#So These Are Comic Books
Variant Covers: Reality Is A Special Effect!
Variant Covers. Column giving the rundown of the week’s comic releases. Trite, super-personal and irreverent. Share your finds, friends.
I’ve been sick lately. For the past five days my life has consisted of scraping the existential paste out of bed, nodding somewhat coherently as I teach, and napping. Fitful, sweaty naps. The sort of naps that could fill a Gatorade bottle and whose flopping fiction could power a small town.
I have not slept. I cannot breath. I am here though. When there’s a dance you have to show up. Do your courtesies and press your fleshes.
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Variant Covers: I Love It When You Deathstroke Me!
Sometimes I use comic books as a means to escape the drudgery of the daily routine. Tomorrow I’m going to be using them to escape the Furnace of Doom that is eating up the Eastern seaboard. The various nooks and crannies of my body are pooling sweat. My body smells like a refuge for swamp animals.
My air conditioner hates me.
It’s time to escape.
Variant Covers: The comic books I’m interested in this week. I’ll show you my pull-list, you show me yours. Behind the fence, where our parents can’t see.
Variant Covers: Blacklights, Fist Fights, and Tights.
This is Variant Covers. Comic book column. I tell you what I’m interested in this week. You share your pull-list with me. Together we form the comic book community that even the Heavens can only dream of! Or at the very least it is me blathering for hundreds of words in poorly constructed run-on sentences and way too many adverbs about superheroes and splash-pages.
Save me from myself.
Variant Covers: Scalps, Stretchy Junk, and Futurists.
It’s that mid-summer moment where the comic books are twisting in my greasy palms, affronted by humidity and my general toxicity. Comic books! One of the great stalwarts of summers, the MEGA-EVENTS coming out weekly. Say what you will about the general quality of the EXPLODEY TIME STORY ARCS that permeate the shelves during the summer, I’ve come to need them just as a means of passing time. Like marking days off a calendar, they’re there. And they’re omnipresent. Keeping me company.
Like the drunk Uncle at the Christmas parties who you thinks annoys you, but then when he dies in a horror shit-show of cirrhosis and bloody vomiting, you miss him under the mistletoe. Trying to kiss your Mom, his first cousin.
I don’t know what I’m writing about anymore. This is Variant Covers, your weekly take on the tasty licks hitting comic books shelves.
Variant Covers: Only Assholes Think Superheroes Really Die.
As I type this, I’m sipping some cold suds. Non-alcoholic mind you, it’s a work night. Birdies blather from green trees outside the window, and I perspire from the warm Summer air. It’s a bit of a pleasant time to be inhabiting Spaceship Earth, alongside the Eastern seaboard of the Northern Americas. Life is good. To compliment all of that, the installment of this week’s funny books drops tomorrow.
Here’s what I find interesting hittin’ shelves.
Let me know what you’re feigning for.
Variant Covers: Frankenstein’s Summer Jam.
This is Covers, of the Varying kind. A comic book column where myself and theoretically other nerds convene to shoot the shit about the comic books coming out on a given week. I vomit up hundreds of words about the titles that are catching my eye, and then you do the same in the comments box. It’s a wonderful community filled with objectification through latex, bi-annual cosmic threats, and the occasionally mind-altering idea.
I love it.
Variant Covers: Xombis Ate My Neighbors!
Ride me with! We have ourselves a rootin’ tootin’ motherfucking pull list to spit about. This is Variant Covers, the weekly column where us of the nerd predilection spout off the comic books we’re snagging tomorrow.
After a hiatus last week in which I graded final exams, wrote my own bullshit papers, and generally wept at the Sky Gods for forging such an unfavorable existence, I’m stoked to be back. There is a good goddamn backlog of comics I haven’t gotten to, and I’m using the semester break to tear gleefully into the ass of my Stack’o’Funnies. I’m coming for you, Detective Comics, Cowboy Ninja Viking Vol. 2, Black Hole, and hopefully others.
But this week, let’s gab about this week.
Variant Covers: All That And A Bag Of Ennui!
And then there was ennui! Welcome to Variant Covers, the column that has me blathering about the comic books I’m picking up this week. There are occasions when the week is stacked to the brim with releases I’m sweating, and then there are weeks like this: a barren wasteland of interest.
Disagree with me? Hit the comments box with what you’re checking out. I’m curious, curious for you.
Variant Covers: Corporate Synergy Porn.
Turn around and the next thing you know, the clock strikes Wednesday! Well goodness me. Time to plot out your various funny books for the week. Check the articles, plumb the pull-lists, collate the funds. This is Variant Covers, the one-stop shop for spittin’ about the funny books you’re snagging on this week. Oh yeah, and I also display the titles catchin’ my eye.
Variant Covers: Posthuman Coffin Orgies.
If it ain’t Wednesday, I ain’t happy. This is Variant Covers, the weekly comic books column where I unfurl my pull-list and let you see what I’m eager to check out. I can’t snag every comic book worthy of purchase, being a poor bastard with little time. So with that in mind, hit the comments section with your own favorites for the given week.
Today is seeing the accumulation of posthuman nano-madness, incensed heralds of the apocalypse, horny murdering school kids and more. I’m ready to fucking rock.
