Fuck yeah, tomorrow is comic book day, and I’m all amplified for this shit. This is the week of epic viking Gods. Blood and Thunder! A little mid-week tomfoolery in the land of face smashing wunder-hammers. Are you excited? You can bet your bottom goddamn dollar I’m stoked. Let’s hit the list of comic books I’m excited for tomorrow.

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Thor #615
I’ll make you a square fucking deal. I’ll stop blathering about the nineteen Thor titles when they stop stacking them with primo talent. Aiight? Fair deal? This week, Matt Fraction and Pasqual Ferry’s run on Thor proper starts. And Jesus Christ, if I’m not beyond excited. Fraction, my current writer crush and inspiration beyond measure, spends most of his time unleashing mainstream brilliance on Invincible Iron Man. He follows that with interdimensional space-bound insanity with his creator owned Casanova. And oh yeah? He describes his run on Thor as “epic space metal.”

Ferry ain’t no slouch either. His preview art for this debut issue did nothing less than make me arch my back in a furious nerdgasm.

I’ll admit that I bemoan the excessive amount of Avengers titles, and in a fit of hypocrisy, have found myself excited for nearly every Thor title announced. But when you stack them with Fraction and Hickman and Langridge? Unfathomable awesomeness.

Serious aside: Thor with beard, or sans beard? I can’t decide.

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Skullkickers #1
This comic book is titled Skullkickers. It’s also being billed for “dork dicksores who like Army of Darkness.” Awesome. And apparently it’s already sold out at the distribution level. Even a dumbass such as myself can sense something special going here. I mean, Jesus Christ, to reiterate, it’s called Skullkickers. In a week seeing Thor’s continual dominance as the God of Thunder and Dorks Like Me Who Play Warcraft, this title seems like a perfect compliment. Two dudes wrapped up in an assassination plot who punch werewolves in the face and engage in witty banter. Sold.

Slap something new into your pull list and roll the dice on this one. At the very least, you can probably sell it for a decent mark-up in a couple of months when people coming late to the party can’t bring themselves to wait for the trade paperback.

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Nemesis #3
Confession time: even a staunch Millar fanboy such as myself is beginning to fatigue of the guy. Overexposure in motion is enshrouding the dude. He’s got this title, Kick-Ass, and the forthcoming Superior. All creator owned titles that he’s constantly wanking off as being in some sort of movie production. Yeah, yeah, yeah, dude. We get it. Then there’s the movie he’s making on his own. Which he called “X-Men Meets Trainspotting.”

Fantastic.

Then there’s the fact that all of his titles have gotten to the point of being pretty mediocre. Back when I was repping Nemesis #1 as being awesome low-minded action, a reader pointed out that this was pretty much Millar’s calling card. And while I bristled at the time, I’m officially onboard with the notion. People swearing a lot, little girls stabbing people, ultra-violence and depravity. Yawn. This is coming from someone who is clearly a fan of all of the above. But it’s overdone and being mashed into paste, bro.

Nemesis was already the obvious Batman As Bad Guy title, but the second issue was remarkable in the fact that it stole directly from The Dark Knight. Wait, the villain wants to be capture? Stop me if I’ve seen this somewhere before. I stared at the page, thinking, Like, Really? That’s what you got for me?

Damn.

Even a fanboy like me. A bit fatigued.

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Eulogy: Wildstorm Closes
Hijacking my own column to comment on the news today that the imprint Wildstorm is closing. The bastard child of Jim Lee nearly twenty-years ago, it gave birth to both Planetary and The Authority, as well as Wildcats and Gen 13. Most recently, Brian Wood’s DV8 was resurrecting the Gen 13 spin-off and was my favorite X-Men book that wasn’t an X-title at all.

It’s a bummer to see an imprint closing. Sure, an imprint which probably wasn’t financially tenable any longer, but none the less. Lee has commented that they have plans for the characters that are being shuttered, and I puke a little when I imagine them being folded into the DC Universe.

Every time the comic book industry shrinks a little less, a certain pall strikes a little cord in my comic book heart. Even if the Wildstorm-verse had stopped entertaining me for a while, it was nice seeing a realm without Wolverine or Superman persist for as long as it had. Maybe if the quality of the titles was higher, fans would have stuck around. But maybe the fans not sticking around is what prohibited them from drawing the larger names.

