Back on that comic grind, back on that comic grind! Mamma mia, can I really keep up this column, So These Are Comic Books? It seems that way! But Ian, let’s not start sucking our dick already. I mean, right? Four weeks ain’t a solid commitment, and my dick ain’t anywhere near my lips. Fucking mediocre dong. Fucking inflexible ass. Still though, it’s a nice avenue for blabbering, blathering, and overall venting of my textual diarrhea. Gotta empty the ass, or the ass chakra gets too full. Begins backing-up. Flooding into the body. Causing delirium. Need them chakras clear. Need them chakras clean. If not, can I truly ascend the Astral Ladder on a Friday evening?

— and by that, I mean, get adequately high and watch horror movies? No way! No Jose!

None the less, enough about my ass. This is a comic books column, and let’s just stay the course. Whatever the fuck that course is, was, or will be. You know? Oh, you know!

Maybe, maybe I’m just stalling. ‘Cause I’m in a bit of a pickle here, this week. I’m at the stage in the comic book game where I’m struggling to piece together a pull-list. Meanwhile, I’m finding myself with an odd collection of installments in the comics worth checking out. You know how it goes. You hear about a comic book four-issues in. You saddle up to the comic book store’s wall of choice. Then you find that they have like, issues #1 and #3 of one comic series you’re interested in. As well, they got like issues #2 and #4 of another. And what the fuck are you left with? A patchwork of comics that seem interesting, but you can’t dive into yet.

Of all the things I missed about comics, I certainly didn’t miss the unpredictability of what is stocked, or the frustration at not being able to find a title you want. It really fucking ground my gears last week, when the comic shop didn’t have Strange Adventures #4. Ain’t no fault of the owner, dude is solid as fuck. Rather, it’s DC going alone on their own distribution, shorting the shop, and I didn’t get my sub request in on time.

Fuck me! Fuck me sideways and cram it in my ass.

Anyways, what I’m trying to say is that I’m really in-between recommendations this week. At least, as far as shit that dropped on the Scared Wednesday. But, I got a couple of things that caught my eye, and one glorious gift from Johnny Hotsauce himself.

Per usual, help me thicken, help my pull-list throb in the comments section.

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Cosmos! Tell me your secrets! I demand it. Oh, you got one? About Dwarf Planet Ceres? Well, do fucking tell! Oh, oh fuck! It has a secret saltwater ocean underground? Holy shit, this is rad.

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Bad news for Xbox stans! Halo Infinite ain’t an XBOX Series X launch title anymore. In fact, the motherfucker has been delayed until 2021. Which honestly is probably a good thing in the long run. The title looked old, slow, and outdated in its gameplay reveal recently, and definitely could use more time.

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You know, I wasn’t even aware of Mars’ nightglow in its atmosphere. But, I am now! Additionally, I also now know that motherfucker pulses three times a night. Awesome.

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Hey, friends! Apologies for the tardiness! Mea culpa, mea dumb ass. I think I butchered the Latin there, but who knows. It’s a fucking dead language. Who is going to stop me? Motherfuckers buried under the rubble of Mount Vesuvius? Some nerd Latin scholar at University? Step-up bitches, and face a Superkick Party. Anyways, I’m genuinely sorry I’m dropping this MMC on a Tuesday.

In case you’re wondering why? Man, I’m fucking fighting it this week! Fighting what? Just a general sense of existential malaise. A sexier way of describing my various chemical imbalances compounded by the flat-out Dumpster Fire that is life in the United States  Just the act of sitting down and compiling words in a WordPress document seems pretty overwhelming. But, I’m here motherfuckers! Sometimes the act of just pushing through is helpful. You know? Maybe you know.

Anyways. Any-fucking-hoo, here we have Monday Morning Commute! Truth be told I’m digging a lot of shit these days, and these arts & farts are genuinely helping me through the week. So, I’ll drop them below, and I hope you’ll share your own collection of happenings and happiness-inducing activities in the comments.

This is Monday Morning Commute.

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We begin to debate whether or not our hand mastery of our own dongs would carryover to providing such hand relief for other gentleman. Then we transition into our own capacity for providing dong-based oral pleasure. You know, just to take it a step further.

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Clive Barker is undeniably the fucking best, dudes. And so it is with a stellar, promising boner that I convey this news. His six-volume series of short horror stories is being adapted into a movie for Hulu. Wait, it gets better! Motherfucker is arriving October 7.

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I have just enough to do during this summer quasi-break to be stoked for the weekends. Ya know? Just enough stress to compel me to look forward to Friday evening. Plus, you know. It’s an opportunity to hang with my wife, and my husband, and eat a truckload of preposterously unhealthy food. As well, I get to spend some time with you motherfuckers. Here, at the Weekend Open Bar! The one-stop shop for buffoonery and camaraderie every weekend.

It’s shaping up to be a good weekend for me. Weather setting the tone. The heat wave’s finally breaking here, and good god, I can open my windows. Get some of that late-summer air wafting in. Reminding me that the descent into Autumn has thankfully begun, while being warm enough to not nip out. I must confess, it’s one of my favorite times of the year. I hope you’re appreciating it as much as me! If not, well, I hope you’re at least tolerating it.

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Venus ain’t exactly hospitable. We’ve known that for a hot minute. That latest confirmation that it’s a real son of a bitch? Astronomers have found a plant-scale wave of poisonous clouds which sweeps across its surface every few days.

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Most of us Control stans thought that Remedy’s other star Alan Wake would be returning in the title’s second DLC. I mean, he’s referenced in Control. As well, the DLC’s title? AWE. Well folks, my boner is out! ‘Cause the trailer for AWE confirms it. I’m an absolute fucking honk for Alan Wake, and I’ve been yearning for a sequel for years. While this ain’t exactly that, it’s more than enough to fill my cup.

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