Press Start: Sub-Title Generator Ver. 2.0
Video games are great and all, I don’t want you to get me wrong, but sometimes you just have to disconnect, you know? Really take a look at your surroundings and the people closest to you: learn to appreciate the real things in your life.
Of course I’m kidding, we all know that other human beings are fuckers and that reality is a hugely overrated series of crushing failures and missed opportunities. Let’s get virtual.
The most offensive Doom mod ever.
It’s the year 20XX and Mel Gibson has fallen on hard(er) times. Determined to continue making movies, he turns to Troma only to find that Lloyd Kaufman and Michael Hertz are more than welcoming: sharing his vision of making the most tasteless and offensive movie ever made, ignoring his blatant antisemitism. If you can picture what kind of depraved lovechild such a working relationship would spawn, then you may be close to the content seen in this truly tasteless Doom mod.
Literally no-one is safe from the onslaught of blood-letting seen in Grezzo 2. That includes Mario, Buddha, Barney The Dinosaur and even elderly McDonalds patrons. Download it at your own risk, kids.
Flashback is getting a HD re-make.
Even before I had the patience or necessary co-ordination to play Delphine Software’s Flashback, I still gazed upon it with wonderment. The cinematic leanings and captivating environments were the best kind of imagination fuel for my younger self. Now, the same mind rests in a rapidly decaying, but altogether more physically coordinated shell. As such, I can look forward to the release of a Flashback HD re-make, bound for the inevitable downloadable platforms (XBLA, PSN, Steam).
Appropriately enough, the leak was exclusively confirmed over on gameblog.fr who claim that the re-release won’t be a simple restoration, but will feature entirely new animations and artwork within the original design and structure. Here’s hoping that it can live up to the legacy of the original.
From Punk isn’t dead, to Killer Is Dead
Kicking down the walls, doors and foundations of our consciousness this week were a host of new details concerning Killer Is Dead. The next title from Suda 51, Grasshopper Manufacture and Kadokawa Games brings with it a typically vibrant art style and affinity for sharply dressed hitmen.
Nothing new, maybe. After all, what would a Suda 51 game be without litres of blood and dismembered limbs pushed through his kaleidoscopic pop culture waste valve? Perhaps the most exciting notion is the one that Killer Is Dead could prove to be Grasshopper’s Magnum Opus: the culmination of their years of efforts to make a punk-rock game. The future-grindhouse aesthetic, along with gameplay lessons learned from their previous titles mean that this could be the game that comes to define Grasshopper Manufacture.
THQ is dead.
Perhaps the biggest news this week was that concerning the dissolution of THQ and the selling of the company’s various intellectual properties. The ‘bigger boys’ of the gaming industry all gathered around to gleefully pick the bones of this decaying carcass: snapping up some of THQ’s more successful properties.
Ubisoft managed to pick up South Park: The Stick of Truth, SEGA snagged Relic, along with Company of Heroes and most appropriately, Koch Media has picked up Volition and the Saint’s Row licence. Koch Media, as I’m sure you’re wondering, are the sleazebags behind the greatest gaming swindle I’ve ever witnessed. Dead Island is one of the most shockingly poor games I have ever been unfortunate enough to have to experience. It probably made them a tonne of money, too. Undershipped and over-priced at the beginning created a bizarre amount of interest for such a bad game. I still have nightmarish flashbacks to the time a begrudging father handed over £60 to me in exchange for that shrink-wrapped turd. Horrifying. We can thank Koch Media and Deep Silver for this monstrosity and I think we can safely assume that the Saint’s Row series can now plunder even lower depths with its new owners.
No game is safe from Hotline Miami.
I’m still waiting for all of you to go play Hotline Miami, then come back to tell me how much you enjoyed it and how grateful you are to me for constantly talking it up. I’d say you were welcome and that I’m happy we can move forward through life together having shared such a pleasurable exchange. Until this utopian vision of my future becomes I reality, I’ll keep finding excuses to talk about the game.
Luckily for me, there are creative sorts such as PulpitPower who are willing to make entertaining re-interpretations of some fantastic source material. Watch as Hotline Miami’s protagonist murders his way through a collection of classic games, along with new favourites like the eye-wrenchingly difficult Super Hexagon. Fuck you, Terry Cavanagh.
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Side note: I am thinking of using ‘Let’s Get Virtual’ as the catchphrase for the Welsh-themed Super Sentai show I’ve written in which I play all of the characters. As of yet, my pitches have been unsuccessful, but it is going to happen and I don’t want anyone using the phrase ahead of its release. I’m sure you all understand.
Coincidentally, if you are reading this and happen to work in television, please don’t hesitate to contact me if you are interested in working on my show idea. There have been very few Welsh Super Sentai shows up until this point and I feel that it’s a golden opportunity.