Who knows?

I sure don’t.

Rest in peace, Apollo and Midnighter. Easily my favorite gay couple in comic books. When Batman and Superman made out, we all won.

Oh shit! With tomorrow being Wednesday, this is your one-stop shopping center for a rundown on tomorrow’s comic book releases; Variant Covers. Ain’t it a glorious thing? Tomorrow being Wednesday and all. Wednesdays. Hump day. I don’t know how or why the good lord decided that Wednesday was the day designed for new comic book releases, but g’damn if I ain’t grateful. I mean sure I’m a graduate student and I don’t actually “work”, okay? But reading three-hundred pages of DuBois can get its grind on, you know? Got some funny books to tide me over, until the weekend. Even if them weekends don’t mean as much to us unemployed.

I’m throwing a sinking curveball today. Instead of glossing over the releases, I’m going to expose myself to you. I’m going to highlight all the titles I actually intend on buying. This is in stark contrast to my decided efforts on the occasion to give love to things I’m not really feeling out of charity. Or more likely, recognition of my own poor taste. But this shit is the real deal, the titles I’m snaggin’ with a shit-eating grin tomorrow. And in case you’re wondering? Shit is delicious.

Hit the comments box with your own pull-list. We’ll compare sizes and quality. Maybe even girth.

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Northlanders #32
Brian Wood is fucking awesome. Do enough comic book fans recognize this? I’m not sure. After expressing my concerns to my brother, I was reassured that he’s respected within the walls of Geekdom. I fucking hope so, man. I really do. He isn’t penning Uncanny X-Factor: Fucking & Punching or anything for the Two Juggernauts, and because of that I’m hoping the chap gets the buzz anyways. Since I don’t troll forums or communicate with the inner workings of my nerd brethren, I’m not sure.

But this I do know, again. Brian Wood is fucking awesome. If you need proof, you’re going to read Northlanders #32 this week. Part three of the storyline “Metal”, it features a rampaging viking named Erik as he goes about culling the Christian population from his land while making love to a beautiful lady by the name of Ingrid in the woods. It’s a commentary on religion and power set to the tune of headwounds. Crank the Amon Amarth and get down to this shit.

[Aside: I read DMZ in collected format, but the new issue drops this week. If you’re not reading DMZ in some capacity, you’re failing. I spurn thee. Also, I’m picking up DV8: Gods and Monsters #6 by Sir Wood as well this week. After textually fellating him, I’m just folding that purchase into this post. To spare you gagging on my gagging on Wood.]

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Harlan Ellison’s Phoenix Without Ashes #2
The second issue of the comic book-adaptation of a failed television show based on an Ellison script drops this week, and I’m stoked. The first issue was pure set-up, but that’s expected out of a premiere, non? Shit was something like The Village Meets Uh Maybe Dark City Or Something. Christ, I know I’m not doing it a solid by describing it that way.

The basics: a young chap by the name of Devon lives on the world-village Cypress Corners, which is governed by a bunch of Amish-looking motherfuckers who proclaim to channel the world of the “creator’s machine”. Devon, as a bunch of similar young men, is powered by love and conviction and is like “fuck your dumb fraudulent machine”, after discovering it is all a farce. Dude is chased out of the village, and by the end of the first issue, he’s staring at an opening mechanical gape in the ground.

Sci-Fi porn featuring a critique of assuming the proclamations of the powerful to be correct? I’m there. You should be too.

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Thor: For Asgard #2
It’s a great week to be a World of Warcraft-playing dork like me. Serious fucking viking and epic overload. The second issue of Rodi and Bianchi’s look at Thor and his pretty assy attempt at ruling Asgard drops, and it’s worth buying for the artwork alone. Bianchi’s pencils are the work that nerd orgasms are made of. Good lord! Shields! And swords! And cleavage! Rendered in such splendor! Last issue concluded with Thor getting righteously cock-blocked by Mjolnir. Why hast his hammer forsaken him?

Dude’s got it rough. His Dad went out on some pilgrimage, and now he isn’t even dubbed worthy of wielding his trusty smash-mallet.

