Hold up. Who the hell is Theon Greyjoy? For those who haven’t read the books, the abrupt appearance of Theon may have been confusing – especially since visually he could pass for one of the Stark boys. For those who may have missed some of Tyrion’s exposition concerning Theon:

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Ladies and gentlemen and swine, I’m pleased to introduce Chris Goodwin. Chris and I first started writing criticism together when we spawned RobotBitesMan in early 1984. All self-loathing and cynicism aside, Chris is the reason movie reviews should still be read today.

Anyone with fingers and eyes can publish their movie reviews online, but finding someone with passion nowadays is seriously hard to find. Everyone is (or acts like they’re) so jaded and writes these miserable, pre-destined reviews. And believe me, Chris has every reason to be jaded. He’s seen every beloved horror franchise he grew up with “revamped” but despite the river of crap, he remains excited to see new flicks. That’s fucking rare nowadays.

So without further whatever, here’s Chris’ review of THOR. Oh crap. Did I forget to mention that Chris adorned himself in his personal Asgard armor for the film? Well I just did. Bow down, pussies.

Here’s a THOR review from the mouth of someone you should be reading a THOR review from: someone who loves movies and loves THOR.

I know what you’re thinking.   “This guy has problems.”   Well, if by problems you mean a strong desire to be awesome, then you’re correct.   Not many people have the balls to fully embrace something they love to the extent that I do, and that’s a shame.   Why wouldn’t you want to absorb might, strength, and power into your daily lives?   The Norsemen had the right idea, so grow a pair and live life the Viking way!   MARVEL studios has been doing just that, and THOR is all the proof you need.

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Oh hell yes.

One of my favorite young directors right now is Dane Nicolas Winding Refn. Out the gate he wrote and directed the brutally beautiful Pusher Trilogy, which he followed up with Bronson. I was rather unimpressed with 2009’s Valhalla Rising – lengthy shots of nature doesn’t equal “atmosphere” in my book.

But all is redeemed thanks to this two-minute clip from Refn’s first Hollywood outing: Drive. Premiering at Cannes this year, Drive stars Ryan Gosling as a professional getaway driver. Yes please. Judging by this short, tense clip, it’s going to be some really exciting shit and a worthy homage to classic car flicks like Vanishing Point and The Driver.

Watch the clip here and let’s pray this gets a big release.

Despite Cat’s disdain for a bastard in their family, it’s hard to deny the awesomeness of Jon Snow. He’s one of my favorite characters in the book and now on the show as well. The setting of the Wall helps a lot – it’s such an interesting and eerie place situated at the end of a haunted forest. This forest seems deadly still but if it deems guarding by the Night’s Watch – people who (sometimes unwillingly) sacrifice their entire lives to protect this Wall – then you know shit can go down at any minute. Benjen tells Tyrion a lot about these unnameable horrors beyond the Wall, like big fucking bears. Oh my! And of course there’s the White Walkers who made an appearance in the beginning of the pilot. They’ll come into play shortly and they’re some scary pricks.

Lots of exposition in “Lord Snow” – especially backstory concerning Jaime Lannister and how he earned his epic nickname “Kingslayer.” In the sleazy manner of stabbing the king in the back, natch. Actor Nikolaj Coster-Waldau plays the smug asshole perfectly. I wanted Ned to bitch slap him with a glove during the scene in the throne room. Him and his unscathed armor. Pssshhht. During the small council, Ned learns how utterly fucked the kingdom’s financial situation is. “Counting copper,” they call it. Despite the issue, Robert demands a tournament be held in celebration of Ned’s appointment as Hand of the King. Ned’s new role, however, doesn’t give him the power to prevent royal spending on crap like tourneys. His frustration with King’s Landing continues to grow.

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Summer is upon us and what better way to start blockbuster season than flipping a bus carrying convict Dominic Torrento? That’s exactly how Fast Five begins, right where 2009’s Fast and Furious ends – Dom (Vin Diesel) is convicted and being transported to prison. His sister Mia, now pregnant, and best pal Brian (Paul Walker) react to Dom’s sentence by doing what they do best – causing huge car crashes. This is pure popcorn entertainment at its very best and, besides one complaint, I loved every freakin’ frame of it. Its got really well-choreographed action, idiotic charm, and real stunt men doing real stunts. It’s the best bro-car movie since 2 Fast 2 Furious and the best of the franchise hands-down. It makes me want to do push-ups and pound a beer – at the same time!

