The Dude’s High 5s: Apocalypse Edition

Welcome to the very last High 5.  Yep, this is it, the final one.  Its been quite a journey we’ve taken.  I will admit, there have been ups and downs, but I wouldn’t trade a minute of it for anything.  You’re probably wondering why this is the last one huh?  Well, the apocalypse of course, December 21st.  We’ve got two days to prep.  So I figure with my swan song I might as well walk you through some likely scenarios so some of you might survive to envy the dead.

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5. A Great Flood

Over the next two days, the ice caps will fracture and sink into the sea raising the sea level by 2,000 feet.  No pun intended (which is bullshit, and one who says that totally meant to use a pun), but this is an Al Gore wet dream.  If this happens, I’m pretty sure I’m boned.  My house is 900 feet from the Atlantic Ocean.  Now, since I am so close, I might be able to get to a nearby marina and commandeer a boat and sail inland.  For those of you in Middle America, or anywhere that is a reasonable distance from the shore, you guys will be fine.  Watch Waterworld and learn to like the taste of your own pee.

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4. Scorched Earth

This is one of my favorites.  This is caused by either an intense solar flare, or a far off pulsar, whose swath of radiation will cook Earth like a Thanksgiving turkey.  In this scenario, there will undoubted be an area of the Earth that is left untouched.  This will be a haven of sorts.  A new Garden of Eden where those of us that are lucky enough to live there, will do our best to protect it from the marauders and biker gangs that will populate the cursed land.

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3. Black Hole

No one knows how black holes are formed.  Perhaps on will pop up close by.  If that happens, we’re all dead.  I guess we’d have egg on our faces for cutting NASA’s budget huh?  The Black Hole doesn’t even have to appear that close.  It would just have to pop up close enough to distort our orbit around the Sun.  It could drag us out of the “butter zone” for life and slowly freeze us.  Or it could dislodge bodies from the Oort Cloud, the Scattered disc, and the Kuiper Belt and pelt us with an unending stone rain of meteors.

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2. Zombies

The dead will rise to reclaim the planet.  I’m not too worried about this one.  I have an arsenal, and I know how to put them back in the ground.  I think we’ve all seen enough zombie movies to retake the planet.

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1. Nuclear Fire

With the geopolitical theater as messed up as it is, I wouldn’t be surprised in the slightest if we just decided to end it all.  This could be a crapshoot.  A few spots could get hit, leaving less vital areas, or we could crack the Earth open like an egg.  This is another one of those “where are you when it happens” events.  For example, I live far enough away from Boston to survive the initial blast; however, the radiation sickness would provide me with hours of agony while I slowly died.  Sounds fun.

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So how do you think its going down on Friday?  Pandemic?  Volcanic eruptions?  Robot revolt?  Super quake?  Lets hear it.