Forsooth!

Keep Reading »

A good afternoon to you all. Fellow geeks, innocent bystanders, lost internet wanderers wondering how they found themselves in such a fresh Hell as this. The following batch of word-vomit is Variant Covers, your weekly look at the comic books dropping this week. As I am wont to do, every column comes with the following caveat; I am primarily a man of Capes and Latex, when it comes to comic books. My tastes are suspect at best, and if you have a different set list of comics stowed in your pull list for this week, I’m all ears. Amongst other things, I can be fairly accused of being comically curious.

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Batman and Robin #14
The god damn Batman can’t catch a break. It doesn’t matter who is donning the mantle, that guy is more than likely in line for a serious ass-whupping. Couple that with a can of Angst Like Fuck, and his existence is guaranteed to be rough at best.

So despite the fact that Dick Grayson is currently our favorite Flying Rodent, he is still dealing with serious shit. Namely, the purportedly back from the dead Thomas Wayne. I don’t know where Morrison is taking the Bat-mythos by resurrecting Thomas, but it’s fun to watch. Wayne is back from the dead, and being spun as a man who despised his wife, loathed his son, and really likes wearing creepy Eyes Wide Shut masks. Where is this shit going?

As Grayson lies in a rubble of flaming Bat-jet, Damian is confronting the Joker in a Gotham City police station. Seriously, isn’t this a situation for epic and enjoyable fail? Back in issue thirteen, Damian spoke my mind when he called the Joker out for what I’ve always felt was his bullshit rhetoric. The Joker isn’t an agent of chaos. In fact, the dude is beyond meticulous in his orchestration of far-reaching schemes. Dismiss the veneer of anarchy, and you see the Joker for the mastermind he is beyond the bullshit.

So Brucey’s kid is face to face with the Joker, whilst his protege Dick is being confronted by his father? Good god damn. Paging Freud or some shit, we have some serious daddy issues being mulled through in this title. Where is all of this going? I have no damn idea. But? But I’m enjoying the ride.

It’s worth mentioning that Batman and Robin is currently worth reading for the artwork alone. I mean, I’m a Morrison fanboy, I’m not fronting. But Frazier Irving is beyond gorgeous in his work on the title. I could read the comic sans dialogue or narrative boxes, and I would be just as happy. Irving seems beyond adept at creating a horror is that equally gorgeous.

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I’ve made a grand dent in my reading backlog lately. After a summer of staring in horror at the volume of comics I had amassed, unread, and covered in dust, I threw off my trepidation and started reading. And reading. And reading. It currently stands at something like five or six comic books, but they can wait. It’s a good run of Demo by Brian Wood, which I have been assured by Pepsibones is quite excellent. Then there’s the quirky supernatural western Sixth Gun. Aside from that?

Finito.

Progress is a hell of a thing.

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Keep Reading »

There’s a god damn heatwave afoot here in New England. The sun scorching us nerds, casting us back into the dungeons from whence we came. What the fuck is a fanboy supposed to do in the face of such unrelenting Sun Hate? Easy, yo. Check out Variant Covers! Shameless plug, ahoy. Welcome to the weekly column where I give the weekly rundown of what I’m looking forward to in the world of comic books. Or more than likely, watch as I grouse like a bitch about the same five things I dislike in the comic book world.

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Scarlet #2
Scarlet’s subtitle should be “See motherfucker, Brian Michael Bendis can still write.” The first issue came out a couple of months ago, and the combined effort of Bendis and Maleev was nothing short of a boner-inducing wunderkind. There was a stretch of time when Brian Michael Bendis owned my nerd soul. Between Goldfish, his bullshit on Sam & Twitch, Daredevil, Powers, and Ultimate Spidey, I would fawn over him with unreserved enthusiasm. Eventually though, his strongest assest, his god damn writing ability, became (to me, alright?) his undoing. Some straight up Oedipal shit.

Why?

‘Cause the dude got something barely short of thrown into control of the entire Marvel Universe. That’s probably a wildly inaccurate claim. Whatever. And all that talent got diluted across ninety titles, and like his talent, my love for him was slowly diluted until it faded away.

Scarlet reminds me of why I love the guy.
And when he’s on his game, he’s better than roughly 95% of us wannabe writers.

