks named Scott Summers. Maybe I’m digging too deep into them, but I’ve always thought there was something to be said for what is being done in the more “mindless” comic books featuring the typical tired tropes and enormous muscles.

Interlude out, regularly scheduled vapidity will return next week.

Joe The Barbarian #1

Grant Morrison is one of my favorite bros rocking comics these days. I know he isn’t perfect, but that’s what unconditional love (fanboyism) is about: accepting your crushes with their warts and all. I still have no idea what the hell happened in Final Crisis, aside from Batman getting shot with some lasergun and being transported into the paleolithic age or some shit. However, one of my biggest butt-crushes is dropping a new comic this week, and I can’t help but fap vigorously at the idea of a new title by him.

Joey the Barbs follows a teenage kid thrown into some sort of fantasy world filled with ninja commandos and other absurdity. Whether it is typical teenage escapism, as Joe flees from a Dad felled by the war in Iraq and high school stress, or something more fantastical, I’m intrigued. I can’t remember Morrison writing something from the perspective of a teenager, but my brain is rotting at a ludicrous rate. Morrison’s wonderfully drugs-addled brain is sure to come up with some surreality. Here’s hoping that the plot is as comprehensible as the premise seems interesting.

Mighty Avengers #33

Oh Norman Osborn, you fucking bastard! Would you believe that an Avengers title finds Norman Obsorn being all sorts of dastardly, trying to wield the Cosmic Cube? Yeah, me either. Dude is as played out as Dane Cook, and sucks just as much. But so yeah, the fourteen Avengers teams seem to be grouping up together to try and stop the Iron Patriot, or some shit. Tired of the forty-five Avengers titles? Help is on the way, my dear child. After Siege, Marvel is canceling all the titles, and I assume stripping them down to one or two titles. Which is good, because it’s hard to keep track of what is going on these days in the Marvel Universe.

Even Hitler has no fucking clue what’s going on:

Keep Reading »

[variant covers is a comic books column every tuesday that breaks down the various titles coming out that week in the world of hyper-exposition and immortality]

Jennifer Love Hewitt’s Music Box #2

Don’t worry guys, the comic book industry is saved from the precipice of doom. You see, Jennifer Love Hewitt’s Music Box comes out this week, and Jesus Christ, I can’t wait. As I scanned across a barren release list – as usual, your recommendations welcome, I’m comic-curious – I saw this gem. Beckoning to me from across the wasteland. Ian it said. Hold me. Buy me. Love me. I am Jennifer Love Hewtti’s Vaginal…er, Music Box, and I’m here to pleasure your geek senses.

Alright fuck that, what the hell is going on?

The Music Box brings us a unique and amazing story every issue, from time-traveling to chicks kissing guys judging from this cover. I read up on some interviews with Love Hewitt regarding the comic, and this is what I distilled from them: Blah blah, yadda yadda, my name is carrying the title while I still go out with David Spade or whoever.

Not only is the most absurd comic book I’ve seen this side of Tyrese’s Mayhem! comic book, but it also features a relic from my comic book past: Scott Lobdell. Nerds like me grew up on a steady diet of X-Men comic books, and the dude manning the helm was Mr. Lobdell. While I did due diligence and gobbled up the glorious years by Claremont, it was Lobdell who was responsible for the new issues coming out every month. And now? Now the dude is writing a comic that was vomited out of the empty shell of Hewitt’s skull.

How my heroes have fallen. Sure, when I went back and looked at Lobdell’s run on X-Men it was filled with hyper-exposition, countless hanging plot lines, and general blah, but I have a nostalgic love for the guy. He gave me Onslaught, the Age of Apocalypse, and is a big part of the reason I even fell in love with the funny book. I love you Scotty, come back to us.

Action Comics #885

I don’t have any clue what is going on with Action Comics at the moment, but reading through the promo, it says that Nightwing is in the title. What the fuck is going on here? Are we going to get to the point where there’s two Bruce Waynes, Nightwing as Batman, and Nightwing as Nightwing? Or something? I have no fucking clue what’s going on. Dil-Hole is stepping into Superman’s shoes while he is being prosecuted for killing someone, Nightwing is running around while Dick Grayson is Batman and uh, stuff?

