4am INSANITY

Its 4am.   I have no idea why I’m still awake.   As I slowly put my head to the pillow an email arrives.   Its marked urgent.   It reads:

Dear Sir

We wish to inform you that We have sent $5000.00 USD already ,that wasgiven to you by the European Union, as we are mandated to send you thetotal sum of $1000,000,00 USD through Western Union.send name, address,phonenumber.Processing your first payment of 5,000 USD.to collect

Mtcn: 6943313357
Que: Colour
Answe: Blue

Congratulations once again!!!

Sign,
Rev. Clayton Bowie (Payment Officer)

My reply was swift:

Dearest Rev. Bowie

Oh wow, I can’t believe I won.   Oh happy day!   You say you need some information for me to to cellect my massive prize?   No problem.

Name: Walter Melon
Address: 123 Fake St Springfield, AZ 427451
Phone: 1(213)867-5309

Please make with the cheddar with the utmost alacrity.   My dog is very sick.   If he doesn’t poop on solid gold plates then he gets very upset.   I know what you’re thinking, if I already have 27 solid gold plates, then why do I need more?   Well my dog, amongst other things, is very smart.   He knows if he’s pooped on a plate before.   So I have to keep acquiring new ones.

The obvious question is where did a dog acquire such a taste for pooping on gold?   That’s a great question.   The answer is I have no idea.

You see, the reason came to me in a dream, and was stolen in another dream.   I tried to do drugs to get high enough to remember why, but I didn’t have any.   So like any responsible adult I just grabbed household items and threw them into a blender with the intentions of smoking and/or shooting them into my system.   I grabbed a bendy straw, two tic tacs (Orange), a 40 watt light bulb, and a small container of white out.

Now mind you I was going for the quickest buzz, so I went to the local emergency room and stole one of those adrenalin needles.   I wanted to shoot this concoction directly into my heart.   However, I’m not a wasteful person.   I had all this adrenalin, but nothing to store it in.   So I went to the nearest pet shop and bought 8 hamsters.   Then I went to the local toy store and bought a replica UFC octagon.   I injected each hamster with an equal amount of the stuff and let them fight it out.   Unfortunately they all had heart attacks.   Who knew that you couldn’t inject adrenalin into hamsters without consequences?

Thinking quickly I duct taped two forks together and jammed one end into the nearest electrical socket then grabbed each hamster stuck them on the other fork.   Alas, my efforts were in vain as all of the hamsters remained dead.   But, as I said I’m a man who doesn’t waste anything.   I took the carcases of my dear departed friends and I put them in the blender with other ingredients and set it to pulp.   When I returned 6 hours later the blender was burned to a crisp.   Again, I had no idea that hamsters were so flammable.

I then began to brainstorm that if I used this new found knowledge properly, I could get rid of my neighbors.

You see they wronged me years ago when I first moved in.   They came over to my house, unannounced mind you, and tried to have me arrested.   They presented me with a plate of cookies that were of a chocolate chip variety. Now, I like a sweet treat as much as the next man, but these cookies had nuts in them.   I calmly and reasonably explained to them that I hate nuts in my cookies and I could not accept them.   Things were going fine until they threatened to call the police.   I only pulled out my gun to explain to them how much I hated nuts in my cookies, how was I to know that the animal bearing down on us was their dog.   I offered to burn the body in the Viking way but they refused like a couple of ungrateful snobs.   I bet if I shot their child that wouldn’t hesitate before accepting a Viking funeral.   They even lied to me when I proposed the idea of shooting their child … they said no.

The bond my neighbors had with their dog inspired me to get one of my own.   The seven and a half seconds I saw that they spent with it were truly moving.   The next day I found Charlie.   Charlie was a lovable mutt of mixed breading.   He knew a few tricks, he could speak, he could shake and he was even selling dogs; so that was a plus.   I picked out the smallest one I could find.   I named him D.A.R.Y.L. after my favorite movie … Pump Up the Volume staring Christian Slater and that chick who does porn now.

D.A.R.Y.L. and I were inseparable.   Mostly because I didn’t find a leash I liked so I would just zip tie his front leg to my ankle.   Haha, then there was the day I accidentally zip tied him on backwards.   I swear it took me 3 days to notice.

However, as I stated in my letter D.A.R.Y.L. isn’t doing so well and I will appreciate any help I can get with him.

Love,

Walter Higgins Melon III