Synergy. The retardedly cool concept that something can come together to become better than the sum of its parts. That’s fucking Scarlet. The story itself is cool, though perhaps a bit rote. The world’s fucked up, only one hot alt-chick can save it. The art itself is fucking gorgeous. The dialogue is beyond what feels like the Stock Campy Bullshit that Bendis pumps into the thirty-three Avengers titles he writes. You mash the Hot Chick With Guns and the Gorgeous Artwork and the Witty But Not Pressing Dialogue together, and you have a comic that I am genuinely, genuinely excited to read.

Even if you’re super-duper dissatisfied with Bendis, if you ever loved the dude at all, this is going to be an express trip in the wayback machine.

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Shadowland #3
Speaking of Bendis, one of the characters he used to lull my weeping fanboy heart into his clutches was Daredevil. I know I’ve rode Matty Murdock’s bedeviled jock throughout many a column here, but I can’t help it. Who doesn’t love watching someone as they’ve swooned into terminal descent? We’re all standing near the point of impact, hoping to get some existential guts splattered across that.

You can’t do better than Murdock’s crushed-soul.

I have to say this though, I prefer mainland Daredevil way over Shadowland. And while I dig on Shadowland, it loses a bit of the interpersonal edge that I’ve dug about Daredevil. It’s an action movie, not a detective story. And that’s cool, freal. It’s a preference thing.

But kick it over to Shadowland to watch as a man who has been pushed over the railing and into his own darkness finally combusts. The only sadness I feel is that I know whatever sort of fate Murdock meets will ultimately be mitigated by the engines of the industry. Someday he’ll be reformed, back, ready to rock. Push that out of mind and watch as shit gets real, if you can.

It’s an action movie starring one of the best characters Marvel has had to offer. Unblemished by what I would argue are editorial mandates to fit into movies, and other bullshit, a list of All-Star writers have orchestrated the collapse of the Man Without Fear.

Here’s our chance to watch him splat.

Keep Reading »

It’s Tuesday, somewhere along the second half of the day here on the East Coast, mainland Empire. That can only mean one thing. I’m staring at a clock watching as it whittles away the time I have to write Variant Covers.

Instead of glazing over the release lists this week, I’m more interested in sounding off on what I fear is the forthcoming over-saturation of my boy Thor. I love me some Thor. Always have. Giant guy, swings a hammer, is a god. Of lightning. And It seems that Marvel is intent on getting everyone into the love fest. By the end of the year there’s going to be so many god damn Thor titles that you’re not going to know what to do with yourself.

There’s Thor proper, which is going to be taken over by Matt Fraction and Pasqual Ferry.

Awesome.

Then there’s Ultimate Thor, which is going to be helmed by Jonathan Hickman and Carlos Pacheco.

Double awesome.

But wait, true believers! There’s more!

Thor: The Mighty Avenger is currently out, and it’s absolutely excellent.

The list doesn’t stop there! There’s also Astonishing Thor, and Thor: For Asgard, and on and on and on.

Are you getting fatigued yet?

This is all being done, I assume, to ramp up public knowledge regarding our boy Thor prior to his movie dropping next year. I don’t really know how popular Thor is/has been, since I am out of touch and I sit in my dungeon all day. Rough guessing based on my own ignorance puts Thor at significantly less beloved than Iron Man, and even below Captain America. Which means, again, using my own ignorance, that they need to get his gorgeous Viking frame firmly injected into the collective nerd consciousness. It’s understandable while they’re ramping up his exposure, I just wonder how much he can take before there’s a breaking point.

I’ve always loved Thor for a couple of reasons. Namely because I play World of Warcraft and listening to thrash metal in a basement. Couple that with the fact that he suffers on occasion the same existential angst as Superman that I relate to; a strange man in a stranger, alien land, and he’s my boy. Of thunder. But again, I need therapy for my fatal case of Emo Angst and I’m a dork. So there’s that.

But for other people? I have no idea.

But I’m fearing Thor may suffer the same over-exposure that seems to bury every franchise eventually. I mean, who doesn’t fucking yawn when they seen Wolverine now? And Jesus Christ, at his core, that Canadian Feral Ball is awesome.

