THIS WEEK ON The Walking Dead – Beside the Dying Fire

Piss the bed! It’s time to pack it in for our last 2min Redux of doom. AND what a barnburner!!! If every episode had this much action, I might actually return to liking the show again. Prolly not though, unless 80% the characters die grimtastic deaths for making me suffter, and are replaced by competent humans in season 3. But you can decide for yourself, as we lube it up nice, right after the jump.

A couple notes:
First off, why did they not have a plan for something catastrophic like this, or at least a definite rally point? Also, couldn’t they have beefed up security a tad in what seems like months they were on this stupid farm. The only defense was some cattle-fencing? C’mon son. At least dig a moat or something. Booby traps. Something!!!

Also, what was up with Lori and Carl’s reaction to Shane’s death by Rick. It is like the wrong dude came back from the woods or something. Uh ya, he killed Shane in self defense. They should change the title of the show to “Everybody Hates Rick”, because that is basically what it is about. Dude just cannot catch a break.

This sode was basically a cleansing of all nonessential personel. If you didn’t get at least 1 episode of face time, then the writers pulled the plug on you. Sorry Jimmy. Sorry Patricia. You are the weakest link. Goodbye.

Beside the Dying Fire

We pick up right where we left off. Rick and Carl both just killed Shane, thus alerting the hoard…

HOARD: WTF is dis? A farm or some shit? Let’s check dis shit out.

CARL: So how did Shane die after all? I missed it. What happened?

RICK: Um…jeez…well…um…HEY LOOKOUT ITSA HOARD!!! (Thank God). GET TO THE BARN MY BOY!!!

HOARD: This farm is sick, yo! We needs to have a zombie barn dance up in dis piece.

DARYL: Holy shit there are a lot of zombies by the barn. We are fucked.

LORI: Has anyone seen Carl? I went to take a monster dump, and when I got back he was gone.

Meanwhile, the boys setup a nice lil zombie death trap in the barn…

CARL: Eat shit zombie scum! Look at me, I have fully come of age. I can feel my testi’s droppin.

RICK: You’re a man now, Carl. Way to go. Now let’s GTFO.

HOARD: That barndance was HOT, yo. Let’s head back to the house for a wicked after party.

Having spent no time planning for this scenario, the group scatters like pixie dust. The following chaos ensues…

GLEN: GET SUM! GET SUM! NINJA POWERUPS!

BETH: Cmon, sister-cousin so n’ so. We need to GTFO! OH NOES!!!!

Good thing I had that episode where I had all the attention. It totally saved my life.

PATRICIA: Gurgle gurgle. If only I had had more face time, maybe they wouldn’t have killed me off.

LORI: C’mon Beth, walk away. We need to GTFO. There is still a chance you can survive till next season.

CAROL: OH NOES!!! I ran away from the cars instead of toward them. Derpty Derp. What am I gonna do now?

ANDREA: I got you Carol. I’m a boss bitch, remember?

DARYL: I got you TOO Carol. Let’s GTFO.

HERSHEL: BOOM! Headhot. BOOM! Headhot. BOOM! Headhot. BOOM! Headhot. BOOM! Headhot. BOOM! Headhot. BOOM! Headhot. BOOM! Headhot. BOOM! Headhot. BOOM! Headhot. BOOM! Headhot. BOOM! Headhot. BOOM! Headhot.

RICK: Cmon Hershel, we need to GTFO!!!

Andrea is mistaken for dead, and left behind…

ANDREA: HEY BITCHES!!! WAIT FOR ME!!! AWWW HELL NAWL!!!

Everyone is scattered in different cars, and have to intuitively work through what to do next…

MAGGIE: Everyone is dead. They are all dead. What are we gonna do now? I’m having a panic attack. Anyone who ever loved me is dead.

GLEN: Uh…ya…I have been meaning to tell you…I…love…you.

Now let’s go back to the highway. Lemme drive.

MAGGIE: (sniffle) You do? You really love me? Well then this ain’t so bad. All I want is to be loved. Fuck everything else.

