Press Start!: Microsoft Kinect Presents ‘Grand Theft Anal.’
Lords of the Joystick, deliver me from critical analysis. Let me find myself in the next soothing great misdirect, awash in stimuli and polygon. I’m but a man, with strained (brain) stem I hunger for video games as escape. Dedicated to the Temple, I scavenge weekly for details pertaining to this World I love so much. The remnants, the scraps, pulled together into something is this banal Top 5 list. It’s not much, but it’s easy.
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#1: Video Games Help A Little Girl Walk.
In stark contrast to the diegetic wunder-bliss that video games offer to the unfathomably discontent middle class white male like myself, they on occasion participate in something more grand. Take this fuckin’ shit for example. Grace Windrum is a five year-old girl. She’s also an unfortunate reminder that us flesh bags are here by chance, suffer a rather inelegant design, and often come without fully functioning parts. Enough to drive someone into a Brothers K-sort of madness pertaining to the need for such things to serve as balance for the glory of the world.
Anyways.
Grace can’t walk, suffering from cerebral palsy. Her parents needed some legitimate dough to get an operation performed that would allow her to walk with the assistance of crutches. That’s where games developer Big Ideas Digital came in, running “a promotion for its Say What You See: The Collection puzzle game (available on iPhone and iPad), which contributed a further £21,000.”
Fucking solid. Mark one for the good guys.
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#2: What If Quake Was Made In 2011?.
It’s a simple enough premise, what the fuck do you want me to say? I’m just setting up the clip, man. The talented guys and gals who devised the spoof are doing the heavy lifting on this one. It made me chuckle. A bit of the (non-literal) LOL if you will. Anyone who has had the pleasure of trying to play a game these days can at the very least silently nod their head in agreement with the satire. Saying yes. Yes, this makes a bit of sense.
Far be it for me to be too jaded about how gaming has changed. I still have my G(aming)-Spot rubbed all too often. There’s just been certain…shifts towards hands-holding, infinite slicing of a game’s content into its DLC and other unfortunate things that the game amusingly comments on.
Just watch it.
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#3: Second Live Makes It Into FBI Gang Intelligence File.
Either the FBI is brilliant, or they’re turning into a bunch of old grandparents shaking their sticks at the newfangled things that cross their paths. Last week we were let known that the FBI considers Juggalos to be a national threat. Which is interesting since at the most they seem to threaten good taste, and even then I think they’re an interesting bunch of motherfuckers. Now the FBI is catching onto that Second Life Thing, comparing it as a social network in the same breath as the Hell’s Angels and Latin Kings. Check out what they say on page 41 of their “National Gang Assessment”:
Second Life Virtual World
Second Life is a computer-based virtual world with a simulated environment where users inhabit and interact via avatars, or graphical rep- resentations the virtual world may depict a real world or a fantasy world. Users communicate through text-chat and real-time voice-based chat. Second Life provides versatility and ano- nymity and allows for covert communications. Because of its anonymity and versatility, gang members could potentially use second life to recruit, spread propaganda, commit other crimes such as drug trafficking, and receive training for real-world criminal operations.
The crazy thing is I don’t think they’re that far off. It sounds like something from a William Gibson or Neal Stephenson novel. Almost too good to be true.
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#4: Grand Theft Auto V Gets A Trailer.
Grand Theft Auto V got a trailer.
Meh?
Grand Theft Auto. Like, totally violent, man. Like, totally subversive. Except we live in an age where it makes hundreds of millions of dollars and video games now feature levels where you murder an entire airport worth of civilians. GTA is the grandfather that has helped allow people like Infinity Ward rationalize such narrative decisions, even if you agree with that rationalization or not. Aside from that though, where does that leave Grand Theft Auto? The series. I watched the trailer this week and I came to the conclusion that GTA is more intriguing as a social phenomenon to me than it is as a video game. I’ll get the game. I’ll play it. Even enjoy it.
It just doesn’t inspire the sort of balls-tingling reverie that I used to have for every iteration, every reveal. I’m more interested in watching the build-up, feeling the community’s collective buzz. Participating in the conjecture as to the protagonist. It’s neat, it makes me feel like I’m a part of something. I just don’t get the same thrill when I ghost ride my car into a wall while rolling out of it, so I can go full Albert Pujols on some petulant looking dude’s head.
Am I alone?
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#5: Traitorous Bastard Switches Countries In Middle Of Gaming Tournament.
Jatt is the name of some professional dickbag gamer who plays League of Legends. Jatt was part of a team representing Canada in the World Cyber Games LoL qualifiers when he did the unthinkable. After that team was eliminated, the dual-citizen hopped teams! To the United States. Talk about turning your back on Healthcare, Hockey, and Maple Syrup! For what? My goodness, Jatt. You need to think things through. Apparently everyone totally is butt-hurt at him, and I don’t blame them.
The most amazing part was that it was the Canadian team that was kicked out because of this treachery. After they had already been eliminated. Cold-blooded. Mofuckahs.
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So that’s my banal list, powered by distraction and worshiped by white-noise machines. What’d you dig in gaming this week? Hit me.