The good news is that Marvel seems to be stacking all of Thor’s titles with beyond talented teams. I mean, I don’t have to go into detail, if you read any of my slop regularly you know I go absolutely Viagra Priapism for Fraction and Hickman. I’m going to read those titles based purely on their names alone. I mean, if you want to get his name out there, you might as well have true genuine talent backing up the titles. But as you continue to release more and more titles with his name on it, when does it stop being wise, and start burning people out?

And does Marvel even care?

I mean, how can people go and buy nineteen Deadpool titles a month, and now want to rip their hair out?

Keep Reading »

Greetings, Earth Dwellers. Or perhaps, interstellar beings, butting into our infostream trying to surmise what the human race is all about. We are humans, and we’re primarily concerned with fucking, fighting, and building. I hope we’ve passed your litmus test, and you see fit to not obliterate us with your laser beams and annihilation strobes. This is Variant Covers, the weekly comic book joint where I sound off on the funny book releases for the forthcoming Wednesday. Should you choose not to vaporize us, I’ll see you next Tuesday.

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Harlan Ellison’s Phoenix Without Ashes #1
If you don’t know who Harlan Ellison is, then you probably need your Geek Card revoked. Actually, that’s a bit draconian. You’re going to receive a three-week suspension and promise of having it returned to you after completing a program that lasts throughout duration of the suspension. He’s one of the Jesus Christ Wunderkinds of science fiction. A progenitor, straight-up pimp, and controversial motherfucker. It makes sense then, that the comic book droppin’ this week with his nomen upon it arrives with a serious amount of controversy surrounding it.

Buckle up, this is an amusing tale.

Back in the year 1971, Ellison developed a TV show under the title of The Starlost, whose pilot was called Phoenix Without Ashes. Apparently it was several shades of asstacular, and Ellison demanded he be credited under Cordwainer Bird. Yeah, guy wasn’t particular happy with the show. Cordwainer Bird? Interesting.

Anyways, following in 1975, the shit got novelized, by Edward Bryant. And here we are, some thirty-five years later, where it’s receiving the funny book treatment courtesy of “Harlan Ellison” and Alan Robinson.

I have no idea if Harlan is directly responsible for converting this son of a bitch into Panels and Narrative Boxes, but it interests me none the less. Any time that one of the godfathers of science fiction is contributing something to the annals of comic book history, I have to take a peek. See what’s going on. It’s what, four dollars? That’s like, three and a half Diet Mountain Dews. I can afford to take the risk.

You know, if they have the comic book. At my local store.

I’m doubting it.

—-

Bulletproof Coffin #3
Bulletproof Coffin #3 also drops this week. It’s the third issue of an eccentric take on both the current age, and past ages of comic book. Take that shit, wrap it up in some oddity and mix in the familiar but enjoyable trope of examining the glimmer of your past in contrast with the dull sheen of your present existence. But with dead zombies and children holding guns and other insane happenings.

It’s awesome. And if you can find a place to pick it up, it’s worth your space bucks. Your imperial credits. If you’re an alien reading this column, deciphering it for clues pertaining to our existence, you guys can probably walk into the comic book shop and just walk out with it. The fat guys and the bespectacled dorks running the joint are going to be too busy orgasming at the proof of extraterrestrial life to stop you.

Go on, get your theft on. If you’re going to be about our culture, your best bet is to ingratiate yourself into our behaviors as well. Theft is a good place to start.

—-

Amazing Spider-Man #640
Perhaps you’ve already undergone this, aliens. The movement from tangible to intangible objects. The decline of purchasing tenable objects in your civilization. But I’m having a hard time suffering that, in conjunction with the slow, miserable death of the comic book industry. You see, despite the fact that I’m pretty amped up for this week’s latest issue of Amazing Spidey, I’m more excited for the two aforementioned titles. The esoteric, less marketable bullshit. Less marketable, but perhaps even more enjoyable.

I’m struggling more and more lately with the fact that the shit I want to read, isn’t found on the shelves of my favorite comic book store. Ever since I said to myself, “Drinkwater, you got places in your heart for things beyond the realm of Capes and Telekinesis”, I’ve been branching out into Esoteria. But with that evolution of interest, I’m met every week with similar results. I walk into my comic book store, hoping to find say, Bulletproof Coffin, while silently resigned to the notion that I shant.