Meanwhile in the other car…

T-DOG: Fuck yo broken families! Do you racist fucks know how many families got broke up because of slavery? I’m tired of listening to you white people, and all your stupid white people bullshit. I’m in charge now, and I say we head to the coast. That’s what we been shoulda did in tha first place.

RICK: Stop the car T-Dog. I gotta find my peoples. Plus, I’m not really into black dudes like that.

The survivors all rally at the rendezvous, code name: Sophia…

RICK: I missed you so much baby. Give me a nice blood-covered smacker. I’m so glad you didn’t get eaten.

RICK: ROLE CALL!!! Who we missing? Andrea? Who else? Patricia? Jimmy? That’s it? Those are casualties I can live with. We are a leaner, smarter group now without all those no name characters wasting space.

RICK: Welp, let’s steal a couple more cars and GTFO!!!

Meanwhile Andrea struggles on her own in the woods…

ANDREA: I cannot believe those dickheads left me.

ANDREA: When I find those MF, and I WILL find them, I’m gonna skin them alive and make a contemporary pant-suite out of their asses.

RICK: Until then, Ima practice by killing every zombie in this goddamn woods.

Meanwhile the group stops to setup camp. A conversation develops…

RICK: Ok so…here is the deal. We are all infected. I have known since that crazy bastard Jenner told me that creepy secret at the end of Season 1. I kept it a secret until I was sure it was true. SCIENTIFIC METHOD.

EVERYONE: WTF duder! That ain’t some shit you just sit on. Not cool Rick. Not cool at all.

LORI: I get it. You weren’t sure about the secret until proven by science. I get it. I fucking love you. We are all good.

RICK: Great. Well then I wanted you to know that I killed Shane. I did exactly what you told me to do. I handled it. It was even self defense. Twas perfect.

LORI: YOU DID WHAAAA?!? Don’t touch me. Don’t even fucking look at me you murderer. You disgust me.

I merely implied that you should kill Shane, but I never ACTUALLY said to kill him. I was keeping Shane alive for plan B in case you die anytime soon. DAMNIT RICK. You always mess everything up.

Meanwhile back in the woods…

ANDREA: Welp, it turns out I’m not as boss as I thought. I’m outta ammo, super tired, and this zomber pretty much has me dead to nuts. Goodbye cruel world…

ANDREA: WTF!!! Who the hell are you? What are those zombers doing attached to you by chains. Is this the afterlife? I’m super confused right now. I thought I was the bossiest bitch in the woods, and then you swoop in out of no where and steal my thunder. Show me your uber bossy ways oh ninja one. Show me your ways.

Meanwhile back at camp…

CAROL: Rick’s an asshole for keeping that secret from us. You and I deserve more Daryl, we deserve a man of honor. Grumble grumble grumble…bitch bitch bitch. Now that all the loudest naysayers are dead, it is my turn to put my dumbass two cents in.

DARYL: As the only cool person left who isn’t a melodramatic idiot, I say STFU Carol. All anyone ever does is save your stupid life. I guess being a skill-less, poor white trash housewife doesn’t get you far in the zombie apocalypse. It definitely gives you the right to question Rick, though. Definitely.

RICK: That’s it. I have had enough of you people. No matter what I do, all you do is bitch bitch bitch. Here’s another secret CAROL: I killed Shane to protect you idiots! Besides being crazy, he was a total badass, and now I instantly regret it. And what do I get for it? A bunch of bitching about inconsequential bullshit. ENOUGH!!!

I’m done with the bitching. From now on, you either stick around and STFU, or take your lip and GTFO. I bet you could do awesome out there all on your own, CAROL. Go ahead. Send me an email from the road. Let me know how that works out for ya.

O RLY? Nobody wants to take off??? Then from now on you play by my rules, or I gut you like I gutted Shane. No more problem children. Next season, Ima gonna rule with an iron fucking fist. Look the fuck out. Bitches.

El Fin. Until Next Season…

Bonus Memes