This Week on The Walking Dead – Triggerfinger
In part deux of our academic exploration of a 1000 ways to die from being a good person in a zombie apocalypse, it is my pleasure to present a 2 min redux of “Triggerfinger”. Per usual, this episode was a heaping pile of viewer frustration, and I’m pretty sure there was national spike in brain aneurysms at the time it aired. I’m checking into that presently.
TRIGGERFINGER
We pick things up right where we left off. Lori just flipped her ride. Rick just got his Jason Bourne on at the saloon.
LORI: Yaaaaawn. What happened? Last thing I remember was arbitrarily searching for Rick, when I hit a racoon or something-
ZOMBIE: OMG don’t wakeup now! I just spent 3 hours peeling my face off to get at you with the jaws of I wanna be inside you. Girl, I’m tryna get all up in those guts.
LORI: That was a Consumer Reports level 9 rollover crash. I’m concust, and extremely groggy. My unborn child is now probably brain damaged, or at the very least will have severe ADD. But I must survive this ridiculous situation so that I may fulfill my destiny as an unabashed, full blown Lady Macbeth to this slow moving train wreck of a story line. EMPOWERMENT!!!Meanwhile at the Saloon…
VOICES OUTSIDE: Dave? Fat Tony? Where you at bro’s?
RICK: Yeaaaah…about that…Dave and Fat Tony were exaggerated East coast stereotypes, so we had to put them down. Please try and understand. We don’t want any more trouble.
VOICES OUTSIDE: Yeah, ok.
A very inaccurate shootout at the saloon occurs, complete with a sloth-like action sequence.
RICK: Glen, cover the back, and try not to get killed. I’ll stay here and distract them.
RICK: Glen, go get the car, and try not to get killed. I’ll stay here and distract them.
RICK: Hershel, cover Glen. I’ll stay here and distract them.
HERSHEL: Head for the car Glen. I’ll cover you. I’m so shitfaced right now.They shoot at Glen as he tries to get the car. Hershel provides suppressive fire, and connects with the token black gunmen, leaving him for the undead. No attempt to rescue him is made.
GUNMAN: Argghhh. My nose!!! Gurgle gurgle.HERSHEL: I think Glen is dead, ociffer. (Hiccup) I’m still pretty fucked up though. Could be wrong.
GLEN: My love for Maggie has somehow stripped me of my ninja powerups…aaaand my incredible ability to NOT shit my pants at crucial moments.
RICK: Glen, are you alive? What’s that smell?
GLEN: Yeah, I think so. I shit myself.
RICK: Great, let’s dip.
While preparing to leave they witness one of the gunmen fall from a rooftop badly impaling his leg on a ridiculously nasty fencepost. He is left 4 dead by his associates. Meanwhile zombies are closing in everywhere.
RANDALL: Fucking ouch! I’m so stupid. I should have stretched before attempting parkour.
Don’t leave me.
Wait, don’t cut off my leg.
Wait, don’t leave me.
RICK: We can’t just leave him here to be eaten, and thus provide an obvious zombie distraction to expedite our getaway.
I know he just tried to murder Glen and everything but…Hershel, can you conduct an emergency amputation with a thousand zombies breathing down your neck? It’s the RIGHT thing to do.
HERSHEL: Sure. Why not? I’m blitzed enough to attempt any asinine moral idea you come up with Rick.
ZOMBIE: Oh hai guys. Anything I can do to help speed things up?
RICK: Damn it! There is no time! Guide me moral compass. Tell me what to do.
What’s that? Rip his leg off the post? Why didn’t I think of that myself. Thank you moral compass. Your wisdom knows no bounds.
Meanwhile, back at the farm…
LORI: You lied to me Shane! How dare you, sir. I want you to know that I told Rick EVERYTHING. I hate your guts.
SHANE: I only lied to protect you.
You and I are in love. We are meant to be together. You and I are in love. We are meant to be together. You and I are in love. We are meant to be together. You and I are in love. We are meant to be together. You and I are in love. We are meant to be together.
The next morning…
RICK: Hey guys we made it. This is Randall. He is part of a rival group that tried to kill us. He hurt himself in a nasty parkour accident, and we couldn’t just leave him. Hopefully yet another ridiculous moral decision doesn’t cost us a season of cleaning up the mess in the name of causality.Randall: Sup. Sure is a nice farm you got here. Way better than that cocktober fest I just came from.
GLEN: Don’t touch me Maggie. If loving you means losing my ninja powerups and shitting my pants. I’m over it.LORI: Shane has gone full blown stalker on me. It has nothing to do with the fact I banged him a bunch when I thought you were dead, and dropped him like a bad habit when you came back. It’s all on him.
Can you ignore your moral compass for a second and take care of him for me us?
RICK: Nothing gets between me and my punany. Not even you, moral compass.
I will see what I can do…right after I finish this creepy camera eyefuck.
The End
Stay tuned for next week. Here is a sneak peak.