Brightest Day

Not coming out tomorrow, but worth mentioning in the comic book world is BRIGHTEST DAY. DC is unveiling their next step in Operation: Fuck Your Wallet. Following up Blackest Night is a biweekly, 26-issue title written by Geoff Johns.   With a gag-worthy tagline, “After the Blackest Night, comes the Brightest Day!”, DC seems ready to drag their universe into something decidedly less depressing. I’m down with that. Listen man, we got enough shit going down in the real world – like Jennifer Love Hewitt writing comics and Conan O’Brien getting axed. Let’s get some happy fluffy bullshit going on in the DC universe.

However, anything that comes out weekly, or biweekly really fucks your wallet in the ass. And I haven’t been a fan of all of   DC’s other attempts at an enormous weekly comic, be it Trinity, or 52, or Money Grab or whatever they’re called. Wednesday Comics was decent, but it was more of an experiment than the aforementioned 52 and gang.

Die Hard Year One #4

Friends, your prayers have been answered. How many times during Live Free or Die Hard did you say to yourself, “Fuck, I really wish I could get the story behind the formative years of the American Hero John McClane!” Well, now you can! Straight off the alps of Awesomeness and into your pull list is Die Hard Year One! And this week issue #4 sees the epic conclusion to the first arc! John McClane is stuck on a luxury boat that has been targeted by ecoterrorists! Oh. Snap. Not 1980’s ecoterrorists! I bet they’re dumping a shit load of those old school styrofoam McDonald’s packaging into the ocean! They must be stopped! If there’s one thing that John McClane hates more than having to hop harrier jets, it fascists that don’t respect the environment!

They’re so fucked!

[variant covers is a column every tuesday that breaks down the various titles coming out that week in the world of telekinesis and titty shots]

Siege #1
Marvel isn’t wasting any time this year. They’re straight-up kicking off the first publishing week of 2010 by rocketing straight into their magnum opus, Siege. In a staggering bout of dumb-assery, Norman Osborn has decide it is time to throw down with the lords of Asgard. I’m not sure what sort of excessive hubris you have to be packing to decide you want to fuck with the Gods, but apparently the voices in Osborn’s head have it. So Obsorn, and his douchebag brigade of cronies, the DARK AVENGERS are going to stomp right into Asgard and I assume, ultimately get tore the fuck up.

I’m sold.

At its simplest, Siege is an excuse for Marvel to have Osborn battle a bunch of deities, which seems to result in the fractured core Avengers getting back together and putting a stink on the Green Goblin’s face. It’s been such a long time since Stark and Rogers and Mr. Thor got together to lay thunder and shield and repulsor ray on a common enemy. Ever since Civil War, they’ve been spread out across a multitude of realms. Steve Rogers is straight trippin’ balls after getting shot into the plot of Slaughterhouse-5, Tony Stark has reduced himself to a vegetable, and Thor? I’m not really sure what he’s been up to.

Marvel is branding it as the culmination of seven years of plotline, and I’m ready for it baby. If I had to live another year with Norman Osborn running pretty much everything, I was going to rip out asshair and fashion a stankbeard. I’m hoping that Steve Rogers, fully minted in his body again, is like, you fucking guys let Norman Obsorn weasel his way into power? Talk about dropping the fucking ball! But seriously though. From the moment the Avengers all disassembled, into Civil War, into the death of Steve Rogers, into the most Secret of Invasions, into Dark Reign, it’s been one goddamn nightmare after another for the Marvel Universe. And not only that, but the complexity and burdersome nature of intertwining every title into some sort of endless, fatiguing Super Event has left me wistfully thinking of simpler days.

It’s Brian Marvel Bendis and the gorgeous art of Olivier Coipel throwing an epic showdown in Asgard, that is promising to strip down and simplify the Marvel Universe. I’m sold.

There’s nothing really else coming out in the Marvelverse that catches my eye this week. See, I refrained from saying “nothing else that is awesome coming out”, showing my wonderful growth as a human being and open minded comic book reader. However, Marvel last week did tease this gorgeous piece of Spider-Man artwork by Pasqual Ferry. Something serious is going down with Peter Parker this year! Go fucking figure! There’s always something big going on with him. Ever since that douche traded his marriage and memories of Mary Jane to Mephisto in exchange for saving Aunt May’s decaying, disgusting, propped-up-by-pills-and-preservatives-ass, I’d been down on the Emo Arachnid. Who makes that trade? May has like three good years left, and she’s wasting them by marrying the father of J. Jonah Jameson. Good work dude, your spider-ears have to hear the groans of old Aunt May backing that ass up for the father of the guy who absolutely hates you.