I walk to the shelf, and amidst Deadpool Explosi-Core #15 and Utterly Invincible Albeit Uncanny X-Force, there ain’t much for someone looking for the different.

And the worst part is? I can’t blame my comic book store.

Keep Reading »

Amidst a general sense of post-gym stank and a pile of funny books among my computer desk rubble, I bring to thee this week’s edition of Variant Covers. This week is a welcome respite to my wallet-rapery, the line looking a little thin, but I welcome it. After knuckling down and crushing most of my backlog since you’ve last been corrupted by my interwebs babbling, I’m finally caught up on the various titles I read. As always, these are the comics that caught my eyes, and as us fanboys are bound by various eccentricities and allegiances, I suspect your pull-list may be vastly different. I welcome it, and hope you drop your comic purchases in the comment box.

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Thor: The Mighty Avenger #3
Roger Langridge and Christopher Samnee are putting together something special on this rather unassuming title. I caught wind of it a couple of months ago, and was finally able to put the first two issues in my grimy paws last week. It’s legit, yo. As Marvel is understandably ramping up the amount of Thor titles on the market in lieu of his movie droppin’ next year, it’s awesome to see they’re filling these titles with writers and artists that are talented as funk.

Langridge is telling the origin story of our Strapping Young Lad of Thunder with an elegant simplicity. You walk through the still-new realm of Midgard with Thor, as he comes to grips with the notion that he has been banished by Poppa Odin. And god dammit, the way it is told is simply fun. Not enough comics can just grab you and take you on (what is thus far) a light-hearted romp. I don’t want to call it a simple tale, since it is written in a way that can convey some really deep mythology and strife in a way that’s accessible and enjoyable like woah. We have enough angst and existential brooding in our comics, and fuck if i don’t enjoy it. But this comic is a nice reprieve from the rain that drizzles on so many comic book characters’ miserable existences.

Not to be forgotten are Samnee’s pencils which echo the simple attractiveness of the plot. I haven’t been aquainted with Samnee before, but I’ve already fallen in love with his crisp, cartoony drawings, and his clean use of panels.

Langridge and Samnee are telling an extremely enjoyable tale with a clarity in plot and visuals that is far too exceptional in the shit I read.

Dig on it.

—-

Keep Reading »

Another week, another edition of Variant Covers. The weekly column dedicated to fawning over Wednesday’s new comic book releases. As an over-educated but under-developed fanboy, most titles I mention are of the superhero assortment. This results in me griping about the lack of character development in financially charged titles, while still giggling at laser beams, and staring at spandex-covered asses. Paradox! Let’s dance.

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S.H.I.E.L.D. #3
If you’re not reading SHIELD (I’m absconding from using the acronym every time, sorry), I don’t blame you. Outside of the buzz carried through the various comic book websites, it’s rather unassuming. Walking across it at the shop, you may not be lured by the gorgeous artwork. I mean, funny books ain’t cheap no more, and curiosity often meets short ends at the hands of a tight wallet.

So I’m beseeching you, read this comic book. If you haven’t yet, snag the first two issues, and pick this up tomorrow. Jonathan Hickman’s SHIELD ain’t Nick Fury and a helicarrier. It’s Leonardo Da Vinci, and an immortal city underneath Rome. It ain’t covert ops and espionage, it’s Galileo versus Galactus. From what the reader has been told throughout the first couple of issues, the premise is that SHIELD has been a centuries-old secret society fashioned to further the Human Machine. Unfortunately, as all good things, it has been spurned by the handiwork of some legit d-bags. Alas. Fuckers.

Thankfully, a resurrected Leonardo Da Vinci has returned to set shit straight. Yeah man, that Da Vinci.

It’s a surreal trek through time, space, and philosophy. Not content just blending the worlds of history and funny book, Hickman has continually pressed the issue on the power of ideas in shaping human history. SHIELD ascends being a literal shield, and instead becomes symbolic of humankind’s pursuit of the Heavens. Not only that, but the battle over definition extends to the very concept of definitions – if Da Vinci claims destiny means one thing and the Legions of Old Assholes claim otherwise, the battle seems to rage on not just an ideological battle, but also a physical one as well.

