THIS WEEK ON The Walking Dead – 18 Miles Out

Hey kids, it’s time for another installment of TWD 2 Min Redux. This week, Shane and Rick go on retreat for some male bonding with the new guy, while Beth finally manages to get some attention at home by cutting herself. All this and more can be yours, right after the jump.

A few editorial comments:

I loved how both Rick and Shane draw blood to bait the zombers. Not 5 seconds later do they deduce that as much as a scratch can cause infection. Shane even cuts his hand later on in the episode when he is already covered in bloody wounds from the fight. No one is worried about transference through an open wound, despite engaging in pretty gooey close combat with the infected. Smart.

The way they always cut the action episodes is infuriating. Showing us what happens at the beginning is lame. Oh the subplot was super weak too. It was like half the cast took a vacation or something and they were left working with a skeleton crew. But the Shane v. Rick drama was enough to keep my attention through the staleness, and I managed to piece together the following redux.

The 10 minute Rick/Shane fight scene was an obvious head nod to They Live. It was equally stubborn and grunty.

18 Miles Out

We pick up in the middle of the foreshadowed action.

A small hoard has Shane cornered in a school bus.

HOARD: Hai Shane. Come out and play with us!

SHANE: So this is what it feels like to be Justin Bieber. I am sooooo fucked.

FLASHBACK to where the episode should have started. Rick and Shane are on a mission to dump Randall off somewhere 18 miles out. On the way they stop to have a little chat. There is no reason to stop, they could have had the conversation in the car, but they do anyway.

RICK: We need to talk. I heard you killed Otis. Lori says you are dangerous, and that I should kill you. Now we can still be friends if you come to the understanding that Lori is mine, Carl is mine, and your love child inside of her is mine. You think you love her, but you are just too stupid to know what love really is. Ok?

SHANE: You don’t understand. Shit got SUPER crazy while you were in a coma. Usurping your family was the best thing that ever happened to me.

RICK: I will take that as a yes.

Meanwhile back at the farm…

MAGGIE: …so then Glen was all saying I cost him his ninja powerups or something…blah blah blah.

LORI: You just need to tell Glen to man the fuck up.

Anyway I am going to go check on Beth, and deliver her this steak for lunch. Hopefully she doesn’t keep the steak knife and try to kill herself.

BETH: Maybe if I act all despondent and suicidal, I can actually get the attention I deserve for once. Most people don’t even know I exist.

Life is stupid now, I just want to die!

Meanwhile the boys find a suitable spot to ditch Randall…

RICK: This sewage treatment plant should work mighty fine.

RICK: Your leg has healed up nice in a week, despite being completely destroyed in that parkour stunt gone wrong. Well, Godspeed and good luck.

RANDALL: Wait don’t leave me. Puuuhleaaaase don’t leave me. I’m a good dude. I went to High School with Maggie.

SHANE: Well shit. He knows Maggie. We gotta kill him now. Funny how this never came up the entire week he was staying with us.

RICK: You are prolly right, but we should take him back so I have 24 hours to consult my moral compass. I left it at the house.

SHANE: Fuck that noise.

Meanwhile back at the farm…

LORI: …it was crazy, I gave her this nice steak for lunch, and she kept the knife to kill herself. Blah Blah Blah.

ANDREA: You should have let her keep the knife. You realize she is doing this all for attention.

While we are at it, FUCK YOU Lori for being such a dumbass and flipping the car for like no reason. Skinny bitch.

LORI: No FUCK YOU Andrea, all you do is sit around and protect us like some butch lesbian. You never help us cook or clean, or any of the other shit reserved for traditional gender roles.

The boys can’t come to an agreement on what to do with Randall. A fight breaks out…

RICK: Listen up Chucklehead. I’m the Alpha Male. I say we drive back home, consult my moral compass, and THEN kill him.

How does that fence taste? Lick it. Lick the fence, biatch.

SHANE: Look dude, this is the straight up fourth bad move you have made in a row. You are soft and out of touch. I officially challenge your dominance.

We all know I can destroy you. I’m a pit bull. Check my krav maga moves. We kill him now.

RICK: We must continue in this super tired morality paradox, it’s literally the only believable human conflict we have on this show. It’s the tie that binds at this point.

SHANE: That’s the dumbest shit I have ever heard. Chill here for a sec, under this police bike. BRB.

SHANE: Smell ya later, Randall.

RICK: You can’t do this! It is MY call, and I say we talk to the compass.

UNINTELLIGIBLE GRUNTING

RICK: Nobody fucks with the Rickster! This ends here, and now with this triple punch combo.

Here let me help you up.

Meanwhile back at the farm…

MAGGIE: Giving Beth all this negative attention is exhausting. Andrea, can you cover my suicide watch for a couple minutes while I go take a dump?

ANDREA: Sure thang I got yo back. I almost killed myself once, I know my way around this issue.

BETH: So, aren’t you going to give me some attention? Tell me not to do it?

Come on. Baby needs her medicine. What you got for me, drea?

ANDREA: I invented the “pretend to kill yourself to get attention” routine.

You don’t have the BALLS, lil missy. Stop talking about it, and get to steppin or STFU. Either way, I’m out.

2 minutes later…

BETH: I slit my wrists and instantly regret it. I guess I WAS just doing it for attention. I’m sorry everyone.

Meanwhile, the neverending fight sequence continues to drag on until…

SHANE: Suck on this novelty oversized industrial pipe wrench. Whooops. It slipped.

HOARD: Oh hai guys. Can we play with you?

A zombie waterfall ensues. Rick plays opossum under a carcass (per usual), and doesn’t attract much attention. The hoard chases Shane.

HOARD: Wait comeback, Shane. All we want to do is play.

Just as Rick finds his gun, he is pummeled by 3 zombers, and winds up pinned under their carcasses in a very awkward position.

RICK: Maybe saving Randall, nursing him back to health, and bringing him out here was a bad idea.

Shane was right. I’m never going to trust my moral compass again.

SHANE: Oh snap! There goes my knife. I’m pretty fucked now.

RANDALL: Yo Rick, glad you made it, and not Shane. We need to get the fuck outta here.

Fuck Shane. He beat the shit out of you. He tried to kill me like 11 times. He fucked your wife. Let’s roll bounce.

RICK: You know what? You are right. This is easy without my trusty moral compass. Fuck Shane.

RICK: Good luck with that shit Shane. We out.

SHANE: Oh snap! There goes my ride. Now I’m totally fucked.

What did I do to deserve this?!?!

Meanwhile back at the farm…

MAGGIE: You bitch. You left my sister alone when you were on suicide watch. She tried to kill herself and it is all your fault.

ANDREA: Yes but she didn’t actually do it, so I was right. She didn’t have the balls. She was bullshittin’ for attention.

LORI: Maggie, don’t you ever tell that skank I said this, but she is kinda right. Go figure. Derpy Derp.

Just when you think Shane is going to get what he has earned…

RICK: YIPEE KY YAY Mother fucker! Guess what I found in the car???

MORAL COMPASS, beotch!!!

RICK: Let’s go. Let’s go. Let’s go. Andale! Andale! Ariba!

SHANE: I thought for sure I was fucked. I totally would have left if I were you.

Thank you moral compass. You da best.

RANDALL (DRIVING): We did it. Yay team. Hey check out my drifting skills.

RICK: STFU Randall, there is a 99% chance of dying in your forecast for tomorrow.

They stop to blindfold Randall, and have another talk

RICK: See, everyone hates my moral compass until it saves their ass. Then they understand. It’s time you drop the stalker routine, and step back in the circle of trust. How bout it bud?

SHANE: Sure ya I guess, or whatever.

El Fin.