Orc Stain #1

Listen. I’m a geek who plays World of Warcraft, secretly wishes he was Gimli and listens to shit like Amon Amarth. Anything called Orc Stain is going to gain my attention. I feel like I have to champion it misguidedly on principle alone. It’s about an orc (duh) named Stain who has begun to see the cracks in orc existence and the endless wars they fight. It seems like social commentary to me, featuring an orc. Now I’m really sold. It’s by writer James Stokoe, and while I don’t know him because I’m ignorant and uneducated, better people may have read his work Wonton Soup, whose premise is that one of the galaxies best chefs leaves behind galactic acclaim to become a space trucker. Bizarre. And cool.

Superman World of New Krypton #11

I have no idea what’s going on in the world of Superman. I also have no idea why this title isn’t tying into Blackest Night. Was there some sort of break-down in office memos? I mean, you need to slap the Blackest Night title on that shit! Sells more copies! Black Lanterns are canvassing the entire cosmos, but they can’t roll up onto New Krypton? Wicked weird, yo. I’m just kidding. I’m glad they’re doing their own thing, and they haven’t been assimilated into the monolith event.

All I know is that Clark Kent has been framed for murder, and there’s some sort of conspiracy between Kryptonian guilds. I didn’t make that up, apparently New Krypton has been taken over by guilds, maybe because they play too much Warcraft and they’re like, we’re fucking superheroes, let’s form a guild. They sound so cool.

But seriously, who would ever believe Kal-El is a murderer? If the dude had some balls he would have punched the dumb head off of Lex Luthor eons ago. Dude definitely isn’t into Bentham and his utilitarian ethics. How many lives could you have saved, Clark, if you just mustered up one skull crush? Yeah, stand on your moral high ground. I’m sure there’s some mother whose child had their head stepped on by Metallo who probably disagrees with you and your high horse.

Just sayin’.

[variant covers is a weekly comic book column every tuesday that breaks down the various shit coming out that week the world of capes and lasers]

Blackest Night #6
Ain’t nothing really coming out tomorrow in comic book land. You just had Christmas, so stop expecting presents and whining and shit! With the holidays fucking up release schedules and uh stuff, Diamond Comic Distributors announced way back in April they weren’t moving straight nothing this week. Bollocks and shit!

Marvel and DC are using this bare bones release list to shove their Event Dongs gleefully down every comic book fan’s throat. DC is direct shipping Blackest Night #6 to select comic book retailers. My boy Dean over at my local comic shop said you had to meet all sorts of requirements to be an eligible comic store. There’s quotas and crap. I assume it’s like, the comic book store must have at least four gaudy DC t-shirts hanging up somewhere in the store, and at least three DC character cutout stand-ups. And then the owners have to rip off like three push-ups and identify every Earth-3 character starting with Princess Diana the Carbaholic.

Origins of Siege
Meanwhile Marvel is giving away a “free comic” called Origins of Siege. I’m going to go ahead and assume it’s a text-based informercial catching you up on everything that leads into their next event. Called Siege, duh. I can catch you up without this rag though: The Green Goblin controls the world, and now wants to fuck up Thor and Asgard. There you go. Oh yeah, and Thor is all Billy Batson and has a human form.

I really don’t give a crap about the slow week though. I have a backlog that extends into October. Comic books sitting on my desk, asking me kindly to stop playing that three thousandth round of Modern Warfare 2 and get to capes and lasers like woah. Use this week to begin drinking early for New Year’s Eve, catch up on all the comic books you haven’t read yet, and marry and orangutan.

