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This Week on The Walking Dead: Sick

October 23rd, 2012 by Sneaky Pete

Whoa Nelly! It’s going down out there in zombieland! After an almost untoppable start to the third season, episode deux turned out to be quite a pleasantry as well. In the campaign of Gore vs. Snore, our heros are growing quite the dark side. These turds are finally learning how to feed my ever-thirsty murder-boner, and so can you, on our latest Walking Dead 2min Redux.

This isn’t the first time the gang has dealt with unsavory humans, but their experience is shining through, FINALLY. They spent all last season stuck in the mud, and now they are evolving at ludicrous speed. Or at least that’s how it feels to me. Even lil Carl, who still won’t do what he is told, is fucking up in the right kinds of ways. Instead of irresponsibly wandering of, and getting someone killed, he is wandering off, and coming back with med kits n’ such. Hey progress is progress.

And the pacing is still perty good. A little more unnecessary dram than last week, but stil not enough to make it unpalatable. Lori has been squarely put in her place, and knows it. T-Dog is coming out of his shell. Daryl is Shane’s unrealized potential. Carroll is stepping up, but idgaf. Maggie is Sasha Fierce. Glen has sort of lost his ninja powerups, but he isn’t doing any harm.

The prisoner dynamic is interesting but a little predictable. It is sad to see Big Tiny go down, as he was the only redeemable one of the bunch. Of course they had to preserve creeper mustachio, because he has a bigger role in the comic that unfolds later on down the road. But I’d gladly trade his tired story for a new route with Big Tiny. Oh well.

;

Sick

We pick up exactly where we left off…

PRISONERS: Who the finuck are yous guys?

RICK: NONEYA. We ghost.

MAGGIE: Coming atcha-yall! Papa Hershey lost his leg on the unnecessary clearance mission!

BETH: Lemme see. Lemme see. EEEEWWW. NM!!! Put that stump away!!!

DARYL: Covering the door…

TOMAS: Little Pig Little Pig let us in.

DARYL: By the power invested in me by the state of Georgia, you boys have received a full pardon. Congratulations. Now split.

RICK: Everything is gone. No TV. No phones. NO INTERNET!!! Don’t believe me? Let’s go for for a walk in the yard.

They check out the yard…

TOMAS: This is your handiwork? I’m impressed.

TOMAS: Well. I don’t think we want to go back out there…I think we will stay here.

RICK: Here are your options: Option A – We kill you all. Option B: You give us half your food, and we help you clear a different cell block. You decide.

BIG TINY: I like option B.

TOMAS: Option B it is. Pleasure doing business with you, esse.

The group prepares to take another cellblock.

RICK: Errybody stick together. Phalanx positions. Hold the line.

EVERYONE: FUCK THAT NOISE!!! PRISON RIOOOOOT!!!!

EVERYONE: This shit is AWESOME!!!

DARYL: I’m not so sure this is going to work out…

BIG TINY: Derpty derp. I’m just gonna hang out here alone in the back for no reason…AWWW HELL NAWL!!!

TOMAS: I got you Big Tiny. DA FUK you gone do Rick?!?

TOMAS: Can’t hear from the gun shot in your ear!?! I SAID, DA FUK you gone do beotch?!?

TOMAS: Big Tiny has a scratch?!? Smell ya later then Big Tiny!!!

TOMAS: And one to grow on big papi.

Meanwhile back at cellblock Alpha…

LORI: I’m no doctor, but I think hershey is going to die unless we get some bandages and hydrogen peroxide up in this piece.

BETH: He can make it. I refuse to give up hope, unlike my bitchy pessimistic sister, Maggot.

GLENN: DA FUK! Where you been Carl?

CARL: Just cruised up to the infirmary to get some gauze and peroxide. How badass am I right now?

MAGGIE: Give it here!!! Hershey just might have a fighting chance now that we have gauze.

LORI: WTF!!! You went to the infirmary on your own? I know this gauze will save Hershey, but that was stupid.

CARL: Actually Mom, you dumb bitch. You don’t know shit about shit! You suck. I’m out.

Meanwhile back at the other cell block…

RICK: Stay tight. We got this. Don’t do anything stupid.

TOMAS: Whoops! Careful esse, I always swing for the fences.

TOMAS: Here Ricky, catch this beotch.

RICK: SHANE…I mean DARYL!!! I need you in mah lyfe brotha!!!

DARYL: I got you dawg. Dixons bromate for life!

A couple minutes later…

TOMAS: Yo. Sorry bout that, holmes. Shit happens.

RICK: Ya. Shit happens…

RICK: …

RICK: NOBODY.

RICK: FUCKS.

RICK: WITH THE RICKSTER.

Lil Homie runs off. Rick gives chase…

Lil Homie: Whoops. I think I done run too far. Better head back inside.

RICK: Not so fast fancy pants.

Lil Homie: FUCK!!! LET ME IN BRO, I’LL SUCK YO DICK!!!

RICK: Watching them pull you to bits is better than any BJ you could ever give. I just came.

CARROL: Pointless subplot of the week: Since Hershey (The Vet) is probably dead, I’m going to do a little medical school cadaver practice on this zomber.

CARROL: Why won’t anyone have sex with me??? I just came.

HERSHEL: Yawn. Where am I? Was the zomber apocalypse just a dream? Is Maggot really dating that Asian boy?

RICK: Congrats Hershey. You survived. I can uncuff you now. I bet your arm is HELLA asleep.

RICK: I’m so glad you made it dude. I thought I was going to have to deal with Lori’s bullshit myself from now on. That is a fate far worse than death my friend. You have no idea.