THIS WEEK ON Dexter: Ricochet Rabbit

Let’s not complain about Dexter this week. Let’s just not do it. Waddle over to that Pharma-Installation that’s mandated to be in every house now. Take the happy pill.   Snap it between your teeth and smile. It’s Christmas time, and if you’re not eating elbows from Soccer Moms and swearing in the parking lots that mayhaps there’s a chance you’re ready to swing with some fucking Yuletide cheer. Showtime has already announced that the end of Dexter is coming. The end game approaches. So let’s just smile and gently wait for the final descent to begin.

Dexter and Louis Ain’t BFF
Louis the crazy Dexter dick-stalker finally got to show the Bay Harbor Butcher his video game this week. Do you know what sort of shoehorn they used to get this dude into the show? I mean wasn’t he Masuka’s aide? Now he’s banging Angel’s sister and hacking websites and shit. It doesn’t make any fucking sense! Wait. Wait. Okay, I’m sipping my happy sauce. I’m going back towards the glow.

The scene between Louis and his Serial Killer Crush was a long time coming, and the dude took it off the chin. Wide-eyed and waiting for Sociopathic approval, Louis had to have Dexter stamp on the thrashing hog of his dreams. Stamp! Stamp, stamp! A mushy groined Louis could barely hold it together. I wish he would have slapped a hamburger in the face of Angel’s sister whose name I…cannot fucking remember. She’s skinny as Hell.

I’m going to cop honest with you guys and gals. I can’t read this show anymore. Apparently the Gellar reveal was like tots obvi, but it blew my mind. I was just chalking up the looming Gellar in the Church to poor writing. So with that in mind, what we thinking here. Louis totally hung a silence after mentioning the Bay Harbor Butcher being a character in his video game. Right? Right! I fuckin’ heard it. Don’t tell me otherwise.

I like the wild wagon of revelry and madness that Louis is riding. I like the fact that he’s obsessed with Dexter. That when he was rejected he went home and slapped himself in the face shouting “Stupid, fucking stupid!” over and over again into the mirror.

I liked it.

Shit Gets Real With Deb and Matthews
I’m still trying to figure out how Showtime and HBO pulled off the Sopranos/Dexter crossover with so little fanfare. You think they’d hype it up more than every week Deb is sitting on Melfi’s couch gabbing about nonsense. Nothing’s changed, either. Melfi’s there with her annoying rhetorical questions. Let me tell you something, if my therapist came at me with that sort of incisive annoying “Well…what do you think it means?” type shit I would flip the couch and blow a fart on the way out.

…Sorry, sorry. Getting carried away again. I’m whistling into my empty Diet Mountain Dew Can. The caffeine, it’s glomming onto my hemoglobin. Fitting into the parts of my synapses that it’s supposed to. Let’s shine, guys. Shine.

Deb having to hunt down Matthews for his indiscretions is where it’s at. It’s Michael C. Hall’s oddly attractive wife versus the Al Bundy knock-off for the ages. Meanwhile, LaGuerta is sitting in the background. Cackling, whilst rubbing Vaseline all over her disgustingly blown out areolas. They look like demolished cinnamon pepperonis. It’s just the truth.

I’m interested to see how LaGuerta inevitably parlays this shit into her own promotion. Like a stinky huge-nippled rat she’s going to perceive the sinking of the Matthews ship and bail the fuck out. Mark me! Mark me. It’s about time the Matthews character amounted to something after all this time, too. Dude’s just been sitting around for seasons.

Tom Hanks’ Kid Doesn’t Suck As Much
One of the difficulties I’ve had this season is the fact that Colin Hanks’ character is a slap-dick bumbling shit-bum. The fact that he’s also a balls-out crazy dude hasn’t really done anything to change my mind on that. All drooling and shit yelling at a passed away Billy Adama, you ain’t persuading me brah. You’re just looking silly. Untuck your fucking shirt and get your swag on. You’re the Doomsday Killer. You’re recruiting people for your Army.

I’m going to ignore the fact that the couple features Doomsday_Adam and the show makes a point to mention that he’s been unemployed for a year. Do you get it? Desperation points people towards religious fanaticism. Pro-Tip! Pro-Tip! Pro-Tip!

Finally in this episode Travis starts walking with some moxie. Calling people whores and everything. It’s about time that the actual villain of the season starts throwing his weight around. Hiring motherfuckers to dress up like Walter White and eat knives to the guts. I dug it.

Dexter Finally Listens to Harry
Speaking of my scriptural blindness, I never would have bet on Dexter listening to Harry in this episode. For the better part of this season, if not the past couple, Dexter’s been a petulant little douche. Pulling at his hair and telling Harry he was a totally cruddy Dad before launching into a monologue about This or That while I refreshed my Tumblr. Tonight though? Holy shit, he actually listened! Calling in the cops. It’s a solid move, since there is a potential biological attack riding on it. During the episode I was getting furious with Morgan. The guy spends a good amount of time actively thwarting fucking investigations so he can stab someone. Even if you slap the conceit down your gullet that perhaps Dexter isn’t a piece of shit because he kills killers, slowing down the process of bringing someone to justice just so he can have his pound of flesh is not Solid Bro Behavior.

Yeah man, scripturally blind. I thought it was the moment when spit-lipped Dexter finally renounced Harry and began his own trek into madness. Brother Sam was clapping his hands and bobbing his head to some Blackstar whilst Dexter embraced the light. At least for the week. You know until he once again forgets that he’s down with The Lord or The Code of The Something and pines for existential angst.

But I’m staying positive.

I dare you to do the same, yo.