Captain America Reborn: Who Will Wield The Shield [One Shot]

I’m not really sure what’s going on with Marvel and their handling of the return of Steve Rogers. You see, the dude hasn’t even came back in Captain America: Reborn, and he’s already running about in Invincible Iron Man, and this week sees the release of Who Will Wield the Shield. I’m not sure how this is coming out prior to the final issue of Reborn. I know that they had to add an extra issue to Brubaker’s storyline, and that’s absolutely fucking stellar in my book. Brubaker’s event has me sold, man. The whole thing is a sprawling time-warp mindfuck that has at last issue, left Steve Rogers and the Red Skull throwing haymakers at one another. In the Red Skull’s mind. Hell to the yeah. My medicine is telling me that it’s okay to like big super events these days, if they’re done right. Ed Brubaker sir, you do them excellent. But I would be a happier panda if they released them in, I don’t know, a sensible order?

Brubaker also has the ability to sell me on issues I would otherwise find to be money grabs and superfluous. Take for example Who Will Wield the Shield. Now…is there anyone who thinks that Steve Rogers isn’t going to come up brandishing the Circular Icon of Patriotism? Egg on my face if I’m wrong, but c’mon. He’s Steve fucking Rogers. The Aryan Posterchild who was the only guy strong enough to stop The Guy Championing Aryan Posterchildren.

That said, I’m pretty fucking bummed that Bucky ain’t going to be championing the mantle anymore. He was an interesting chap, to say the least. It is always entertaining to see someone else reinterpret a symbol, either modifying it for their own uses, or simply accepting what the symbol was considered before. Barnes wore the mantle as an oath to the pinnacle of American Idealism. He seemed more dedicated to maintaining the legacy of his his best friend/hero’s life than he was in upholding American ideals. They came as an accessory to the main thrust of his existence as Captain America.

Image United #2

If you grew up in the 1990’s and were a comic book nerd, you have to be the saltiest of haters to not have at least a passing interest in Image United. I mean c’mon, haters. It’s featuring artwork by six of the original Image founders, and covers by the seventh, Jim Lee. It’s got all those comic book characters you fucking fawned over when you were like twelve. I’m not going to front, I was all SPAWN FOR LIFE KID back when I was in high school. I also wear JNCO jeans and used Sun-In to dye my hair orange. Time passes and you change.

But it’s so god damn intriguing, I can’t help but read it. It also stars the original Spawn, Al Simmons, as the ultra-villain! Omega Spawn! Seriously, how can you not be excited for this, in some bizarre, time machine, train wreck sort of way? It’s like getting the band back together! Marc Silvestri, Todd McFarlane, Rob fuggin Liefeld? At the very least, it’s great for a nostalgia trip. I’ll sit there reading about it, think about how many years have passed since then, and then eventually begin to brood about how little I’ve done with my life. They’ll find me in a bathroom, covered in vomit and tears, yelling about what should have been.

On second thought, maybe I shouldn’t read this.

Green Lantern #49

I wish there was a title I was totally stoked for coming out from DC this week. I think I may be a Marvel dongstroker at this point. Alas, I’m sorry. I can’t hate on Green Lantern, though. Geoff Johns is just a solid writer. You know what you’re getting. Unless you’re adverse to tie-ins, then you should stay the hell away from this title. Blackest Night has descended upon pretty much every DC title, so if you hate zombies and Green Lanterns, this title is probably going you into an apoplectic rage. You’ll wake up and find yourself covered in feathers, blood, and regrets. This issue has John Stewart looking down sniper scopes while zombies descend upon him from behind. And he’s also facing past regrets and shit, too.

Then there’s Detective Comics #680, which I don’t read, but I should just for the artwork alone. JH Williams III draws a mighty gorgeous page, and his work on Detective doesn’t disappoint. If you’re like me, which is broke from Christmas shopping and conniving, try and talk a loved one into buying it so you can flip through it on the toilet one day. Always works for me.

Daredevil #503

I’ve been digging on Daredevil for a while. Somehow this title has been given the gift of quality creative teams time and time again. How it’s gone from Bendis (prior to being stretched thin writing the entire Marvel Universe) to Brubaker to now Diggle is beyond me. Most titles have me dropping them like woah once their quality team leaves. Or maybe I’m just an asshole; I’ve stuck around with both the Daredevil and Fantastic Four creative shifts and found myself pretty fucking stoked with the follow-ups.

