WEEKEND OPEN BAR: the talonted mr. ripley

[WEEKEND OPEN BAR: The one-stop ramble-about-anything weekend post at OL. Comment on the topic at hand. Tell us how drunk you are. Describe a comic you bought. This is your chance to bring the party.]

Hi kids, the Dude here beaming sunshine and happy thoughts to you this fine weekend direct from OL Prime.  A planet populated by busty leather clad lasses and the odd, yet delicious buffalo chickens.

I just want us all to take a moment and reflect on how awesome it is to be human.  We can talk, we can write, hell we can masturbate.  I’m pretty sure those are the three required elements of building a civilization.  Think about it.  If you’re raging about something with a person you’re writing with or talking too, you can step back, rub one out (or flick it if you’re a lady) to let off the steam and get back to work.

Now that you’ve appreciated the finer things to humanity, we’re ready to move on.  I count myself lucky to be human.  The thing I wonder is are there any other species out there that count themselves luck to be what they are?  I guess the core question is this.

What other species would you want to be if you could no longer be human?

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My answer is a bird.  Birds get a bad rap.  They do.  They shit on cars, they spread disease, and they can be loud as fuck.  But wouldn’t you want to be one?  Just for a day?  Check out the video above.  The apex birds don’t take shit.  Not from Calvin Johnson, Prince Fielder, or Brian Urlacher (Get it? Lions, tigers and bears … never mind).

Despite not being able to masturbate, being a bird has to be pretty awesome.  You could sing a dandy tune to attract some tail feather.  You could soar on the winds, taking in some impressive landscapes.  Or like the bird in the video, you could drop a mountain goat off a cliff for shits and giggles.

Birds are also shown a lot of respect by being rooted in our lexicon.  Think of all the bird like expressions.  Jailbird, free as a bird, chickenshit, jive turkey, bird of prey, falcon punch, eyes of a hawk, and so on.  A good chunk of sports teams are named after them.  So show them some respect.

P.S. It is still ok to eat them as when you consume the flesh, you consume their power … or is that cannibalism?  I don’t know, point is, despite being beautiful and majestic, they are tasty.

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The question of the weekend is what other species would you choose to be if you could no longer be a human?