After a news report states that NO ONE was hurt in the bus crash (seriously the thing flips like 11 times), we jump forward a few months to Rio, where Brian and Mia are hiding out. They get a gig from Dom’s ol’ buddy Vin (from the first Fast) stealing some DEA seized cars off a train. And BAM, Dom is there too. The job sours when it turns out that the Rio kingpin wants the cars and some DEA agents get shot. Is stealing DEA cars from a moving train ever easy?

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I thought I was into Game of Thrones but this Florida resident is so down with the Starks that he beat the shit out of his cousin over it. Drawing that kind of fan loyalty after only one episode bodes well for HBO, who just renewed it for a second season. Hells yeah.

After an hour long series of introductions and politics in last week’s pilot, “The Kingsroad” sets those pieces into tense motion. It’s not all love between the Starks and the Lannisters – the only honest, good blood is between Ned and King Robert. The scene in which they talk about their war with the Targaryens was a highlight of the episode for me. Because of his nearly oppressive sense of loyalty, Ned is still willing to travel to King’s Landing to take his position as the King’s Hand despite his son Bran remains in a coma after his fall. We all know that Jamie Lannister pushed Bran from the high window after witnessing his incestual relations with Cersei.

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Super, the latest from Slither director James Gunn, takes the superhero movie and splits its forehead open with a wrench. I went in expecting graphic violence and overall campiness, but Gunn takes you to the edge, lets you dangle, then shoves you off while he laughs and downs a Red Bull. He’s not trying to cater to his audience, or any audience for that matter. Several times throughout he lulls you into a great rhythm of “okay, this is what the movie is going to be like,” then he throws some dynamite in the works and sidles off.

Rainn Wilson plays Frank, a dumpy short-order cook who is somehow married to the gorgeous Sarah (Liv Tyler). He holds on to the two perfect moments in his life dearly: his wedding and when he helped a cop catch a purse snatcher. Unlike that dweeb from Kick Ass, it’s actually easy to believe that Frank is a real loser who thinks becoming a superhero is perfectly rational. He’s given this heroic impulse after Sarah leaves him for drug/strip club proprietor Kevin Bacon. And after the hand of God literally touches him. Seriously, that scene is incredible.

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For those who are unfamiliar with George R.R. Martin’s A Song of Fire and Ice series, I can see how the first episode of HBO’s Game of Thrones could be disorientating. You’re being introduced to a lot of characters and hierarchy in just a short hour. But for fans of the series, I think the consensus is that they knocked it out of the park – even improving on some of Martin’s tedious exposition. I got into the series not too long ago and it’s one helluve ride. Thrones, the first book in the series, is essentially a sword and sandal soap opera that is more about political intrigue and power plays than clashing steel.

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From director James Wan and writer Leigh Whannell (the duo behind the Saw franchise) comes their latest horror outing, Insidious. While I’m not a fan of Saw, I LOVED Wan’s last film – 2007’s brutal Death Sentence. And yeah, Dead Silence is a pretty damn fun piece of camp. With Insidious, Wan and Whannell present a ghoulish haunted house flick that relies heavily on the jump-out-and-scare-you technique. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. And Wan is really really good at making doors creak and floors squeak. The first two-thirds of the film are solid with plenty of tension, ominous atmosphere, and some genuine scares. I admit it – I jumped a few times.

In the final chapter the film, sadly, the film treads heavily into some goofy shit. The demons/ghosts/whatever go from being agents of terror to just annoying set pieces that don’t respect personal space. It sucks because honestly the first two-thirds are great. A lot of reviewers are comparing it to Poltergeist – especially Insidious‘ otherworldly realm known as The Further. Remember in Poltergeist when that the mom goes into the Other Side to bring back Carol Anne (waaalk into the liiight)? Insidious has the same deal, only the young Dalton’s father, Josh, travels into The Further and we unfortunately go with him. Shit gets real hammy from then on.

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There’s an early episode of Quantum Leap, it might even be the pilot, where Sam Beckett leaps into the past and, despite being warned not to by Al, calls his dad. In Source Code, director Duncan Jones delivers an obvious nod to this heavy Leap moment – even having Scott Bakula voice the dad of Jake Gyllenhaal’s Colter character. That great little moment in the film is just one of the reasons to give up an hour and half of your life and go see Source Code – despite it’s flawed final minutes.

Jones’ sophomore scifi effort (his first being 2009’s bitchin’ Moon) also features a male protagonist who should stop trusting “the man.” Colter is an army helicopter pilot who awakens to find himself on the Chicago commuter rail, sitting across from a woman he’s never met who keeps calling him Steve. Manic and confused, Colter tries to make of sense of his Twilight Zone plight…and that’s when the train blows up.

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