THIS WEEK ON The Walking Dead – Judge, Jury, Executioner

Sound the alarm. It’s time for another 2min Redux of our favorite zombie infested soap opera, The Walking Dead. This week, lil Carl does his bad boy thang, while Dale politics to save Randall from certain execution. And if you can’t tell from the blatant visual foreshadowing, this episode goes all shyamalan at the end. So be warned. It’s about to go down…right after the jump.

A few comments:

Just once, I would like to see something interesting happen on the show without a ridiculous amount of causation leading up to it. Watching characters make super dumb mistakes every week that lead to ridiculous consequences is at least half the viewer agony. The great part about the zombie apocalypse is that even if you do everything right, crazy shit is still going to happen from time to time. The current formula is super tired. They need a little random zombie horror to keep us on our toes. Then we wouldn’t be so mad every once in a while when a bad call comes back to haunt them.

But overall, this episode is an improvement over the last 3. So butter up your poppy corn, sit back and enjoy the show.

Judge, Jury, Executioner

We pick up in the middle of a friendly torture sesh…

DARYL: Get sum beotch. Tell me something. I don’t care what it is. Tell me your deepest secrets.

RANDALL: I don’t know shit about shit. I swear. Can you just drop me off in the middle of nowhere after all? I think asking RicK & Shane not to ditch me was a mistake at this point. No harm. No foul. Let’s just go our separate ways.

DARRYL: Wrong answer, dingleberry. I want secrets, or I’m gonna do something so wrong and gross, you have no idea.

RANDALL: I barely knew those guys. We just met. They seemed cool until I met you guys. You guys are way cooler than them.

DARYL: Not good enough. I want SECRETS!!! Now I’m fixing to pick your giant scab.

By the way, while I’m down here, your leg looks amazing for being completely destroyed 2 weeks ago. You are like Wolverine up in this piece.

RANDALL: OK OK OK!!! Just don’t be gross and pick my scab. I was chillin with these cats who roll bout 30 deep. Families and such. Good people. Lot’s of heavy metal gun play. BBQs. You know, party n’ bullshit.

But sometimes we they like to get their rape on. Not me though, rapin ain’t my steezo.

Daryl reports back to debrief the group after the interrogation.

DARYL: …turns out his group is a bunch of rapist with twice the people, guns, and resources as us.

RICK: I thought those dudes we ran into in town smelled super rapey. We can’t be beefing with a bunch of rapists and whatnot. We GOTTA kill him.

DALE: WE CAN’T JUST KILL HIM! WHAT ARE WE? FUCKING ANIMALS?

Give me until tonight to convince everyone. I know you guys will come around.

DALE: Andrea, can you guard Randall so Shane doesn’t sneak up and murder him when no one is looking?.

ANDREA: I don’t agree with you, but I will protect him. What else am I gonna do? Chores? Hahahahaha! Chores.

RANDALL: Can I get some water up in here? These savage beatings have left me feeling a little parched.

Shane shows up, probably to murder Randall.

SHANE: I got big plans maaan. Big Plans. When I’m in charge, there ain’t gonna be no bullshit like this. I have it all mapped out. You’ll see. Big mutha fucking plans.

ANDREA: Hmm. You really think so? Well I don’t know about all that…blah blah blah

Meanwhile, Carl sneaks inside the barn…

RANDALL: Whatup lil man? You gotta get me outta here. If you do, I’ll take you back to my camp and give you my WHOLE stash of weed and nudie phone pics. Seriously dude. You’ll love it.

CARL: Some people say growing up in this super dark world is having a negative effect on my upbringing. Those people are stupid though.

Anyway, I can’t let you go because mah Daddy is gonna straight murder you later tonight. I can’t wait. It is gonna be fucking awesome! Fuck ya! Murder!

Shane overhears them in the barn…

SHANE: You mutha fucka! Stay the fuck away from Carl. I should just kill your right now. You piece of shit.

RANDALL: How can I stay away from him? I’m tied up. Besides we’s jus talking.

SHANE: YOU WANT TO TALK TO SOMEONE. TALK TO MY FRIEND HERE!

ANDREA: DON’T DO IT SHANE. NOT NOW. YOU CAN’T!!!!

SHANE: WTF is wrong with you Carl? Quit trying to get yourself killed!

CARL: Yeah whatever. I ain’t scared of nothing. Just don’t tell my dad what happened. Please don’t tell him. Anything but that.

DALE: WE CAN”T KILL RANDALL!!! WHAT ARE WE FUCKING ANIMALS???

DARYL: Look dude, IDGAF what they do. I D G A F. PEACE OUT.

CAROL: Don’t be sad Carl. We will see Sophia in Heaven one day.

CARL: Seriously? Heaven? That’s the stupidest shit I have ever heard. Hasn’t the zombie apocalypse altered your pathetic sense of God in any way? Did Sophia go to “Heaven” before or after the infection transformed her into a blood lusting corpse? God is dead. Fuckin dumbass. Ima go kill a puppy or something.

CAROL: You need to get control of your son. He just challenged my entire belief system. He’s a pretentious little atheist prick.

PS. Lori you’re an asshole.

LORI: Rick, I think it is time you have a teaching moment with the boy. He needs to be righted in the ways of the lord.