Daredevil is currently the head of the fucking Hand. Seriously. Diggle’s taken a dude already consumed with an impressive amount of self-hate and thrown him into the belly of the Devil. Meanwhile Kingpin, when not stuffing his face with quality New York City vendor hotdogs is, of course, trying to bring down the Murdock. There’s something awesome about seeing Daredevil rolling out with a fucking clan of ninjas, who now all sport bad ass devil horns in their typical ninja masks.

I’ve enjoyed watching Daredevil’s spiral into oblivion for years now. Instead of throwing the reader some predictable “Golly gee, I’ve found my way” bullshit, Diggle has gone the atypical route and well, Murdock just keeps fucking up. He’s sitting on a throne of misery in the heart of some cave somewhere, contemplating the various ways in which he has fucked up. This issue follows Murdock as he continues to wield a league of assassins for something resembling good, which sounds a lot like trying to corral extremist terorrists into running a daycare program. Good luck with that shit, Matty.

Also coming out this week in the Marvel neck of the woods is a fucking fuckload of comic books. Captain America Reborn #5 is coming out, which promises to like, totally have you on the edge of your seats wondering if Steve Rogers is coming back. That’s sarcasm, we all know he’s coming back. Even worse? Dude already appeared, alive, in last week’s issue of Invincible Iron Man. What the fuck is that shit, Marvel? Were there delays and shit in shipping titles? That was confusing as Batman dying twice last year. Astonishing X-Men #33 continues doing its own thing in the X-Verse, while the rest of the titles seem to be converging on some epic confrontation. As usual. This time hinging on the return of Hope or some shit to modern times. Hint: She’s totally Jean Grey.

Incorruptible #1
A lot of people have spent the good part of 2k09 jizzing in their pants over Mark Waid’s Irredeemable. Basic premise? Superman becomes a psychopathic killer, and the world dares to find a way to try and stop him. I haven’t made my way through all the issues, but there’s a haunting scene where the Superman Analog wipes out an entire family before whispering in the ear of the fallen family’s daughter “Do you know who I am Sarah? I’m a superhero.” Creepy shit.

Anyways, Waid senses a good thing when he has it, and he’s busting out the foil for Irredeemable, Incorruptible. It’s the inversion of the prior title, seemingly chronicling a dude who was a baddie deluxe who now wants to walk the path of the righteous. He goes from MAX DAMAGE to MAX DARING. I don’t know. Maybe it’ll be cool. Waid’s got me sucked in just based on the title following the wake of Irredeemable’s hype. Maybe it’s sweet as fuck, maybe it’s a forced attempt at contrasting themes. I’m snagging the first issue at the least and hoping for the best.

Green Lantern Corps #43

They should title this shit “Green Lantern Corps #43 – If You Don’t Read This, You Won’t Know What the Fuck Is Going On In Blackest Night.” Yeah, that title is long as fuck, but it gets the point across. I’m cool with tie-ins, but when every single fucking title that is in a tie-in must be read to understand the central story. I picked up the latest issue of Blackest Night, and all the Lanterns were giving each other handjobs and having beers after work. It’s not that I couldn’t figure out what was going on. But rather, I think that something that goddamn important shouldn’t be relegated to a spin-off title.

I’m sure there’s some length conversation that could take place wherein we debate the proper role of tie-in titles and other bullshit, but I’m just going to side-step intellectualism (I know I did that far, far before this) and call them dumb and lame. Auxiliary titles should supplement the main event title, not contain moments that are enormous occurrences. I understand the financial reasons for it, but c’mon. Please? If I have to pick up Green Hornet someday to find out that Superman has decided he wants to be a professional ventriloquist in Throwdown for the Cape and Red Undies, I’m going to be annoyed.

Other DC titles dropping are stuff and stuff. There’s an Arkham Asylum special, which makes sense, because the game sold a zillion copies and is already getting a fucking sequel. Then there’s Superman/Batman #67 which is a Blackest Night tie-in. Which means they probably end the war, Batman returns, and Superman gets Lois pregnant. Just, you know, judging by the fact that they give serious content to spin-off titles to keep you buying them. No, I’m really not complaining about that still.

Okay, yes I am.

DC Holiday Special 2009 #1

It’s Christmas time, and that’s something even a godless agnostic pro-choice heathen like myself can get into. And   let’s be honest, it isn’t about going to church or anything anymore, it’s about getting drunk on spiked eggnog and making inappropriate comments to fourth-cousins you only see once a year. And with that in mind, I’m excited for the DC Holiday Special, because it lets me think about ridiculous situations I’d like to see.

