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THIS WEEK ON The Walking Dead – Better Angels

March 14th, 2012 by Sneaky Pete

knife gunfight rick

Souuieeeee!!! Hold on to your butts, it’s time for another Walking Dead 2min Redux. With just 2 episodes remaining, many questions are still left unanswered. Will Carl’s balls ever drop? Is Randall a real character or just a humanoid plot device? Is Shane insane or a misunderstood genius? Did Daryl do a stint with CSI at one point? Will T-Dog speak? Surrender disbelief, and follow me into the depths of post apocalyptic dramzlol, right after the jump.

A few comments:
I am writing this on a airplane, which is cool in theory, but actually sucks. One issue I want to touch is that there seems to be a bit of confusion by a large majority of viewers, as to the pathogenic nature of the virus. Unless you have read the comic, you probably were scratching your head after this episode, despite their lame attempts to explain this issue over the course of the season.

My intense research has enlightened me to the fact that the virus is carried by ALL living humans, but has no effect on physiology until after death…aka the walking dead. This would explain some of the random reanimations that occur this week, when they otherwise did not appear infected. Now this fact is not ridiculous at all, but what IS ridiculous is the group’s inability to figure this out until the end of season 2. Even after a run in with the CDC Expert last season, this info never comes to light. Stupid.

The only other thing to mention is that Daryl and T-Dog are by far the best two characters left on the show, and I would fully support them in a hostile takeover of the group at this point. They deserve it after losing so much shine this season to the Rick/Shane/Carl/Lori drama. Glen is cool too, but not if he is all tied up playing schmoopy face with Maggie. That’s my take. Enjoy the show.

Better Angels

We pick up in the middle of Dale’s funeral service…

RICK: The thing I will miss most about Dale is the look of disgust he would give me when second guessing my decisions. Classic Dale.

RICK: So to keep Dale’s legacy alive, we are going to do everything the way he would have done it. Morality > Safety

DARYL: Maybe if we kept the property line secure like we are supposed to, Dale would have never been gored to death.

SHANE: Prolly so, let’s form a zombie death squad.

T-DOG: Bet. I need to release some rage after being ignored all season.

ANDREA: No doubt. I’m pretending these zombies are Lori, they are much easier to kill if you harness your rage.

SHANE: Yup. I love acting out my Rick murder fantasy. Gets me so wet.

ZOMBIE: I don’t understand, what we did to deserve this. Lashing out against a whole population segment for the actions of a few select individuals is ignorant.

RICK: Now that Dale is dead, it is high time we moved this party into the house. As if we are not at each other throats enough, we might as well get our Big Brother on.

T-Dog, I need you to secure the perimeter, pull double guard duty, and make me a sandwich.

T-DOG: Isn’t that a little racist? Making the token black guy do all the shit work?

RICK: Prolly so, but someone has to actually do something productive, while Daryl and I go put ourselves in unnecessary danger to release Randall an hour away.

DARYL: Wait…so we are not going to kill Randall? That shit is unbelievable. What does Dale getting disemboweled have anything to do with this? And you are taking Daryl? Over ol’ Shane Dog? Dat’s fucked up right dere.

RICK: I need you here bro. I can’t be getting my ass kicked every time I try and do something stupid. Daryl’s apathy is perfect for a job like this.

RICK: Thanks for shooting Dale in the head last night, I really pussied out. It means a lot to me. What do you think about being my new bff instead of Shane?

DARYL: I don’t know about that bff bullshit, but I won’t kick your ass for like no reason.

RICK: Andrea, can you watch Shane while I run this errand real quick? Just make sure he doesn’t kill anyone or have sex with my wife while I’m gone. Every time I leave, he tries to move in on my punany.

ANDREA: Well then stop leaving, dumbass.

CARL: Shane can I tell you a secret? I stole Daryl’s gun, went in the woods all alone, dicked around with this zombie, accidentally freed it, didn’t tell anyone about it, and then it killed Dale. I feel like it is all my fault he died.

SHANE: Don’t beat yourself up, bud. It’s not your fault, even though it totally is. Here keep the gun. Don’t even tell Daryl you took it. I’m sure he won’t notice or mind that you did.

CARL: NO!!! Guns are bad. Even though Dale’s death had nothing to do with guns, I am scared of them now.

SHANE: …so it turns out Dale’s death was all Carl’s fault. You need to have a talk with him, like NOW.

RICK: It can’t wait until after my pointless mission? …Fine. I will talk to the boy.

LORI: I just want you to know that I’m sorry for all the shit you have been through since Rick came back. You really are a good guy. In a different life, things would be perfect between us.

SHANE: (Snap. Crackle. Pop.)

RICK: Now son, I heard that Dale’s death was all your fault, and I just want to tell you…that…it wasn’t your fault. Even though you could have not gone off by yourself, you could have actually killed the zomber instead of toying with it, or you could have told someone about it getting loose, and Dale would still be alive. You can’t hold yourself accountable for your actions. That is just plain silly.

RICK: We live in dark world now, we are all going to die horrificly, like at any time for like no reason. So you can’t be afraid to merc fools. It’s just the way she goes now.

RICK: Now I know you are only 10, and still have some child-like innocence left. But I am going to need you to kill that innocent child inside, and man the fuck up from now on. Take Daryl’s gun you stole, and stop getting all worked up from getting a little blood on your hands.

CARL: Thanks Dad. You’re the best Dad ever. Almost as good as Shane.

Meanwhile in the barn Shane goes Full Metal Jacket…

SHANE: Bibibiba bibibiba Lori still loves me.

SHANE: Bibibiba Being an ex cop, I know how to stage a crime scene….

SHANE: Wait for it…

Got it!

SHANE: C’mon Randall. Let’s dipidy doo.

T-Dog, doing all the work, is dispatched to get Randall for his release. When he opens the doors, Randall is long gone…

T-DOG: AWW HELL NAWL!!!

Shane takes Randall into the woods…

RANDALL: You are going to love it at our camp, Shane. It gets a little rapey at times, but you will fit in just fine with that shit.

SHANE: Sounds awesome. Hold up one sec…(snap)

Shane snaps Randall’s neck. Then he smashes his face on a tree so he looks beat up. Then returns back to the farm.

SHANE: OMG guys!!! Come quick. Randall surprised me, beat the shit out of me, and stole my gun!!! We gotta go after him.

RICK: Really? Holy shit!!! Glen, Daryl, come with us. Everyone else back in the house.

DARYL: I think I should be able to track him. How the hell did Randall jump you, btw? He’s a baby boy with a gimpy leg…

DALE: Dude, you don’t need to track him. It makes more sense for us to split up in pairs, and wander aimlessly through the zombie infested woods at night.

RICK: I have sprinkled enough crack on black people to know a setup when I see one…but ok…let’s do it.

Daryl, keep tracking, and we will go this way.

DARYL: It appears there are two sets of footprints. There was some kind of struggle over here. One of them ate cinnamon toast for breakfast.

ZOMBER: Oh hai guys! It’s me, Randall. Good to see you again.

DARYL: He appears to have died from a broken neck. Somebody broke his neck. I wonder who…

GLEN: Ever since I told Maggie to fuck off, my ninja powerups are back. Sorry boutcha, Randall.

SHANE: SURPRISE!!! I lured you here to shoot you with my gun. Then I tell everyone it was Randall, sprinkle some crack on you, and blam: Lori and Carl are mine again.

RICK: Look dude, I get it. I forgive you bro. Fuck you can have Lori when we get back. I’m not even feeling her anymore…PSYCH!!! DIE BITCH. GOOD LUCK FUCKING MY WIFE IN HELL.