In other words, they be spittin’ both thoughts and spears at one another.

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Keep Reading »

Variant Covers, is at its core, a weekly comic book column. Most weeks are like this one, a round-up of the comic books that I am planning to acquire through galactic credits tomorrow at the local Pictures And Words dealer. Other weeks, the status quo is subsumed by a desire to pontificate on a particular topic. Like Peter Parker and his amazing Non-Progress Adventure. All columns are sponsored by a permanent state of juvenility, and made-up words.

Shall we?

Batman: The Return of Bruce Wayne #4
This is my column, and while I maintain a sense of duty in pleasing others and keeping it fresh, I’m going to go ahead and recommend the latest issue of Bruce Wayne and his righteous riding of the Time Waves. I know that I’ve popped off on this mini-series previously, but I’m sorry.

It’s one of my favorite things dropping every month, and I’ll be god damned if I ain’t excited to read it tomorrow. The latest issue finds Sir Wayne of Forevermore riding the time stream into the wild, wild west. Or is it the wild, wild east? After all, it seems that every time that the Island jumps for him, he ends up in Gotham during Period To Be Determined.

I may be reading it completely incorrectly, there’s always the chance of that.

The series is centered around the essence of Bruce Wayne, and how those essential tropes can carry through the millennium. They’re applicable everywhere. The concepts of symbols as power, great sleuthing, and an undying regret towards being unable to save a loved one (in this case it seems ‘ole Anne Elliot) can work while existing in the realm of Cave Dudes just as well as it came amidst the Red Dead Redemption set.

This shit rocks me like a rock star rocks things.

Spin on that, ya’ll.

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Keep Reading »

Amazing Spider-Man #638
Alright, fuck every other comic that is coming out this week, I want to talk about Peter Parker. This week, the Spider-Man event One Moment In Time is kicking off. The event is in response to the other Spidey event that took place in 2007. That shiz was called Brand New Day. In this wonderful arc, Spider-Man was faced with a choice presented by Mephisto. Mephisto was all like, “Yo, I can save your dying Aunt May. But in return, you will never have married Mary Jane.”

Somehow, and for some reason, Peter Parker decided that this was a solid deal. What a dumb bastard. He chose his rickety old fucking Aunt May, over his gorgeous, accepting supermodel wife? This shit has irked me for some time now. Dude Pete, she ain’t even your Mom, yo. I know, I know, same thing, close enough, blah blah blah. So poof! With a wink and a nod, and probably some magical smoke that makes people disappear and stuff, Mary Jane and Peter Parker were never married.

Somehow.

Why’d it happen?

Well, it happened because Mephisto wanted Parker’s love. Or something. But we know why it really happened: because Marvel had no idea what the fuck to do with Peter Parker anymore. Parker was the character that apparently everybody related to growing up. I didn’t, I was a total X-Men dude. I was more comfortable running around with a pack of mutants, watching Wolverine gut dudes and totally talk smack to Scotty Summers and secretly hitting on Jean Grey.

[As a brief aside, did you ever consider Wolverine’s enhanced senses? Like, what’d they be like in the bedroom? I imagine sniffing a pair of panties with his leet skills is either the greatest thing ever, or he passes out and goes semi-catatonic.]

But anyways, people related to him. Why? Because he was dorky, and disaffected. Because he didn’t fit in, and he had typical teenage angst, and he had a rough go of things. His parents were dead, he kept waking up with webbing in his pants thinking about watching Mary Jane cheerleading at the pep rally.

Peter Parker married to Mary Jane?

That shit changes everything! Parker wasn’t angsty anymore, he wasn’t unfulfilled. He was a middle-class teacher, married to a gorgeous supermodel who accepted him for all his quirks and the fact that he dresses up in tights and fights giant reptiles. Acceptance. Evolution. Before Brand New Day, Parker wasn’t the character that people had grown up to love, who was eminently relatable. He was normal. And apparently that was boring enough, and scary enough, and far enough away from his “roots” as Joe Quesada put it, that they had to use one of the most contrived storyline mechanics I can recall to pull it off.

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