For instance, I can’t help but wonder about the time that Hal Jordan finally got a little smooch from Barry Allen under the mistletoe. The sad thing is that he never knew about his wishes being met, because Allen pulled it off at the speed of light. He continues to pine for his unspoken love. And then there’s the time where Superman got drunk and told Batman he needed therapy, and the two of them shouted over Plastic Man’s witty quips that he was trying to use to calm down the situation.

Of course, I’m sure none of this is in the special, but ’tis the season and shit. It’s probably just a boring special where they’re all giving and shit to needy children or whatever. Hey dickheads, you’ve got pretty much God and a bunch of omnipotent beings gathered together, how about you give us something sweet for Christmas, like world peace, or some shit. No, you’re probably content to grab cats out of tries and fight assholes dressed in weird underwear.

The Distinguished Competition is also putting out a bunch of books that I don’t read, but may be pretty cool. Adventure Comics #5 sees Conner Kent throwing the fuck down with Superboy-Prime. Which sounds awesome, but unfortunately I haven’t read any of these issues leading up to it yet. Superboy-Prime worked his way into my heart when he exploded half the fucking lame characters in the DC Universe with right hooks back in Infinitely Final Crisis back in the day. And then there’s Booster Gold #27 which features Mr. Gold getting hung by some Black Lantern from a tree. Which, admit it, is pretty cool.

Invincible Iron Man #21

I never really got down with Tony Stark in funny books until Matt Fraction started writing Invincible Iron Man. I know that’s high treason in some circles, and for that I apologize. It’s not that I didn’t dig on the concept, but I was too young to be actively buying the issues where he was bottoming out and being a god damn alcoholic and stuff. It all seems pretty sweet, but I’m lazy and demented and I always forget to try and snag some back-issues.

Fraction effectively reduced Tony Stark to Lennie from Of Mice and Men in the previous arc, having him format his own brain like an organic hard drive and shit. So I guess that makes him, like, Robo-Lennie and shit. But now he’s all laying comatose, and it’s up to Bucky and Thor and a bunch of other peeps he’s wronged to reboot his skull and shit.

For a tech nerd like myself, the whole His Brain as Hard Drive type thing really gets me moist. Also, I feel sort of happy that I was correct when I predicted that the dude would reinstall Tony Stark onto his mushy headguts after he was done formatting. Question though: Why the fuck would they reboot his mind, if the secrets he was trying to keep from Norman will just be restored? Or perhaps it’ll be an older image of his brain, prior to the secrets or something? And if so, is that really Tony Stark, or is it as good ole Locke would say, another entity removed from the prior string of consciousness?

See, I’m already wet.

Also, it’s nice to see the Marvel Universe finally being pulled back together. There’s been like two years since Tony Stark and Captain America were no only BFFs, so the concept of them all coming together again to beat-on some Norman Osborn ass is exciting. Maybe then we won’t have another fifteen years of Dark Reign, and they can usher us onto some other storyline.

Modern Warfare 2 Ghost #2

If you’re like me, you didn’t know that Modern Warfare 2 had a comic book. And that makes sense, since if you’re like me, you’ve been too busy getting fucking owned by thirteen year-old kids in said video game. Seriously, there’s nothing more demoralizing than hearing a barely pubescent little kid shit talk me, and I can’t say anything, since he’s killed me fifteen times in a round. God dammit.

I’m simultaneously surprised and not surprised that there’s a comic book for MW2, especially for Ghost. Ghost is like the Boba Fett of MW2, he’s quiet, barely around, and he kicks a shitload of ass. Plus, he’s got a skull on his face, and those thirteen year-old kids I fucking despise probably want to grow up to be him.

But at the same time, the plot to MW2 was pretty much a rejected 24 plot. Don’t throw tomatoes at me, I’m just saying. And that’s cool, because who the fuck plays the game for the single-player campaign, let alone story?

I predict a thousand bullets and lots of violence in this comic book, and at least fourteen nerds orgasming per comic book store.