RICK: Now, son, just because you and I both know God is dead, doesn’t mean it’s ok to shatter Carol’s belief system. Think about it. I had to shoot her zomber daughter in the face. If Carol doesn’t have something as ridiculous as God to cling to right now, what else does she got? Marinate on that for a while. Chuuuuurch.

DALE: Shane. My man. I know we share opposing perspectives in the moral spectrum n’ everything, but we can’t just kill Randall. Blah blah blah…

SHANE: Allright Dale, tell you what, if you can convince the group to spare him, I won’t go behind your back and kill him anyway. Is that good enough?

CARL: What a shitty day. I already got in trouble twice. I think it makes sense to parlay into a triple play and do something even more stupid. I think I will go for a nice unsupervised walk in the woods. Maybe I will find a baby bunny or something I can kill.

ZOMBER: Oh Hai there little boy. I seem to be stuck in the mud. Maybe you can help. Just come a little closer.

CARL: Here I come.

ZOMBER: That’s it. Just a little closer. We can do it.

CARL: This is even better than a baby bunny. I gets to kill a zomber!!! Look at me, I’m a big tough man-cub coming of age. Any last words zomber scum?

ZOMBER: SPIN MOVE!!!

ZOMBER: There we go. That’s what I’m talkin bout. Now we can play! Hooray!

CARL: OH SHIT. OH SHIT. OH SHIT. OH SHIT. OH SHIT. OH SHIT. OH SHIT. My underdeveloped prefrontal cortex never had the foresight to predict this scenario.

ZOMBERS: WAIT! Comeback! I just want to play. Well thanks anyway for freeing me from my muddy tomb. TTYL.

2 mins later back at the farm…

DALE: WE CAN’T KILL RANDALL!!! WHAT ARE WE? FUCKING ANIMALS?

Who is with me? Anyone besides Glen?

GLEN: Uh ya, about that…I think Ima go with the group on this one. It’s time for Randall to die.

DALE: Well fuck you all then. Ima go on patrol and get the fuck away from you murderers. Deuces!!!

Rick, Shane, and Daryl head to the barn to put Randall down for good. Just as they are about to finish the unsavory task…

RICK: Any last words, you rapist?

CARL: Do it dad. Don’t be a pussy. You got this. Blow his fuckin brains out.

RICK: HUH?!? WTF?!?

SHANE: Carl! Get the fuck outta here. This is grown man shit. You don’t want nuttin to do wit dis here.

CARL: YES I DO. I’ve been looking forward to this execution all day long. Killing is so neat.

RICK: Maybe the zombie apocalypse is having a negative effect on Carl after all. I can’t kill Randall NOW. My moral compass is tingling too much. This execution will have to wait.

RICK: Of all the fucked up shit to have happen…I can’t possibly see it getting any darker than this.

Meanwhile, Dale is out on patrol having lost the moral battle for Randall’s life…

ZOMBIE COW: MOOOoooOOOooo. Gurgle gurlge.

DALE: WTF happened here?

ZOMBERS: Hai there! I noticed you admiring my work. Perhaps I can offer you a brief demonstration of my technique?

DALE: SOMEBODY HELP ME!!! This 120lb zomber is too much for my old ass. One tends to wonder how I even survived this long at all! HELP!!!

ZOMBER: You see, most of my peers tend to lead with the mouth, and of course I am all about a few snaps here and there.

ZOMBER: But my real strength as an artist comes from the use of mah hands. Check me out.

You see, even your soft bloated underbelly would be difficult to penetrate with bare hands. But with these bad boys, I can cut right through the flesh like rice paper, delivering a beautiful eviscerated abdomen for me to feast upon.

DALE: Fucking Ouch. Your technique is quite impressive.

DARYL: I got you Dale. I’ll handle this.

DARYL: Die you zomber scum! It’s no wonder I am the only character on this show that anyone can actually stand.

RICK: Dale! How bad is the damage? Oh shit. Is that his colon lying on the grass?

Hershel, we gotta operate! There’s still a chance to save him.

HERSHEL: You are kidding right? His guts are strewn all over the lawn. Not to mention he is most certainly infected at this point. I’m not touching this with a 10 foot pole.

DALE: Awww damn! If only I had known there was a zombers loose on the property. I would have been more careful. If only I had known…gurgle gurgle.

CARL: Oh noes!!! What have I done??? I’m just like mah father. Always making stupid decisions that get other people killed. I now realize I have been a bad boy this whole episode. Hold me mommy. I need my blankie.

DARYL: Well Dale, the good news is we didn’t execute Randall. The bad news is, I’m gonna have to put you down instead ol’ boy. Ain’t life a bitch sometimes?

DALE: Well as long as you didn’t kill Randall, my legacy of unsafe moral influence will live on. How ironic, that I am the one to be executed.

PS. I have no scruples with mercy killings. That is different. Goodbye cruel world!!!

DARYL: Sorry Brotha. See you in hell.

El Fin.

IN MEMEORIUM

To commemorate Dale’s passing I have prepared the following mememorial of failed lead ins for the Redux. I will attempt to keep the tradition alive going forward in his honor.

RIP buddy.