Supergod #2

I know what you’re thinking, “Ian, why are you recommending the second issue of Supergod, despite the fact that you haven’t even read the first one because it sold out too quickly? Is it perhaps because you’d take great pleasure in sniffing Warren Ellis’ used toilet paper?”

And the answer is invariably, of course!

More seriously though, I’ve been digging on the concept of Supergod since it was announced back in the middle of the summer. Let me try and sell it to you by quoting Lord Ellis himself on the premise of the title:

“SUPERGOD: praying to be saved by a man who can fly will get you killed.”

In short, it’s about man creating gods who then destroy the world. It’s morbid, and interesting, and it deals with all sorts of teleological shit that gets my philosophical boner rising. And oh yeah, it’s by Warren Ellis.

Siege: The Cabal

In case you were wondering what Marvel was going to do next to milk your comic prostrate for every last dollar, it’s the super megaevent, SIEGE. After seventeen years of Dark Reign, Norman Osborn plans on taking down Asgard. Good luck with that dude. But nonetheless. Since you cannot simply start MEGAEVENTS anymore without hyping it up with an Issue #0, and thirteen preludes, Marvel is giving us Siege: The Cabal. Apparently The Dude Formerly Known As Green Goblin throws down with Dr. Doom and the rest of the dillholes he aligned himself with. Smash, kapow and crap.

I’m actually sort of excited for Siege, just because it’s going to be penciled by Olivier Coipel, and I always am curious to the point of wasting money. I’m going to assume that The Cabal is just a quick money grab before the main event, but I am also a cynical asshole. How about you buy it, and if it doesn’t suck, I’ll borrow it.

Also dropping in the Marvel-verse is the fourth issue of The Marvels Project. I feel sort of shitty for shying away from this mini-series. It’s by Brubaker and Epting, who generally rock my socks. But I don’t have much interest in getting into yet another Origin of the Marvel storyline. I picked up the first issue, and never got through it. It’s wilting away sadly in some magazine rack in my house. I’m probably a true douche. And then there’s Fall of the Hulks, which is serving only to remind me that the Hulk and like his Hulk son or something still exist.

Seriously, the Red Hulk is still running around, and from what I’ve been told, people still don’t know who it is. I hope this shit doesn’t go on longer than wondering what GAMBIT’S DARK SECRET was back in the mid-90’s Hey Gambit, how do you feel about the Red Hulk?

Sacre Bleu! Mon Cheri! Mon Ami! Kinetic Playing Cards! Shitty 1990’s character! Just tell us, already!

Bro, I couldn’t agree more.

Blackest Night: The Flash #1

I know that I’m totally being hypocritical when I tell you I’m amped for this shit. I mean, I prattle off endless paragraphs about how I hate comic book events, and their spin-offs and shitty infiltration of all the regular books. And here I am, recommending a Blackest Night title? Calm down, let me explain yourself! Then you can point out the fact that I’m a douchebag.

The thing that I’ve liked about Blackest Night is that it’s focused almost exclusively on Barry Allen as the hero of the story. Thematically it makes sense, since he is the ultimate dude to have escaped death. You can take it that way, or reason that his resurrection was a cheap gimmick. Either way, he’s back. It’s nice to see an event that doesn’t involve Superman and his perpetual existential crisis, or Batman detecting shit. And with this spin-off, we get to see more of that goodness, and a fucking zombie flash!

Apparently Barry Allen’s archenemy is the Reverse Flash. I have no idea what the fuck that means, I suck at DC lore. Does he like, move really slowly? He is the reverse after all. I have no idea. But he’s back. And I have faith that Geoff Johns and his boy Scott Kolins can rip off something interesting. Flash fanboys speak of the duo in hushed whispers of reverence. I have only recently begun to appreciate the Flasher, but I am going to take them at their word.

DC is also dropping Superman World Of New Krypton #10 which sees Clark being tried for murder. I’m not down with Superman rocking out on New Krypton, but I can tell those tools one thing: Homeboy Kent didn’t murder anyone. He’s not that sort of guy. Alright? He loves his Ma and Pa and shit. I know this because we’re reminded every couple of months of this, and also of the fact that he will forever now look like Christopher Reeves. Speaking of which, and this would be tight, why don’t they resurrect Christopher Reeves in Blackest Night?

Just sayin’, cross-promotion.